I'm so tired of protecting myself. I'm tired of my own rabid expectations and hopes. I'm tired of knowing myself so well that I realize when I'm going to hurt and I stop myself. I'm tired of seeing/hearing/reading something that should hurt me but it doesnt, because there's a wall there. Nobody gets my heart anymore, because everyone else has fucked with it too damn much. It's one of those things where you're getting punished even though you didnt do anything.

I look out my window right now with glazed eyes. This must be the price of happiness. It's so contradictory. Anybody who has ever met me would probably describe me as carefree, but in reality I'm not free at all. Most of what I really want to be has to be covered up so I can fit in.

Haha. I'm so demented. I'm smiling. I guess that goes to prove my point.


ORIGINAL:
Gosh. I'm so tired of oppresing my feelings I almost feel like stopping.

Knowing the depression and sadness that lays on that side of the spectrum leads me away from making that choice.. But I wish the people in my life wouldnt make everything so hard for me. I'm only 17! lol..


btw. I realize that I always say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that this entire entry might seem like it contradicts that statement, but it really doesnt. I'm nearly always happy because I dont have feelings beneath the happiness: I simply dont allow them to exist. Therefore I smile when I'm happy and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. touche!
..lj..