Today's been pretty boring in terms of journalage. Tuesday and monday were crazy, I had almost a half hour of reading for me each day. Today its all short, uninteresting junk. Whateva'

I got around to thinking yesterday. I started thinking about thinking. Heh, awesome what things my mind can come up with to keep itself off of stuff I dont want to think about. So anyhow, I realized that this thing I've had, call it a skill or whatever, but the ability to turn off my mind is almost more of a curse than a blessing.

BACKGROUND:

In grades 1-8 I was a restless little kid who wouldnt stop thinking for anything. I even made up little stories about space-men who had sweet adventures when I was bored. (those stories are still cool, I want to make a movie out of them or something) Anyhow, round 8th grade I started to cool down and life started getting even more boring than it was previously. Somewhere in that period I found out how to just not think. Turn my brain off and everything, clear it out and feel the blissful silence.

Last summer when we were on vacation my mom had a really serious conversation with me. She wanted me to teach my father how to do what I had just learned out of nowhere: the not thinking thing. Apparently my dad is constantly stressed because he cant stop thinking and that stress is increasing his heart problems. I tried to tell him how I do it: take deep breaths and clear the mind, almost meditating, but its easier said than done.

..well the above example was really to say that I had never noticed my ability until last summer. I turned myself off, but I didnt realize I could do it, or that I did do it. Somehow my mom figured it out. ehh.. weird. one of those mother things i guess.

ANYHOW:

Lately I've been letting the skill get out of hand. I barely think at all anymore. In fact, I'm not thinking right now, when I'm typing this entry. (the only entries I think are good, btw, are the ones that require me to think) I'll lay down in bed at night and just not think for the half hour before I fall asleep. I'll take whole car trips to covina and back and not think the whole way. In fact, today alone I have thought probably only an hour.

Now I think it's easy to attribute my recent grade drops with my similarly recent drop in thinking. That's a downside.
On the other hand, girls dont like guys that are constantly thinking. At least from my experience. Theres a plus.
I think I might be using the not thinking things to hide from myself or something. That's a downside.
There's bliss in not thinking. It's often how I stay happy. Thats a plus. A big one.
I feel like I dont know myself anymore. That's a downside. A big one.

I hate this post. I dont know why I'm pressing the 'post' button. ttyz.