I'll never forget the dread I felt when Elaine handed me that letter. It was like some large rodent was crawling around in my stomach. I wanted to throw up, but my body wouldnt let me, I wasnt nauseous. And that obscure bump that all us guys have on our throats? That was throbbing. More painfully then ever before. I had never dreaded anything more than that single peice of paper, with whatever it contained inside. I could work a thousand hours digging holes in the hot sun, be sent to jail for life, maybe even be sentenced to hang; but it all seemed easier than opening up a single letter. But I had to open it. 'Ignorance is bliss' they say, but what is bliss in a world where everybody disagrees with you? If I didnt open this letter, I would be out of the loop, I wouldnt know what was going on, and everybody else would.

So I walked. To nowhere in particular. I was heading in the same direction I normally did during lunch: the basketball courts. I didnt really think about where I was going. For the time being my friends were far away. Noone could help me where I was going, not my 'friends', not my family, noone. That was the longest walk I've ever endured. The letter in my hand seemed to dig into my skin. My skin, in turn, sweated all over the letter, making it slightly damp, but not necessarily affecting the power of what was within. From my hands rose my arms, which didnt feel like swinging to my walk anymore. Who cares about rhythm when your life is about to loose it? My feet didnt seem to have alot of motivation either. They trudged along with no real motivation for moving. They were slaves to my body, which was a slave to my mind, which was a slave to society, and the letter that encapsulated it.

And then my heart kicked in. Something I miss from those times is the way my heart beat. Each thump feeling like it would be the last. The hopeless anticipation I felt back then was almost blissful, if the situation had only seemed less bad..

So I could walk no further. I was at the courts. I looked around; spotted my friends approaching with a basketball. I couldnt do this here, no. The curiosity of friends, although sometimes helpful, is most of the time disastrous. A quick glance over my shoulder showed me the best place for refuge: some bleachers pointing away from the courts. I practically ran over to them, not even realizing what I was doing, and sat down. My whole body shivered. What was I going to find? Surely it was bad. Why would a random person like Elaine give me a letter if it wasnt bad news? My hands trembled as I opened the letter.

I stared at it with utter bewilderment. A drawing of a couple peacefully staring out at a sunset? What was this? It couldnt be.. could it? I flipped the letter over, my heart beating even harder than before. I read in quick impulses, glancing over words. I saw no phrases like "lets be friends" or "i just dont love you", in fact, I saw only playful optimism.

The rodent in my stomach stopped running, the kink in my throat shot up to my face and turned into a smile wider than I thought my head was. I felt like jumping up and screaming. Like running over to my friends, now playing basketball, and telling them everything. Telling them I still had a girlfriend, still had someone to love. But I couldnt, Lest I get a thousand blank stares. I'd have to keep this overwhelming bliss inside somehow. Pack it away. It seemed impossible though. So I just sat there. The whole lunch. Staring at nothing. Thinking about everything. Considering the future. Forgetting the past.

Love is so marvelous. I really miss it.

I miss days of confusion, pain and longing.

Days where I always had something to think about.
Where compassion ruled my life.