"The grass is always greener on the other side" doesnt just pertain to things that are equal or better. Since junior year I've always looked at less-than-attractive people with a sort of jealousy. They have an excuse for their lack of dating, and excuses are valuable in this world, if not for others, for yourself.

Take someone like me, who actually has hope in getting a girlfriend if he really tries, and you see why hope is such a double-edged blade. I look at every girl that is over a certain barrier of hotness as a potential girlfriend, and I have a hard time staying casual around most beautiful women. I even let women play huge roles in my life, affecting my emotions way more than they should. All because that hope exists, that notion that "hey, maybe I am good enough to ask her out".

I suppose this is one of the reasons why the whole thing with Diane is such an important event in my life (important enough to change my name over, that is). I think that that year my whole mission in life changed. Before then I had a very nihilistic view of my own body, and I had decided that I wouldnt even let girls affect me beyond the point of sexual attraction. Then I wanted only to be a programmer and I only really cared about the few friends that I had. I guess in a couple of ways you could say that that simple form of existence is much better than the much more complicated, emotional form that I live now, but I wouldnt give this up for the world.

That doesnt mean I dont envy what I used to be.

"Every now and again sometimes
I get lost on the wing of a dream
The air gets cold and seas get warm
And I can do anything
The pain wont even cross my mind,
It's the wanting and everything."