Guess I feel a little better today.. not that I felt bad yesterday, just very numb. I think I've told pretty much everyone that I dont like the 2|4|6 block schedule because all my classes are extremely boring (comp sci & math w/ stevens).

I hadnt noticed it until today, but I've been really rabid in terms of friendships recently. One week I'll be talking with one guy and the next I'll constantly be around someone else. I guess it serves well in that I meet alot of new people, but it's also kind of unnerving. I find myself not liking alot of my former friends as of now, and quite oppositely I find myself really liking people I hardly ever talk to/barely know.

I did alot of thinking yesterday round 11' when I went to bed. I'm trying to figure out how I can supress the spontaneous and often painful thoughts I conjure when I'm alone, how I can do that without loosing everything I stand for. As far as I can tell, there just isnt a way to live life without suffering. Maybe its time for me to be a little more manly and just take whatever life throws at me and stop complaining.

I feel almost embarresed in terms of my behavior the last two days. I feel like I've thrown my feelings out and relied on the comfort of others to bring myself back up again. I supposed it's normal to rely on people .. but I nevertheless have something in the back of my head that tells me not to do it.

Mr Fournell (a teacher) told me a while ago that I was a cynic. Though he and I were joking around, I think he was probably right. It has never been easy for me to give my heart to the world, to entrust my emotions, crushes, ideas, whatever to the outside world. I kind of attribute that to a general mistrust of people. I guess recently I have been more active at portraying my feelings, but I still have a long way to go; as this journal is one of the few places I can oust my life onto.