It was cold outside on saturday night. One of those typical desert things: blistering hot under the sun, freezing cold under the moon. But there wasnt a moon this night, just stars, stars that illuminated the desert as if it were daytime, because there was not a cloud in sight.

The ground was rough under my bare feet. Well, rough and cold, and that makes for an uncomfortable situation. It felt like the rocks were cutting at my feet, cutting but never peircing. So I stopped a hundred feet outside my trailor, about 100 miles from California City in the middle of the mojave desert, and I looked up. I didnt even feel myself fall to my knees, fall spread-eagled onto my back.. it was more of a reaction. A reaction to the pure awe that I felt looking up at the sky.

I lay there and I stared, mesmerized. Tears that I had been summoning for months began to form in my eyes, a curve of absolute, blissful joy formed in my mouth. I cant iterate the comfort I felt in finally being able to express myself in the presence of noone on this quiet starry night.

So I cried silently, cried for about half a minute. The smile inside lasted much longer though. I can still feel it now. I feel at peace because of that one minute.

..[and as i stared at the stars, i could have swore that i saw them move. everyone of them in unison, every one except for the north star. then my view changed, i saw myself moving, moving as part of the earth faster than the speed of sound and i saw those stars passing me by. and i saw streak, shooting stars everywhere. i imagined that every time one fell another love fell silent. so much suffering in this world, but falling stars, despite everything they represent, are beautiful in themselves. and then i began to expand my thoughts. i thought of everything the stars encompassed. tiny universes in themselves, all clustered about me. a thousand habitable worlds with people living their lives out. hell, there's probably some thing, some where, that's experiencing everything that i'm going through right now. that's comforting to me. as my mind expanded, i thought about how little of the universe i knew, about how odd my life had become, focused around very few people, and a simple feeling called love. it gave me a new respect, a new awe to everything i felt for these people. and for the last minute that i lay there, i felt like i could do anything. with nothing in my sight, nothing in my peripheral vision, nothing at all except for stars, i had nothing holding me back from, say, flying. for a moment there i truly believed that i could just float in the air, fly to wherever i wanted to. it was marvelous.]..

Sometimes I wonder about myself. I try to make myself believe that other people do the same weird things that I do, but I come back to the realization that they dont. That only I, in my delerium, would fall underneath the stars and start crying for no reason. I cant even imagine how freaked I would be if I saw myself doing that.

So I wonder.. I wonder sometimes if I'm a real oddball.

..or maybe..
maybe i'm just a classic romantic.