Here it goes.
People come up to me. Over and over. Why are you James? Arnt you Brian? Who is James?
Not many people realize what it means.
But then again, not many people know me that well.
Think about it. What has happened to me, last year at the end of the year?
~Most people should know, and if you dont. Ask.
Trust me, for weeks after that, I was still thinking of her.
Couldnt get over it, couldnt recover myself.
I was a ball broken into peices, scattered across the earth.
All my morales, all my ideals, that had built up with such a solid foundation.
~They all came crashing down. All lost.
How was I to recover?
How could I avoid lying to myself?
How could I say, "She's not beautiful"
"I hate her". ~ I cant.
BUT
I could create a new me.
Go back to my old ways. Become somebody who i used to like.
That used to walk around that much more blind to the views of the world.
Hey, I couldnt go all the way back. I couldnt live in blindness anymore.
I had discovered love. Thats not something one can back out on.
But I could move back. I could reestablish myself.
Throw the pitiful, scattered peices that represented me back into place.
It was a way out.
A way out of lying to myself,
A way out of the pain and torture of eternal sadness.
Hell, it was a way out of her

So, to be a bit more symbolic,
To give everybody a reason for my sudden change of heart.
I renamed myself, something that took time.
Its not easy to change your name.
Its not easy to force everybody who once knew you as Brian to see you anew.
I did it. Because I believed in myself.
I believed in James.
He was me, me him.
His attitude benefited me, complimented my own shattered thoughts.
So whats wrong with me, James?
Why cant people accept that I have changed.
If you think i havnt, talk to someone.
Talk to Natty, to Shohile. Heck, maybe Chris has even spotted a change.
Then again, some people didnt even know me before James.
Hell, ALOT of people didnt know me as Brian.
They wouldnt understand. They've only known me as me.
Not that sad, pathetic excuse that was me last semestre.

~James gives me strength, morales, and a new outlook on life.
It's him thats given up on girlfriends. He realizes that I cant
work with them. That I am not a ladies man.
He is much more content with catching their eye. Being friends.
It is him, me, that escapes from the computer and goes out to have fun with friends.


I'm not schizo. I dont have multiple personalities. And I have a STRONG sense of
personal worth and being. I know who I am. Thats what becoming James gave me.
You see, there is no "Brian" anymore. I didnt have two personalities. I wasnt crazy.
I changed. And I just gave that change a name.


now consider that. think about it. understand me a bit more before i come back to school on tuesday.
Hopefully some people will be a little more sympathetic and alot more people will understand what
my name is.
~gone to Vegas, James.