I'm gone off and about for the weekend.
To all those going to prom: I love ya and have a damn good time!
Here's the scoop: my journal is now a display-case for whatever artwork I may contrive and a message board - nothing more
And while I'm gone, if anybody gets real bored, I have started writing a story:
Humanity is one big hypocrite. Feeling a hundred emtions, saying a
billion words but having only one objective. Or wait. I didnt know
that.
Not in the beginning at least. Back then I was more content.
Friendship was my alibi. I spent hour after hour n a set of bricks,
talking to my two friends. Imagine that, sitting on adobe bound
together with one of man's fundamental creations discussing the
radical developments of our speedy information age. Such irony is
often overlooked, sadly enough.
Women? They were gods. Forsaken, untold, they were beasts of lore.
Just as half a decade before I had found a good friendship impossible.
Why would I ever worry about them? They meant nothing, a thing
to worship every night maybe, maybe a way to keep the human race
afoot.
But I didnt care about the human race. Look at all the times it had
betrayed me. In my blind world I could blame every frown on an
abstract entity which encompassed everyone besides myself.
I had walked into my favorite class one afternoon following a monotone
bell. Well, woodshop was my favorite class. Until these
lectures started. Until the teacher wasted hours upon hours spewing
information that I had allready known, that is.
Routine took over after I took my seat. Rather than listen to the
obnoxious, incessant lectures, I opted to design sthings on the pad of
paper I consistently had with me. Life was as simple as what I drew in
that pad. That is, I knew nothing outside of it. From the moment I
walked into my home every day, I began to bring my designes to life. I
had liked to play god, creating the things I saw in my vivid minds eye
in real life.
The bell rang again, symbolizing the end to the pointless torture
brought about by the droning of my teachers voice. Class periods back
then felt so long. Each minute was an hour, each day a week, each week
a year, and; well, you get the picture.
In my meek fashion, I scooted off to English. Another day was finally
almost over. I couldnt wait to get home and set myself in front of a
sander.
English, as always, was something to be movked. I've never gotten the
point of the class. I can speak English, read, write; what more do
they want from me? The teachers themselves in these classes are just
flat out incompetant. What have they ever taught me? Nothing, aside
from a few vocabulary words I memorized on my own. They just give me
more and more assignments. I guess it makes people happy to ake other
people miserable.
So another class passed. Another structured period of time for
haplessly staring into space, contemplating the universe. I allowed
myself to be distracted from my musings every once and awhile to
answer questions or stare at a particularly beautiful girl, but in
general I was in a dream.
And when the bell rang I hopped up and pranced out of the classroom,
only to be stopped by a friend, John, right outside of the building.
He started talking to me about some computer projects he had been
doing. I didnt really care, but for friendship's sake I just listened
in, nodded, and inserted the appropriate laughs where they belonged.
And out of the door came Michelle, another girl I knew particularly
well for no reason at all. I had worked on several school projects
with her because she lived so close to me, so we were well aquainted
but I still knew practically nothing about her. It was one of those
friendships I had way too much of, consisting of a casual wave through
the hall every once and awhile and little more.
Then again, she was a girl. I wasnt good at talking to girls. I was
better off being silent and mysterious, something that has always for
some reason attracted women.
She almost ran up to me and asked if I could help her and her friends
put on a play. This was quite a surprise to me, and I stuttered and
pointed at John. Michelle had known John a heck of alot longer than
she had known me, and I had no clue why she wouldnt just ask him. They
lived next to each other. He lived closer to her than I did. But he
shook his head so I sadly inclined to help with the play.
One of my fundamental quirks had been my inability to say no.
Especially to women. I allready talked to them so little, what was I
to push myself away from them even further by saying no everytime they
asked me something? So I said yes to everything. Yes, that they could
borrow my pencil, yes that they could borrow my time, yes that they
could take my heart.
So now, rather than having a weekend filled with chores and wood-work,
I had some extra-curricular project to do with some girls I didnt
know. Being my constantly-excelling self, I layed out the costumes I
would need for rehearsing the play with Michelle on friday night, so
that they would be ready on Saturday for the rehearsal. My mother was
quite impressed, she was happy that I was getting out on the weekend,
doing something that didnt involve wood-work. But I hadnt cared about
what she thought for several years. She had always been there to put
me down, kill my aspirations and ground me over and over again. How
can such a beast call herself my mother. I just stayed away from her,
took what I could get and stayed away.
Saturday morning Michelle's father picked me up early. They were both
impressed at my "enthusiasm" for a project that wasnt even my own so I
just gave them my winning smile and played along.
The car was silent aside from music for nearly the entire trip.
And so the day went. Practicing with ten other strangers for a play in
which I had no clue what role or part I was playing. All I did was
read my lines. That seemed to be all I ever did, read my lines to
life. Who cares if I'm actually acting them or feeling them?
Halfway through the practice, though, me and Michelle walked off alone
to a ice cream store not far from where we were practicing. I guess it
was nothing special. But I have always tended to overplay things. To
me this was a date, small but existent. She had asked me to go to an
ice cream store with her. Alone.
Of course nothing happened. We walked in silence mostly. But it was
fun nonetheless. This girl, one I hadnt even looked at before, wanted
me above any of her friends to go get ice cream with her.
And when we got back, it was as if nothing had happened. I went
through the rest of the day with just a tinge of comfort and
happiness. I had known that I had overplayed it, but I was enjoying my
own procrastination. I find I do that alot. I'll secretly curse people
for doing stupid things like walking weird and then chuckle at my own
rediculousness.
So I went home. I played some video games. Worked a little bit on my
wood-cutter, just waited the weekend out. Like I had been waiting my
life out. And it ended just like that. As quickly as it had came. And I had
another week of school to look into.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
RIP
A day ago a kid hit a baseball right into my kidney. It probably ruptured, because it still hurts.
My head is throbbing. There's been too much stuff going on lately.
But I stopped feeling physical pain a long time ago. It's nothing, nothing at all compared to some of the things my heart does to me.
Ever noticed that our heart is our mind? It is. When I dont think, emotions cease to flow.
So what if I were to stop contemplating everything. What if I just let stuff be without analyzing it?
What if I just let go. Just started taking things for granted.
Life would be easier, finally.
My heart would stop pegging me against a wall.
I would stop searching. Searching for something and nothing at all.
This journal, KIH, ironically enough, will come to an end at a point in time in which I am thouroughly sad. It has been a record for the most interesting year in my life, and will be so forever.
I cannot use this thing anymore. I cannot give myself up to anyone who's interested in knowing me. I cannot keep giving up my secrets, my passions, everything that makes knowing me worth it.
...
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Summary of yesterday's friends entry for kih readers: I am incapable of speaking my heart, and I've never truly been able to do it. I was sad because the fact that I cant give myself up verbally also means that I'm not going to be able to be 'involved' with anyone soon.
After what I wrote yesterday, I've been in deep thought. I've been thinking about what my drives should be here and now, what I technically SHOULD be thinking versus what I actually am thinking.
To be completely honest, I dont know what I'm thinking. I dont know what I'm feeling or thinking right now, and I dont want to know.
Analyze it how you may, but these lyrics are the only things that have made my heart move at all today:
'I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind
as something larger than life!'
Monday, May 10, 2004
Everybody welcome jon doe to my 1337 friends-only section.
REAL busy today. With that in mind, I’m gonna type fast: My day are shifting around. 2nd Period, formerly my favorite, is now one of my least favorite periods. Mr Fournell has been a real bitch lately, and I find myself often saddened in that class. 1st period I guess Ive never liked, but its worse now than ever. Not only do I not have any really good friends in the class, but now I have to deal with temptation and the sadness in denying it. Same with 6th, which truly sucks in that it’s the last period of the day and leaves me saddened after having it. 3rd and 4th periods are the best now, full of lots of good friends and opportunities.
From time to time I wish that I could just stop everything. Freeze the universe in a single moment. Like when I was having that dream. I wish I could experience that nonstop love forever. Or with pertinance towards friends: I’ve experienced the growing and fading of a lot of good friendships this semester, and I somewhat wish that things now would just stay the same, that I could walk and talk with the same friends the same way each day for eternity. Its peaceful, fun , whatever else. Most importantly, it gives me a sense of involvement.
To my bros/sis’s: Friends forever, k?
In terms of this boring day, heres a brief overview of the highlights:
- Got owned in b aseball again in PE. I did hit a ball straight up in the air about 300 ft. Wow.
- Spent an exceedingly boring hour and depressing hour in Spanish.
- Talked to Jay and Martin about cars and watched some movie about nuclear war.
- Got Jo to admit that she’s not a man (YES!)
- Watched a glitchy but phenomenal kill-bill-rip-off by mark/peter/eric. (kinda sux because I am going to do a kill-bill style thing for my Spanish project and now I’m gonna seem like a biter)
- Messed around with blogger and talked with calvin in comp sci.
- Went to pizza hut/taco bell with calvin/shohille/sahille/jon.
- Won back all my money AND $3.50 (mostly from brian wung) playing poker in physics.
- Got a B+ on my math test
- Taped some portions of my Spanish video project in Hinman’s room. (She’s a really cool person.)
- Got home and set up intership interview…looks like I’m gonna get payed for extra-hours.. YAY!
Sunday, May 09, 2004
You know what would be totally, insanely, completely awesome? School at night.
Think about it, start school at 4, end at 10. Everybody would probably be better slept, and having dinner with friends is alot more appealing than having lunch with friends.
5 more things great about night
(1) everybody EVERYBODY looks 10x sexier during the night.
(2) lights are very cool. specially colored ones.
(3) the night smells very good. and the incessant hooting of owls is awesome.
(4) it would be COOL outside! (oh noez!)
(5) we could have raves and stuff in place of the gay contests we have during lunch.
plus, night is so god damn romantic. there'd be alot more action goin on around troy if sessions took place at night, no?
((Blogger has a new layout.. NEAT!!))
Saturday, May 08, 2004
The happiest time I can experience is officially the minutes after I get off of work. Music always sounds better, sights look better, life looses its grunge, and I drive a whole lot better xP.
Lolz, 8 hours is a long-ass time. Specially when you stand the entire time.. MY FEET HURT!! But I...must...work.... I need some serious money for summer. At least $300 for gas/food/ and whatever else me and my friends do over the summer.
I forgot to say it yesterday: TESTING IS OVER FINNNNNNNALLY~! I remember when I was walking around talking with people yesterday right after the APUSH test, EVERYBODY was smiling. Hahaha, I saw kevin peng skipping across the campus to his locker. I almost spit up the water I was drinking.. SO funny. I like to see so many people so happy, it makes me happy. Why cant we all just be optimistic? It'd even feed off of itself.
I talked about true friends yesterday, ya? I thought about it last night, and counted every one of my friends that I consider "best" or "true" or whatever. I laughed when I realized that every one of them has been made this year. In fact, two of them have been made in the last three months. This has been a great year.
The other thing my mind is currently preoccupied with is future planning. During that, I realized that I got a little less than a decade of schooling in my future as well as four years of resident-internship/training. Shizzz.... I aint gonna be raking in the money till I'm 26 or so.. and then I got it all made xD
JR also told me that Jenny Hill financed and bought her own car. (which is an EXTREMELY nice car at that). That popped a thought into my head. Assuming my parents really are going to buy me a <$15000 car next year, I wonder if I can convince them to make a 15k downpayment on an RSX or eclipse or IS300 or some other car that I want and then I can pay a monthy finance for the next 3 years or so. I'll have to ask them about it..
Friday, May 07, 2004
God I regret the last entry.(LJ Friends) I regret it.. but I guess I got my point across: despite the incessant happiness that has filled me for the duration of this week, I've retained all my emotional aspects. You all better believe that no matter when you see me, no mater how hard I'm laughing or how sarcastic my voice is, my mind still races among the fields of love. Constantly. Forever.
It's stupid and off-topic, but I really wanted to write about it.
I love how my dreams reflect exactly what my journals portrays. I dreampt last night. I dreampt that we were at a performance and that she sat next to me. I dreamed that she slowly leaned into my chest, that I wrapped my arms around her and that I laid my chin on the top of her head. I dreamed that I was finally complete again. Among the hundreds of things I dreampt last night, I remember only the wordless reunion between me and the one I love.
I thought alot about last night's dream today. When I woke up, I knew that today wouldnt be just another happy-day. I knew from looking out the window that this day would be filled with surrealism. The lights and colors of the world seemed too full today, the people I talked to seemed like figments of my imagination. I've wanted all day to just fall asleep again and never wake up so that I can feel the way I did last night forever and ever.
But I'm getting over that. I'm starting to smile, to feel a flourescent happiness: at this moment, right here and right now, I understand love. After so long, I understand something that I'll be bound to my entire life again. I've finally felt it again, albeit in a dream, but I know what it is. And I know how wrong I've been almost all year. I know this time spent thinking that I'm in love with my various crushes was absolutely wasted. That the feeling I get in the search of love is something much different than the feeling I get from actually being in love. Screw crshes. I will love au naturale.
Jeese I've been naive lately. All this talk about love only being accessable in college? bullshit. Love can exist anywhere. Being in high school is no excuse to deny it. If a month-old baby can feel love towards his or her mother before he or she can even speak, two high school students most certainly can share a bond not even god can break.
I'm slowly making distinctions between people that I flat-out love and people that are just.. friends. I came home today with a list of guys and girls that I could spend my life trapped on a desert island with. Out of all my friends, these are the people I can call "brother" or "sister" and really, truly mean it. These are the people that are witty, smart, funny, and most importantly, able to listen. They're my tutors and my family away from home. The people I hope I never have to say "goodbye" to. The people I trust with my life. I praise god for them.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Yay. I got the new NFG album. Props to calvin for informing me of its pre-release existence. It's gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
Due to some new feelings and whatnot, I'm starting a new journal skin. This'll be the ninth or tenth version of KIH.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
=D=D=D=D=D=D=D
Saw a HOT chick driving an even HOTTER car (eclipse 02 gt v6) today. I wanna ride em both! TOGETHER! lolz.
wow. i'm having too much fun this week. i shouldnt be this way it being ap testing week and all. i should be all damn serious like frank or calvin and just hit the books every night.
I think I'm suffering from the infamous "I told you so" syndrome. You know, the one where you tell everybody that you're gonna change and that they're gonna regret hating you and they dont believe you and hate you all the same and you DO change and they look like idiots when they want you as a friend? Ya, I feel that way. Not in the exact context. But something like that.
NFG new album on may 16th!!!! gon' be the first to get it!!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Optimism is a double-edged sword. Man, I'm as happy as can be, but now that I think about it I'm also damn screwed. I got two group projects due next week and have barely started on either of them. I still need call some guy to set up my intership, I havnt gone to the orthodontists for a quarter year (not that I need to, but still) and I have a bunch of book fines to take care of. But that's all in the back of my head. If I'm thinking 'happy' then I dont think about that stuff and therefore it never gets done. Lolz, guess I'm screwed either way: a competant, depressed teen or a happy failure in life.
Me and ravi were bored today so we did what we normally do when we're bored: check out the troy-chicks. For the whole lunch. I have to apologize for things I might have said about troy not having women or whatever. Troy's got women. Lots of em. Hell ya, I smile because of what I saw today =x
First ap test is over. hell ya. It wasnt as mind-bending and therefore hard as I feared it would be so yay again. I fell asleep for about an hour after completing the written portion, only it wasnt truly sleep.. it was like half dozing off but half paying attention. Those seats in the lecture hall are impossible to sleep on!
Well, I suppose I should go look over APUSH stuff (ya right). I'll leave off with the lyrics that made me laugh SO hard today:
So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield
Hehehehe. That's brand new for you =D
Monday, May 03, 2004
Back to normal. Yay =D
Dude. Standardized testing is so gay. I feel like I'm reading and analyzing the same things over and over again: once for SAT I a month ago, once for STAR half a month ago, last weekend for SAT II and now for the CAT6. God damn. Testing is gay. And now tommorow I'm expected to go in and fry my brain trying to figure out computer algorithms. I seriously hope I can pull a 5 on this comp sci test.
Overall this was a very successful, good day. Here's some stuff accomplished:
(1) Periods were only 20 minutes long. Fournell didnt even have enough time to start boring me.
(2) Testing is finally over.
(3) Owned the comp sci finals.
(4) Had stinky feet from PE but nobody noticed =D
(5) Got about two minutes of stare-time at troy's resident miss america while 'talking' to calvin. =P
lets keep stuff today short and sweet. over and out~
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Just another sunday. In my repetitive and mindless stupor, I drove home, unloaded, washed my car and clothes from the week, and put stuff together for next week. Then I sat down and watched TV for 2 hours. That's my typical sunday. The only day that never changes =D
I drove the long way home from my grandma's today just cause I wanted to listen to more songs on brand new's old cd. Those guys suck (I think) musically, but their lyrics and vocals are sooo fun. I smile every moment I listen to them because they're so rediculous but right at the same time. It's like a satire of love and friendships and drugs and everything else we teens are known to do.
I love how fast life changes. It always keeps you on your toes. But we all change with life. That in itself is why it is so hard to have truly great friends. All of us teenagers are constantly changing with our environments. One week we hate broccoli and the next it's the best food in the world. One minute we're lovers and the next we're haters.
I guess it explains alot of things about teenagers besides our lack of true friendships. It explains our mood swings, why we cant stay in deep relationships, why we tend to get in so much trouble.
Personally, I enjoy it. I like having something new and unscratched each day to play around with. Whether it's a new friend or a new problem, everything new provides some sort of interesting edge to it. I guess there are some things that dont fit the norm in my heart though. Although I'm a really dynamic guy, and I realize it, I'm pretty damn sure that I'm conservative when it comes to relationships. When I'm in one, I dont feel any need whatsoever to move about in it.
Maybe that's why love/relationships are so intriguing to me. They are a sense of stability in my life. Something I can always fall back on.
Hah. What an odd entry. I think I'll pose a question. When exactly does all this end? When do we finally settle down in life? It's not in college, no. Parties, applied philosophy and raging hormones does not sound like peace. How about when we're 25-30? Trying to get aquainted with new jobs and buy a nice house and car... doesnt sound like peace either. Psh. Sometimes I wish I live in the 1900's where you get married, buy a house, and settle into a job at 20. Peace for your entire life, not just for the golden years.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Heh, sorry guys. I've been so caught up in thinking and *attempting* to sort myself out. I forgot how vain that task was in the first place. So lets get it back to keepinithappy. Get it back on track =D
Ten Reasons why it sucks to be a dick:
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
Heheheheh.
SAT II's were today. Geese, just what I love, 3 more hours of testing. That test was boring as fricken hell. And the United States history section owned me. Maybe I SHOULD study for the APUSH ap test.
BUT.. I absolutely owned the writing section. My essay was the bomb cuz it was such a great topic. I had to analyze the quote "what you see isnt always what you get". Hahaha, I pretty much imagined I was writing one of these elaborate entries I love so much. I wish we wrote essays like that in english. I might actually enjoy the class more... but nooooo, we get to write some friggin long-ass analysis papers on Crime and Punishment that noone in their right mind wants to read.
I'm still damn tired. I'll probably end up sleepin as late as I can tommorow. (11AM mebbe?) But I also need to start on my spanish video project. This thing is madness. We havnt even started and its due in a week. I wanted to make it real funny and stuff, but I dont know if I can anymore due to lack of time.
Other than that life was real slow today. Guess its pretty relaxing. If only I didnt feel like I was slacking. I probably should be studying for AP tests and writing or something.
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