So I should technically be gone now, but I'm not. My family and me are staying until around 11 tommorow morning, which is cool with me, cuz that means we get to pick up fast food while we're going to the Sierras. God I love fast food.. it's so good but bad at the same time. It's a guilty pleasure.

So yea, I'm going up there to ride motorcycles and just wander around. I'm not sure if I should be happy or not about that. I havnt ridden my motorcycle in a long time, so I'm kinda looking forward to it in that respect, but riding in the forest is exponentially harder than riding in the desert, and it's much easier to get lost. I hope I dont have to come back here on a helicopter. That would royally suck

To be quite honest, I dont really like the mountains. Forests are really not cool. They're so cramped and whatnot, I feel like I'm inside a house.. only a house infested with flies and mosquitos. There's never any sun up there and you get worry about west nile virus and ticks and stuff. I'd much rather be going to the desert for a week.

Going on this vacation is almost pointless, now that I think about it. When I went to Hawaii, I got away from everything: schoolwork, my social life and work. All the stuff that stressed me out. But right now, I dont feel particularly stressed or anxious about anything. I actually kind of want school to start now because I've never been so ready for it to do so.

See you all at our first day of senioritis,
luv.james

One thing I'll never get that seems to reside in people is this Camry craze. My uncle has it, a couple of my friends have it, and alot of my parents' friends have it. These people are at the point where the only car that they'll ever buy is a camry.

And as much as I dont respect SUV owners, I respect these Camry lovers even less. Let's look at the facts: the Camry is good at it's purpose: to be virtually invisible. You dont even drive Camry's, they just get you places. No matter how retarded that sounds, it's the truth. There is no emotional feeling that comes from driving a Camry. It's just BORING. It's a damn grandma's car. So why do so many people like them?

You know what's a good car? The Accord. It's got everything a Camry has but it boasts and a little spirit behind it's engine. Plus, it's styled more like the BMW 7 series (so it looks totally 1337 at night). Then again, if you ask me personally, I'd go for a Mazda, but I'm not like most people. I'm willing to sacrifice most of my comfort in a car for some serious fun. Mazdas are rough, jumpy, and fun as hell.

So there's my rave for today.
luv.james

So here's the day, quite a bit more interesting than most:

Started off with Calvin coming over at 6 to pick me up so we could go wait for Huong at Troy for like 30 minutes before we went to Dennys for breakfast. Being on a money-saving spree, I just ordered a coffee and leached off of everyone else (I wasnt really hungry in the first place). At Denny's I got three consecutive calls from friends I hadnt heard from in weeks or months on end asking me where I was. I dont know what the hell was up with that, but hey. I'm there when ya need me, I guess. What started out as a "little" get together of me, Derek, Calvin, and Huong, turned into a little party including Alex, John and Tyler Hayes as well. Fun enough.

So when I got to Troy I was really hyper. Two cups of coffee filled the the brim with sugar and a glass of rootbear will do that to me, especially when I'm running on an empty stomach. I smiled the whole time, while I was seeing so so so so many old friends that I havnt seen in so long. God, though most people hate coming to orientation, I LOVED it. I had completely forgotten why I love school so much. So ya, I was smiling until the end of it all, when Diane pretty much ditched me to do whatever.

I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldnt let her do this to me again, but look! It happened again! I'm a bit more optimistic about it now though, because looking back, the little sad/depression spree I went through because of it lasted about two hours. I hope that explains to people why I was such a jerk and acted so tired during that time, because I really am tired of it all. I'm sorry. I shouldnt let my personal relationships/mistakes get in the way of my friendships.

So yea. After I got to the beach, some friendly words from people I didnt really consider my friends and from a few others really helped me along. We played basketball at first, then swam, then played volleyball, then just sat around, then went to dinner and came back to the beach and did some other stuff by the firelight.

You know, it's not so much seeing old friends that made this day so great, but the extreme gratification that comes when you're accepted into a new group of people. When I walked away tonight, people I never considered my friends yelled out "goodbye james!" to me, when I wasnt even sure that they knew my name. So hey, I felt damn special.

On a more sad note, 27 minutes were wasted on my phone today. That is just pathetic. James Betker does not talk on phones. SO HOW THE HELL ARE SO MANY OF MY MINUTES GONE?? God damn. I wasted like 10 bucks worth of phone minutes alone. That's so completely gay I cant even express it. So I wont.

Goodbye,
luv.james

The party was pretty cool after all. When I got there for the first twenty minutes, I had thought that it would be a total bore, because just me, joel and sean were there. And I didnt know the two other guys really well, so we were pretty offish about each other. Fortunately, Ravi and Rohan showed up with a few more guys a little late, and I had my talking buddies for the evening. Things didnt really heat up until the dancing start. I havnt danced in SO long and it felt really damn good. It's like trying to shake the inhibitions out of your body or something.. you do it better the more problems you have to shake off. Heh. You know, there's nothing sexier than a goodlooking girl who knows how to dance well. A particular someone at the party quite had me going .. but that's another story.

The food was another story alltogether. Instead of beef, there was lamb, which has a similar texture and taste. As expected, everything was enormously spicy, but there wasnt an incredible amount of taste to anything. Almost all the stuff tasted like there was some various kind of pepper sprinkled over it, but nothing else. To be quite honests, it was not the best food in the world, and it didnt sit very well with me (especially during the dancing). Luckily, there was plenty of coke to wash it all down and keep me on my feet.

...
So, the next part of the evening came upon going home. I took grand up past the restaraunt for about a mile and pulled off at the Diamond Bar observatory. I just stood at the gate and stared out at the city for about 10 minutes before starting off the rest of the way home. The whole Walnut area really intrigues me, with it's rolling hills and beautifully lit up valleys. I just love looking out at the place. And when I stared hard enough, I could see the gigantic light pollution coming off of the far reaches of LA County, which is a sight upon itself.

Anyhow, I took Grand Avenue to the 71, which is how I got home. I must say that the path Grand Avenue takes from the 60 is the most beautiful road I've probably ever seen. There is a point where you descend into a valley with nothing but fields surrounding you (no lights whatsoever) and you have to turn your high beams on because the only lights is the stuff bending over the mountain tops that surround you on all sides. Like I said: the most beautiful thing.. *sigh*

You know, I've always said I wanted to stay in Yorba Linda. But from what I've seen today, I'd like to fix that: I want to live in Diamond Bar. It's just that great of a place.

So there's the story an extremely romantic evening with the person I love most: myself. Goodnight all.
luv.james

Sometimes I really wish I was born in middle-america, or at least in the north-eastern states. Because, put simply, there is a cultural identity there. Here in California we see ethnical diversity to the point that only half the people in the state (rough estimate) are white. And Southern California is particularly bad. If I didnt love every part of California (the weather, the beaches, the parks, the houses), I'd be high-tailing it out of here as soon as I graduated. Since I've come to Troy, one of the biggest obstacles in my social life has been trying to deal with all the cultures that are represented here. I have to know how to act and what to say in front of the watchful eyes of Korean, Chinese, Filipinos, Indian, and Mexican parents, just to name a few. Sometimes I dream of how easy life would be if I was able to just knock on anybodies door and just be friends with the occupants. Just because I knew their customs, and because they accepted mine.

Anyhow, today until now has been boring. I'm about to go over to Natty's party in DB, which will be an interesting clash of white-on-indian cultures. I expect that my mouth will open only to say "Hi" and "Goodbye" tonight, because, quite honestly, I'm scared of saying or doing something wrong (Calvin can attest to my particularly bad respect for Indian culture). Nevertheless, I look forward to trying Indian Food for the first time and also the drive home, which will be only the second time I've driven home alone past 10 for more than 50 miles.

Late night+Loud techno+Clear freeway+McDonalds Milkshake=Da Shit
luv.james

Man. I havnt had a sleep like I did last night for over a month. I woke up this morning at seven am naturally. And I fell asleep somewhere in the 11 o'clock range. Congrats to me, life is returning to normal. I think the stress is leaving my body. =D =D =D

So we ended up not going to the beach today. My mom said it's "too overcast" there, whatever that's supposed to mean. The water is cold whether it's overcast or not, so I really dont care. Instead we went to the brea mall. This would be my third time there in four days. Rediculous. At least this time I actually bought something: a new pair a jeans (yay!).

I also taught myself a new art of illegality: open-ratio ftp sites. I like these things because they have faster download speeds than IRC, much wider selections and they're really reliable. I'm also getting albums I'd find nowhere else, like the "wallflower" album (thanks to jo's insistence that the lead singer has a great voice) and "lovedrug", the album of which was recently billboarded on the frontpage of my favorite musical site, emotionalpunk.com. I'm also getting alot of oldies like "make yourself" by incubus and "weathered" by creed as we speak. Tee hee.

Inspiration sometimes comes from the weirdest of places, and a particular one I've been thinking about recently is from *gasp gasp* southpark. I feel kinda stupid for posting this because I've allready shared it with alot of the people who read the journal, but hey.

Anyhow, this is dialogue taken from the normally corny moments where the kids summarize up what they "learned" in the episode. It's between a gothic kid and a boy who just got dumped and is totally depressed:
G: "[Since you're depressed] Do you want to join us [the goths]?"
B: "No, I love life"
G: "But, you just got dumped! [arent you sad?]"
B: "Yea, I'm sad. But at the same time, I'm happy that something can make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sad now is if I had something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is a beautiful kind of sadness."

That's my short entry for today!
luv.james

Woooooooo
Today's been a cool down day
Get to go to the beach tom.
Then natty's party on saturday
Super-mucho work around the house sun.
Orientation/beach on monday (I think)
Family trip to the Sierra-Nevadas on wednesday

Yeeee.. I love a packed schedule. it makes stuff soo much easier. So I decided not to go to the movies today as I originally planned and just spent some time at a local park instead. I need to save money for future events such as this beach trip coming up on monday (calvin informed me that parking is 10 bucks). Though I technically am in possession of alot of money, my dad isnt really clear on when I'm going to the check. So until then I'm living off of 15 bucks. Anyhow, I was driving around today looking for some stuff, and I noticed a "help wanted" sign on my local target. Yes, the target with all the babes working at it. Totally sweet, I'm gonna get an application for there and this new department store called kohls opening near me. I think it'd be pretty cool to get discounts and stuff from a department store, and it would be much funner to work at a place like that where you can talk to customers and stuff.

I must say that people that are good at hiding their emotions intrigue me alot. It's so fun to try and guess what a person is thinking or feeling.. because most people really wear their hearts on their sleeves, and its just a matter of looking in their eyes. Heh. Just something worth mentioning.

Oh. I'm a writer. Not a reader. I'm a listener, not a talker. I find it funny because I LOVE to write in this thing, but I'm not so enthusiastic about reading other journals, or for that matter, anything online. It must just be me, but I find it really annoying to read computer screens. I think it actually hurts my eyes or makes me tired or something, but I dont notice it. Quite the opposite, I hate to express myself by words, but I love to listen to other people. Anybody who has had the displeasure of having me try to tell a story would certainly attest to the fact that I'm a horrible talker. But when other people tell me stories, they sometimes stay in my mind longer than some of my own experiences. Heh. weird how nature works out.

'Till tommorow (beachtrip!),
luv.james

Sometimes god makes me truly believe. Sometimes he puts down terribly harsh times into my life, challenging me to stay in character, and then he goes out of his way to give me something beautiful, as if to say "dont cry, I only did this for your own good". Today was something quite beautiful. It's renewed alot, and helped me feel normal again, like I felt when I got out of school.

I guess I wont go into depth because I dont feel like ruining experiences with words. I just have to say that I still smell like 10 different perfumes from some crazy fights despite taking a shower, and I'm pretty tired from walking practically all day.

To Jo and Calvin, the two readers of this thing who were with me today: you guys have got to be some of the funnest people on this earth to be around. You're both optimistic, understanding, and just hilariously funny. <3 you guys.

Since that is my entire day (really), adieu.
luv.james

I guess today turned out a little different.

Well screw that, ALOT different.

I started off going to natty's around 11 (a bit early so i could visit a ford dealership and check out the foci there and also fill up with gas) but there was traffic so I couldnt go to the dealership but I still filled with gas and got to her place on time.

She proceeded to tell me that instead of just going to some simple place like the brea mall, we were going to go all over Orange County (including to the brea mall). So we spent four hours doing that (including about half an hour of me wandering around on the freeway because I'm a dumbass and forgot where the Orange Block is), and I bought two albums and got some books and had an overall good time.

I also managed to somewhat tell her about my... predicament ...and it was pretty comforting to just put the past few weeks into words. Unfortunately, comfort is fleeting, as was this comfort she allotted to me.

I got home, did my bike ride, did some pushups and the like and had vegetable soup for dinner rather than the grilled chicken that my parents ALWAYS make(healthy me =P) and eventually got around to sitting in front of my computer.

First things first: I found this huge collection of albums on an ftp site. Totally sweet. If all works out I'm going to have so much new music soon that I wont even know what to listen to.

Then I called jo to set up the her-calvin-me thing at CSUF tommorow. All of a sudden instead of going at noon we're going to go there at 10 in the morning! I dont even wake up that early! So there's another gasper. Or I guess not. Lol.

Yea, so I guess the final thing was talking with cris about my predicament also. I feel alot more open with her on this kinda stuff because she and I see eye to eye on alot of it, but once again it felt good to just get it all out.

So there we go.
luv.james

I realized today that finding an activity that allows you to "get away from it all" is put in such a positive light in the media. Movies are devoted to people who adopt and excel in stuff like swimming just to get away from their drug and family problems. When fishermen and golfers are interviewed and asked how they came across the sport, they normally respond that during a really depressing time in their life, they adopted their sport because it got them away from it all.

I think this stuff is rediculous (sp?). Take it from me: the only way to solve a problem is to attack it head on. You cant "get away from it all" by doing whatever it is that does that for you because when you ignore your problems they just build up and become motivations for depression. I mean, I just now say this because recently, on the eve of one of my bigger crises I applied this mentality and spent half a day in a park thinking about my problems, and I came up with the perfect solution to them.

The downside to it all is that my nights have become restless. The last two nights have been fretful, and I dont really remember sleeping at all, although I suppose I did because I faintly remember some weird dreams. Thank god some dashboard-confessional-copycats called Time and Distance have provided me with some lyrics that I can really relate to, and music that I can relate to always helps.

On a completely different subject, I'd like to pose a question: does anybody else ever experience things that just make them think that something higher is going on? I mean, does anybody else ever see irony in life that is so obvious that they just go "whoa.. wtf is happening?". I'm not a very superstitious man: I refer to a god all the time though I never define who that god is and I believe in Friday the 13th (which I got through more than allright this year, I think) but other than that I dont believe in any other unearthly things. But when I'm drinking a wild cherry pepsi in a completely remote bench in a gigantic park and I put the pepsi down and reach for it a second later and find that there are two identical wild cherry pepsis sitting there on the bench, I begin to wonder. As stupid as the circumstances are, I have to wonder if somebody or something is trying to tell me something.

I'm kind of troubled right now. I meant to make a record of last nights dream because I think it was kinda significant. It had something to do with Diane and my whole family and some sort of worldwide disaster, and I really wish I could remember it right now. If I do, I'll update this post.

And I'm off to ponder on my damn dreams,
luv.james

My mom and I have this new thing going where she comes in my room late at night and asks me to tell her something about myself. I mean, it's pretty generic. Sometimes I'll just tell her something stupid like "I like changes" or "I only go running every day to listen to music", but I honestly try everyday to figure out something deep and meaningful to tell her so that she can get to know me better. It's kind of like playing poker: I cant reveal alot of the things I've done with my life, because god, she's my MOTHER; but I DO want to tell her enough that she can know me better. I guess I have to wonder if everybody is as withdrawn from their family as I am. I mean, my parents hardly know me, aside from what food I like and how much work I will put up with. It's just that we never really talk about anything meaningful whenever we're together. We always just talk about each others days and normally somebody has a long story on something fun or exciting that happened so we waste our time listening to that then really getting to know each other.

I consider my relationship with my brother, for example, very good. I could walk into his room right now and wrestle him if I wanted to. He's always good for a smile, just like my cat and my mom (provided no PMS =P), but I cant even imagine going to him and talking about my personal life. I guess that's why I feel so close to my friends, because they are my true outlet.

Tommorow is gonna be jam-packed with excellent action, and I got a few chores to do on tuesday, and Wednesday will hopefully enough be taken up, but I'm having a real problem filling thursday up. Therefore I have decided to take myself out to the movies (lots of making out will certainly be involved =P). Gonna go see Collateral (sp?) or Alien vs Predator (which I heard was a good action movie).. so if anybody wants to grace me with their presence and make me feel like a little less of a looser, be sure to contact me.

I have not driven my car for 5 days and I have not spent a dollar of my own money in that long as well. Just an interesting fact. My car seems to be dead in my driveway sometimes.. sometimes I wonder if I should take the engine out and just mess with it because it never moves anyhow, and it'd be nice to actually see some of the stuff I read about.

Dude.. my whole body is covered in paint from doing my parents manual labor today and the fricken stuff doesnt come off.. tried alchohol, acetone, bleach, ammonia, and this special pumice soap that my dad has. Totally gay. I'm gonna be speckled-white at the beach tommorow.

Oh yes. I have made myself a promise: that I will get a girlfriend early on this year so I can go to every single one of my senior-year dances and look like a total pimp (and match up to that master pimp, calvin =P). But yea, as for emotional involvement, I think I'd like to steer clear of it if at all possible. Cuz we all got one more year, and then it's goodbye. So here's my personal add:
//Nice, optimistic, quiet whiteboy looking for a goodlooking, outgoing best friend to go to all the dances with him.\Hehe, now I gotta start a "personals" section in the oracle. Good luck to me.

Talk to you all tommorow =)
luv.james

..and just like that, everything unravels. it's over, and thank god for it.

I was browsing around yesterday. Looking into other peoples past instead of my own. I have to say that alot of people have the oddest way of dealing with things. They ponder over problems for months on end, without ever really attacking the problem, as they slowly slip into depression.

Lately I thought I've lost my edge. I havnt been able to ignore my thoughts as well as I have been able to in the past, but now that I see the vast realm of problems that every person in this world inevitably has I begin to re-appreciate my unique and effective way of dealing with things. And I realize that through all of the changes that I've gone through, that I've never lost my ability to address the things that hurt me most.

I might slip into depression due to some freak occurence every once and awhile, and I might have quiet slips of anger but in the end I'm really a happy, optimistic, friendly person.

<3 to me.
congrats to me.

the cycle of change has finally ended. i am me. i am james. i'm finally comfortable. everything i've tried to do since the end of my sophomore year has finally been done, and i start my senior year with a clean slate.
i'm home.
[[insert a picture of me smiling from the heart, if i could find my digicam]]

Spent a good three hours in complete introspection in a secluded, beautiful place.

I have a secret that I've never told anyone. And it burns at my soul.

And I dont plan on telling anyone anytime soon, except to the one person who really cares.. or hopefully cares.

I love the band Say Anything.

It's one of those bands who sound completely stupid on your first time through their tracks. Stupid enough to just turn it off and start hating it. But the second time through the song, you realize that the music is only gay, but it makes you smile. Like sponge bob squarepants.

And then the third time through one of their songs, you start catching phrases like "when the axis comes to our town" and "they'll come to collect gold fillings" and "if they catch us and send us away to those separate work camps" and you restart the song and realize something incredibly weird: this song is a romance story of two jews during WWII!? Hehe, who else in this world is retarded and creative enough to make this quality crap up? noone, that's who.

I personally love the song "woe" (the one I outlined above is "alive with the glory of love"), which is about a gothic romantic and is sooooooo sarcastically funny. It's on of those songs I have to just chant along with, because it's just that funny and just that melodic and just that good. Plus, it makes me truly smile, because it's not only overly-sarcastic and crude, but it's somewhat meaningful.

So yeah. I love them. Check them out for yourself. ~And I'm justified in making this my daily entry, because I've found that some people actually do share my exact musical tastes.

You know, yesterday I serious considered just dropping this thing. I wanted to just stop writing in it, leave off on the beauty that is my last entry. Expose the innermost depths of me, James, for the last time and leave it at that.

But how childish am I? I'm not going to stop this at all. I'll do the contrary, as a matter of fact, I'll take back what I said when summer just began. I'll reinstate my near-daily entry habit, because for some people this journal is the only way to see me for who I truly am.

I must pose a question to my audience about family: How many of you actually KNOW your parents? How many of you know how they met, and what they did before having you as their children?

A month ago I realized that I knew more about my grandma's boyfriend's past then I knew about my parents. They are always living life at the present and they never sit down and tell me stories about the past. I'm glad I asked my mom today how she and my dad met. I'm glad that she told me how what started as a blind date in high school turned into a separation from her family and into a completely happy marraige. This world is so damn pessimistic, and nobody ever thinks young love is true, nor do they think it will succeed.

As I sit here, red-eyed and weary, I not only have greater hope for my near-romantic future, but I have increased compassion and respect for my parents. I'm glad I know them just a little better.

I'm often awed by how little some people change. Normally it's not a bad thing to stay the same, you're predictable and easy to know. But it leaves you open to being taken advantage of, something I never want to have happen to me again. It's funny the way I've found around this: to change myself day after day but maintain social predictability. You'll always find me around my friends, because that's where I belong; but you may not know the person I have become upon talking to me.

1...2...3......
AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

God damn. after a very unhealthy four days/~30 hours in front of the computer, I've completed what is certainly one of the biggest websites i've ever built. Well, it's not really the size of the site, but the intense complexity that building it took up. I had to learn an entire language and three new programming platforms on my computer and more than once went stomping out of my room ready to bash the peice of shit that is my computer in. But hey, it's all worth it, my pay for this job is particularly awesome (so awesome I wont even mention what i've earned =P)

SO LOOKIE HERE: I've solved all of my problems. I've gotten my social life back under control (well, not entirely), I've gotten my drivers license back, and my money situation is completely under control. Just goes to say, my life's motto (adopted in high school), "everything works out eventually with a little optimism", has once again proved itself.

So tommorow I think I'll treat myself to a gigantic ice cream cone or whatever. Or maybe me and tyler will go back over to walnut and i'll buy something fun at frank and sons. But I dont know where tyler is x(

Quite frankly, I dont know where alot of people are. Aside from diane and jo, my outside contacts for the last week have been depressingly low. I guess calvin is out "camping" (which I quite honestly cant imagine =P) and I think frank is in china. Other than that.. WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE ELSE? I've gotta do something this weekend, lest I explode with anti-sociality.

Dude, craziest thing happened to me last night. I was sitting around thinking about crap (which you all know I do, being constantly stuck in the past), and I couldnt remember what had happened monday. A whole fucking day of my life had just disappeared from my memory.. how the hell does that happen when that particular day was only 3 days ago?? It wasnt until 5 this afternoon I remembered I got my senior pictures taken (which, btw, went very well). God, I stress myself out to much sometimes. I bet this persistent back pain I'm getting right now is from fretting over all the shit I had to deal with in designing my dad's company's website.

Then we add a additional problem: I dont know what the hell I'm feeling right now. I mean, I dont even know if everyone has experienced this or not, but as of right now, I have no clue what the hell I feel like. I'm not entirely happy and I'm sure not depressed. There's just no word in the english languange to describe it.. so I'm totally confused and I'm going into this horrible introspection thing where I tirelessly stress myself out in search of what I'm feeling. SHIT. lol, it's funny when I can actually get CLOSE to how messed up my mind is.

So yea, no doubt all of you know that my balls p0wn all other's, so I'll change my icon.
Ttyl over and out.
James