The dull edge of my chair drags into my feet right now and delivers a small amount of pain that lets me know I'm alive. I can feel my heart beating in my foot, my leg. There's that familiar tingling sensation as if you're entire leg has turned to mush because you've cut off blood flow. Odd how my leg stays warm even though there's supposedly no blood there. My knee presses into my chest, where a firestorm occurs. The adrenaline that's constantly being pumped out of my heart makes my whole body feel alive even as I prepare to go to bed. The confused state of stupor I'm in right now mixes with my constant thoughts of love and women, and makes for quite a concoction in the center of my chest. It's not like I'm on fire, its like I'm holding something back. It's like I want to burst out of this chair right now, shake the willies off of my leg and run downstairs and jam my keys into my car and drive off somewhere. The only time I'm ever content is when I'm moving, moving somewhere new. I havnt settled anywhere in life yet, and that probably accounts for the urge to keep moving.

I shift my leg over. How nice it is to feel blood rush back through my leg. Strangely enough it feels cooler now than before. The small urge I had to relieve my pain is gone, and with it came a little bit of pleasure. Pleasure doesnt get me very far though. It's one of those things that lasts as long as it takes to destroy itself. The only place pleasure will ever last is where I belong.

And then I realize that I shouldnt be feeling the world, I should be seeing it. Directly in front of my eyes are the two lenses that make up my glasses. Odd how a month ago they worked perfect, and now I fear driving with them as they are so badly attuned to my vision. I guess things change quickly in human life, which isnt all for the worse. The quicker things change, the faster I experience every experience, the faster I find my place.

My back is arched against the chair right now, one or two vertebrae are digging into the wood. I figure I should sit up straight. Some girl told me two years ago that slumping would hurt my posture. I guess she was right in more than one way. Physically, my slump right now is quite uncomfortable. Being so lazy as to slump everywhere certainly isnt healthy to my social life. Slouching through life unfortunately wont get me anything I want. Procrastinating in the name of courage only gets me survival, and gets me to none of the places I want to go. But where did this all come from? I guess the fact that I wont save the future of my posture nor my body from the pain just by sitting up straight.

I havnt heard a word from my stomach in over an hour. Normally at this time of night its making noises as it desparately tries to digest the slew of unhealthy foods that I put into it. The milkshake I had just an hour ago seems to be flowing through my digestive tracts fine. I can feel the effects of the sugar in my body. I think that the adrenaline high is somehow related to the fact that I have some excess energy I need to burn off. Amazing how my body keeps itself thin: becomes nervous, anxious and lustful. I'm not really sweating right now, but my body is producing a heck of a lot of heat. I remember something from physics that told me that the ability to heat up something as large and dense as my body requires a vast amount of energy. I guess I'm happy to know I wont be gaining weight because of my greedy ingestions.

I thought passes through my mind now. A memory of two days ago. A really happy one. Filled with hope and optimism. It's beautiful how the room really does brighten up when I have these thoughts. The walls turn whiter, and I start looking around. Optimism is a seed of creativity. I notice things I normally would never notice, observe beauties that really dont matter, and enjoy the simple things.

And now, as if a my body wishes to make a closing remark to my future, a genuine smile appears on my face. The recovery of one happy memory from last friday has spawned more and more memories. I love how I dont smile with just my mouth. It's like being sexually aroused, it's something you're whole body feels. The flow of adrenaline is stopped and my body drifts towards equilibrium. That rush that is constantly telling me to do something new; it's gone now. All I feel is happy. That's all I ever want to feel.

If I cant live in the present,
My head will cloud itself in the past.