One thing I particularly dislike is when people do the "second personality" thing (like I do), but they dont fully develop the second personality. I have this friend, for example, who has the dual-character thing going on but whenever I talk to him (and I talk to his invented character) I cant go anywhere. It's like talking to a brick wall.. well, maybe a brick wall that has a face. But seriously, it's like he doesnt have a life before the moment I talk to him

He never shares his past, his experiences. He never brags, he never gloats, he's never depressed, he hardly ever jokes around. He just smiles. Like I said, a stone.

Driving to school today I was confronted by what is possibly the most inspiring thing I've ever seen: an elderly couple that actually went over the speed limit. This guy was crazy, and his wife didnt seem to mind. At every stoplight I'd pull up next to him in his Oldsmobile 500 (or something like that) and we'd gun it off the line. I've never had so much fun with any driver, and I would have never thought it would have been an old person. That alone started my day off well, an optimistic thought that "hey, maybe old people arent so bad."

I really like asking questions. Have you guys noticed? It's not only on this journal, though, it's with adults and respected people in general. Going out to the desert I swear I drive my parents crazy asking "where does that road go? does that road end up there? how do I get here?", or sometimes I'll discuss engineering concepts with my father. But neither of my parents seem to like answering questions. It's like I've grown out of the phase where I was expected to ask questions and now I'm supposed to have intelligent conversations with them or something. Pretty stupid.

Sometimes I feel really bad, especially with my mom, because I'll ask questions, assuming the other person knows the answer, when they really dont know. Then I'm forced to speculate on my own and leave the other person wondering why I asked the question in the first place. For example, I'd ask "Where does the wine country begin", and my mom would respond that she doesnt know directions very well so I just say "I guess somewhere up in Simi Valley" and she'll give me a weird look.

But one thing that doesnt seem to get across to people is that alot of my questions are rhetorical. I'll go around pondering (as I oh so often do) "Where are we from? What is death? What is life? Why are we here?" and blah blah blah, all the stuff that everybody likes talking about but nobody will admit to caring about. When I ask things like that, I dont expect to be answered, but sometimes people embarrass me and themselves by replying.

Good examples of this appear all the time in this journal. I'll raise questions and base entire entries around them and people will respond to the questions with answers, not realizing that I actually like hearing my mind think and what I'm typing is just large, unfathomable rhetoric that contains little or no meaning but looks damn good.

I really like writing, did you guys notice? I like making the stuff I write become intricate to the point where it has to be virtually desired. I like expressing things in my own personal way, and I have never seen a person that writes quite like me (believe me, I'm still searching). I mostly like going around and around in circles to make a single point bigger and bigger like I'm doing here (and in almost every one of my entries).


I wondered if I could find something people do that's incredibly corny (read: lame) in their online journals that I havnt done yet:

- Use unbearable spelling of words like "i, lol, cuz, luv, teh, nahz, etc". --done it--
- Put a text-smiley at the end of every sentence. --done it--
- Philosophize to people who really dont care. --done it--
- Try to send a person a message without downright saying it. --done it--
- Not EVER CAPITALIZING.
- Breaking up with someone through an entry.
- Mourning over lost love. --done it--
- Profess ones love to another. --done it--
- Dedicate a song to someone. --done it--
- Post lyrics. --done it--
- Write three pages of every step I've taken during a day. --done it--

Wow. I'm pretty lame. Luckily I've dropped most of these habits. But honestly, being lame/immature on this journal is one of those things I dont forsee giving up anyday soon.

As always, my thoughts were wandering in the pure oblivion of the clouds and blue sky while I rolled through the now golden green hills of the desert on my trusty (but aging) steed. I've always found peace in riding, so you might have noticed, but peace of mind usually brings up reflections of the past.

It didnt help that the particular area I was in was a particularly sensitive one, having many memories of times past that I'd rather not remember. Well, what I just said is a lie. It's not that I'd rather not remember the past, only that it's so much damn easier not remembering it.

Wouldnt you know it? There I was standing on the top of the tallest mountain with the cool wind rushing all over my body and beauty in it's purest, most natural form surrounding me on all sides, and all I could think of was her. It's so embarrassing. I wish I could stop it. If she knew I thought about her as much as I do, if she could see the unconditional love (literally, unconditional) and respect I bestow for absolutely no reason she'd be absolutely disgusted. (As would I, if someone were as glued to me emotionally and I did not reciprocate)

Then, this is one of those things that everyone who has experienced it seems to agree on. We all know that first love is never really gone so I suppose I shouldnt be so embarrassed. Forgive me, oh love, forgive me for ever falling in love.

I made a grave mistake this weekend. I rented two romances and downloaded a third one onto my iriver and watched all of them in two days. What was I thinking?

Looking at screenshots from the latest Unreal Tournament game I realized the only thing that game developers cannot get right in their endless efforts to try to render realistic humans: the face. No matter what they do, they cannot make a face appear truly human, so one can always tell the difference between say, a live actor, and one who isnt live.

Of course, there are exceptions. In this case, there are special 3d rendering zones that convert a real persons dimensions to computer dimensions and project this as a character in, say, a movie. But you have to remember that when they make movies using this (the Matrix is an example) that they are not "creating" a 3d person so much as taking a picture of a real person in 3-dimensional space.

So why is the face so hard to render? God only knows. Personally, I believe there is something more to the human face than meets the eye. We know this "thing" is there, but we cant put our fingers on it. It's one of those undefined qualities that makes us indefinitely human, and it's probably one of the reasons faces intrigue me so.

Things to see before I die:
- A hummer with the front end caved in.
- A pheonix
- A dog chasing a cat
- A liger or a jackalope
- A beautiful girl alone in a movie theatre
- The light
- A dream come true
- A president that is neither white nor male
- A person who is not a hippocrite
- Quality
- A window to the soul that isnt an eye
- A flower turn into a dove



Unfortunately I compiled this list of "actorisms" from personal experience: friends and people I know that are hippocrites in the worst ways. Well, not just hippocrites, actors really. Actors that put on masks for the world to see even though they are much different if you just look hard enough. Why everybody insists on trying to appear something but be something completely different used to boggle me, but now I've just gotten used to it. I guess I'm hoping one day we'll all grow up.

I know it all, but I'm not going to get into any colleges.

I insult everyone, but am never aggressive.

I am christian, but I never forgive.

I am independant, but I ask my parents for everything.

I am depressed, yet I smile at all my friends.

I let things get to me, but never speak up for myself.

I have a taste in music but I dont know any bands.

I am quiet but I gossip openly.

I am innocent but I hang around people constantly discussing sex.

I am popular but I have no true friends.

I have a girlfriend, but we're just friends.

I am friendly but I never talk to anyone.

I am sociable but I like being alone.

I am mysterious yet everyone can predict my next move.

I am a listener but I never hear a word you say.

Although I've indirectly referred to it over and over again the past few weeks, I feel like restating the melodramatic turn life has taken. I was thinking about grades today walking to class when I realized how little I cared. I was boring myself for god's sake. Then I thought about girls and prom, and I yawned. Everything is beginning to lose it's edge, unfortunately I seem to be the only one feeling this way.

I talked to a close friend about how I feel about school nowadays and he told me that he was saving his slacking for the last quarter. Of course at the beginning of the year he said the last semester he would be slacking. So I've pretty much given up hope on him and most of the other seniors.

Then there are some that truly dont care. I respect them. I relate to them. If I could really find something to do if I ditched every period almost every day, I would do it, only I think I'd end up at home playing ROSE (a game) or something, and schools at least a little more valuable than that, even if grades no longer matter.

To be completely honest, it is my dearest ambition to just go tell off a couple of teachers. I have it in my mind that they are the absolute worst teachers on this planet. I learn nothing from them nor do they make me do anything productive. Mix that with my lack of care for grades and you get quite a volatile mixture. I wonder if these teachers know that they dwell below mediocrity, or if they truly think they are doing a good job. I have a feeling I'll never know, but I really wish I could just go scream at them without worrying about flunking and ruining my chances for college.

I compiled and ran the first reasonably advanced Java program I've done in a couple of years and I was pleasantly surprised. While when I last programmed I normally could expect at least 2, but more likely 4 or 5 hours of debugging, it took me 1 hour to get the thing up and operational today. I dont know how my skills could possibly increase over such a period of dormancy, but it's possible that I'm a little less ambitious nowadays, and I dont get ahead of myself. I like little tell-tale signs like these. Tell's me I'm growing up, because that's something nobody ever tells you, you have to just figure it out for yourself.

I've been realizing of late that political parties have a profound impact on my friendships... and I dont even mean for it to happen! Recently out of curiosity I've been asking the friends who I tend to get along with (IE I can talk to without much argument) what their political preference is and I havnt found a close friend yet that isnt a republican.

The funny thing is that alot of these people were friends of mine and I didnt even consider their political beliefs. I just became friends with them because we were able to talk to each other and relate to each other. I think it is even more enlightening to consider that all my failed relationships, and all the friends that I tend to have small struggles/fights with are Democrats.

This leads me to two conclusions:
I will add on a requirement for best-frienditude: "You must be a republican"
I will add on a requirement for being considered attractive: "You must be a republican"

Luckily, all the students at Santa Barbara are spoiled rich white kids, so I'll have lots of friends among my republican brothers.

My last college acceptance letter arrives and I'm finally free. I'm free from choices and decisions and weighing out my academic future because the road has been laid in front of me.

And I cant help but feel waste. All this time, these 12 years of my life spent getting these 5 acceptance letters and now what? All those years, gone. Nobody cares anymore about the grades I got in high school so long as I can check the "High School Diploma" box on an employment application. I cant even fathom all of the stressing over grades and test scores I've done all my life and now all I have for the high blood pressure, the blood, sweat, and tears poured into my schoolwork is more school.

I suppose I'm not really depressed, because I realize the obvious answer to my dilemna: "But James, you can go to a college you've always wanted to go to now, you can get a good job and all that time wasnt wasted, it was spent as a stepping stone in the path of life". I dont know why, I just see this all as somewhat insignificant. Maybe it's the fact that I didnt get rejected that leads me to feel that I overachieved and I could've still gotten into a college I wanted to with significantly less work.

I'm just left contemplating life. How I'm so confined to this strict, set path. Gotta get variety. More and more.

You ever get that feeling reading what other people have to say that they are trying to convince themselves (out loud to the world) that they are happy and everything is allright? It kind of annoys me. I want to yell in their comment box or whatever that "obviously the world isnt perfect because if it was you wouldnt be noticing it!", but I'm a flatterer and normally I dont feel like hurting someone elses feelings unless it's entirely necessary. Do me a favor though guys, if I sound like I'm convincing myself in here, tell me to stop it. I shouldnt advertise to you what I want to believe when I dont entirely believe it.

Heh. Nobody believed me when I said I was gaining weight about a month ago, but I wasnt lying. I was steadily going up about 2 pounds a week, and though you might shake your head and say "why is a skinny guy like you weighing yourself", I wasnt until I got on the scale and it read 160, 10 up from my average during the summer. Then I got really conscious of my weight. That probably means my metabolism is slowing down, or that I just need to get some exercise.

It feels so good to get out everyday now, though. Riding my bike, aside from wearing me out, tends to take away the emotional extremes that used to drive me crazy, and I feel really in shape after just a month of working out daily. Of course the biggest benefit is seeing a friend who I'm very interested in including in some of my more business-oriented ambitions for the future.

Speaking of that, I'm getting back into Programming. It's amazing how little I've forgotten after one and a half years, but I guess it's one of those things that keeps with you.

Ouch. My back hurts. All because of a measly 30-mile trip yesterday where I let my bike ride me rather than the other way around.

You see, there is really two different ways to ride a bike. To understand them both, you have to account for the fact that the only real job of a human on motorcycle is to act as a balancer, keeping the bike on two wheels despite changing terrain. Having said that, there are two ways to accomplish this balancing task. The first is what I would call "aggressive", in which you keep a tight hold on the bike and force it to do exactly what you want it to by forcing the handlebars in one direction or another, thus balancing the motorcycle by using it's own weight. The other way is to loosen your grip on the bike and letting it flow over the terrain while you use the position of your body to counteract the varying forces on the bike.

Normally I'm an "aggressive" rider, by my own standards. Riding like this has it's own advantages and disadvantages:
Advantages
- You feel safer and more in control.
- You are more capable of reacting quickly.
- You are more capable of doing wheelies and other tricks.
Disadvantages
- After about half an hour of riding like this your hands feel like they're going to fall off from holding on so hard.
- It takes a helluva alot of concentration.

Whereas when I drove "passive"ly this one ride I found out the one big consequence of doing so: it works the hell out of your body, especially your back. In riding around the high desert like this I was practically throwing my body back and forth across the bike to counteract all the crap that the desert threw at me (rocks, whoops, jumps, sand, etc). So yeah, that's why my back hurts.

I was sitting around listening to my parents country music this weekend and I considered the fact that it isnt as gay as I might have used to think. In fact, I understand now why they like it so much because I started listening to the lyrics. I can completely understand how all the music that I listen to would have no redeming value for them because they have both allready found love and dont do drugs and dont worry about conformity and therefore none of my emopunk rock has any pertinence to their real life. Some bands that we both like, such as Matchbox 20, dont sing about youthful love, but love in general, and that's why my parents dont mind these bands.

And country music is something much more mature. I know all of you think that it's redneck music or whatever, but it's really just a mature version of rock blended with a fiddle and an older singer. The lyrics are alot more pertinent for my parents life, as well, talking about time passing fast, about having kids, and all that stuff. So yeah, I wouldnt be surprised if I start liking country music in about 20 years.

Life in general isnt too bad now. I find life about ten times easier when I drop all of my ambitions and just do whatever comes up, because being ambitious drives me crazy. I guess there's a hundred ways that life could be alot better, like having a job or a girlfriend, but I think I'm comfortable not complaining. The one thing I noticed was when I was out at the desert thinking about coming home and I consciously thought "great.. now I have to go deal with everything again". Gotta work on making life not a "thing" to work on but a "thing" to be enjoyed.


Introspection, the cutting blade of psychology is like a pair of binoculars: you can look through it's all-seeing lens into the souls and minds of others, but when you try to turn it on yourself you just see useless details.

I'm constantly haunted by Oedipus' legacy, that knowing thyself is supreme over all other forms of knowledge, because for me, there's so much to comprehend at every corner of my own existence that I have no chance of ever even breaking the surface of my own psyche.

Yet it's confusing and frustrating that a person can look at me and talk to me for a couple of minutes and know everything about me. It's like a maze where there is two different paths to the exit, one short and one long, but the short one is hidden behind a bush and only a helicopter view of the maze gives you knowledge of it's existence, only in this case the "bush", so to speak, is a cloud named emergent form.

(which, in itself, is a perplexing reality in the universe that causes small and simple things to have extraordinarily complicated traits in larger contexts that could never be understood at the smaller levels of existence. This is the same thing as an atom being part of the makeup of a human. An atom is just a cluster of protons, neutrons, and electrons, but as emergent form begins to take effect we see it becomes compounds and polymers and proteins and cells and tissues and organs and organ systems and then organisms, such as us. Such a large concept as an organism could never be explained in terms of it's more basic units, like atoms, which gives emergent form it's definition.)

I've noticed lately that a new aura has taken over the premise of Troy, and it's very fitting of Spring. The root of the entire movement probably lies in the fact that college acceptances have for the most part been recieved by our population. The odd anti-arrogance that exists at Troy has slowly disappated as the students realize their 4.0 GPA's and 1400 SAT's will get them into better schools then UC Merced.

And so the weight begins to lift off the shoulders of my class. I noticed from the beginning of the year that our girls were much more promiscuous, that they didnt hit the books like they used too, and I found it quite pleasant. But you can multiply that a couple times more nowadays. For the most part everyone is laid back, and for once in their life seem to be enjoying existence.

I guess the other things that really helps us is how bright the near future is. FBLA state conference is coming up in a month and most of my close friends are going and excited to be (as am I), Spring Break is steadily approaching and with the worries of Prom comes the realization that Grad Night isnt too far off.

Some people are scared. They're scared of going off without their parents and all and I respect that entirely because they realize now (as opposed to later) that they are not ready for independence, as are most teenagers. Personally, as you all know, I'm looking forward to the next year of my life. As I've said, the biggest thing nowadays is getting a date for Prom, but that's a problem for another couple of months, so screw it.

I'm going riding. I'll see you all Sunday night.

There's this girl that I knew back in freshman year. She was really small and underdeveloped and she wore glasses so I saw her as smart. I thought of her as one of those immature girls who study nonstop and dont even give a thought to anything else. To say I wasnt attracted to her is an understatement.

For too many reasons I've seen this girl develop through the years, though I havnt seen much of her this year. Today however, I caught a glimpse of her and I was reminded of why I found her so intriguing last year and the year before. Now dont take me for a pervert or whatever for the things I have to say because I'm not. When I look at good-looking girls I dont consciously tink about what I'd want to squeeze on their body or what it'd be like to have them in bed, I tend to do focus more on the glory of their beauty. It's kind of hard to put the feeling into exact words, but I guess I can parallel the way I feel looking at girls I'm attracted to to the same feeling I felt yesterday staring at the setting sun on San Clemente beach: it's a sense of peaceful complacency which is brought forth by a diamond-in-the-rough occurence, something out of the ordinary that gives my mind something besides itself to focus on.

Anyhow, this girls body really perplexes me in the way it absolutely drives my mind to a stand-stop state. Mind you, she has changed so much since I first saw her freshman year, when she was literally a skinny pole with nothing going for her at all. Her figure is now slender much like my own, with modest curves around the waist, only her shoulders arent extremely broad. A long time ago she had the most beautiful hair ever (you know, the kind I always talk about), but that's changed, but I suppose what awes me most are her legs. They're so odd, but not in a bad way. Everytime I see them in the sun when she's walking or whatever, it seems like they're all one color, there's no shadows or anything. I dont understand how that works, but it gives them this weird appearance and I always think of "bulbous" when I see them, only for me that's not necessarily an insult. Argh. It's impossible to describe. I guess my whole point to all of this is my amazement at her change, though. I mean, sure, my dad has always told me that it's the ugly ducklings that become the most beautiful at all, but it isnt often I see examples of ducklings spawning into swans before my very eyes.

Of course, there could be many reasons why the whole attraction thing exists in my mind. It could be my affinity for the not-so-normal, which causes me to like things, even if they are not physically attractive, just because they are different. Or it could be my fool-itself mind, but I wont get into that. It would reveal who it is, and I swore to myself I wouldnt tell.

To all the beautiful girls in this world: thanks for making it liveable.

What a day.

Headed out to San Clemente right after school for a job interview. San Clemente is on the far border of South Orange County, and I worship South Orange County. I love how there are mountain roads with cool air one place and a beach with salty air ten miles away, I love how there are no slums, none, period, I love how for the most part roads are never crowded and the freeways are big and scenic. I love everything about it down there, and when/if I become a multi-millionaire, that's the first place I'll think to move to.

Since I was down there and within half a mile of the beach allready, I stopped by. I dont think I've ever been to the beach by myself before. I guess you could think I'm weird or whatever, but I guess I would find it the same even if I had a friend/girlfriend there with me or not. It's always going to be romantic, whether you're there with yourself or a significant other, and it's always going to be an escape from the sublimity of most of our cities.

Anyhow,
I tried and tried to document everything I saw with pictures, but the more I tried the more I failed. I guess some things in life are just meant to be experienced for what they are, not through a bunch of ones and zeroes. As for you guys, ask me to take you down Santiago sometime, it's marvelous.

Santiago Canyon Rd:




San Clemente Beach:






As for the jobs, I'm feeling really good right now. If everything goes to plan on Wednesday, I might just have two well-paying jobs at once to fill up my checking account so I'm not poor when I begin college.

I read a book recently talking about memories. I think it was called "Man's Search For Meaning", about some guy in a concentration camp and how the only thing he had was memories and hope, synonymous with past and future respectively. That's so true, not just for people in concentration camps, but for everyone. How often do most of us take time to appreciate the present? We're always thinking about the past or the future, it's just they way we're trained. I've recently found the future to be more of a curse than it's worth. Hope drives me to do nothing more than destroy hope, at least in the cases involving women. I'll hope to do something and unconsciouly do everything to prevent that hope from ever manifesting itself.

But the past has always been an option for me. Even regret has it's own little benefits, leaving even the past's worst side appearing at least somewhat good. When I'm not attempting to live in the present, which is a skill not easily mastered, I find myself often thinking about my past in a deja-vu sort of way. That is, I take places or things and attempt to connect them to concepts in my past. Like the restaurante I went to tonight, it was the same place I had what is quite possibly the best day of last summer in. Or climbing in Chino Hills yesterday, remembering the pains I was feeling when I sat up on the tops of those mountains just trying to put myself together. Or how about my music, since I just sorted my library I went through a couple of albums I had completely forgotten about, and they reminded me of times past.

As you can probably figure out, last summer is what's on my mind now, but that's just because it's such a vivid good memory, and I dont have too many memories that are both vivid and good. You know what I wonder? I wonder what I'll be thinking about come next October and November, after I've settled myself into college, after I start looking in retrospect to my life right now. I'll probably laugh at my naivete in my stupid relationships, but respect the steps towards being a better person I have taken, but who knows?

Remember back last summer when I wrote about how I went hiking into Chino Hills for exercise and personal fullfillment? I had used my trips as escape from the world, as time alone to enjoy my thoughts and savor the edge of innovation that comes with no human contact. I was out and about on my bike today with a friend and I decided to take him up into the hills as a little show-off thing of my knowledge of their geography. Plus, I'd be able to reminisce, as memories are often more tied to sights and sounds and smells than they are to our consciousness. Sounds like a good idea, right?

Wrong.

Due to some certain rainstorms California has been experiencing, Chino Hills has decided to grow it's own equivalent of hair. At the terminal end of our journey, my friend and I were literally wading through the brush and bushes and I touched so many plants I wouldnt be surprised if I wake up tommorow black and blue from poison oak/ivy. I guess this acts as a forewarning: dont hike in California after the rainy season. It's not the mud, it's the insanely dense foliage that'll kill you.

On the plus side, during the few moments when we got out of the meadows and were able to look out over the hills, it was absolutely beautiful. Reminded me of the song "Fields of Gold" by The Police, only without the girl and the sexiness.

What a beautiful night. The sky's all lit up, but there isnt even a moon. The air is cool, but not freezing, allowing me to do the windows down-heater on thing in my car.

Driving home from my activities this night I observed the patterns of the week, something I do to predict the paths my life is taking, and realized that I fit a huge peice of my lives puzzle for the next 3 months together this week. I've found a place among friends, I've rearranged my groups, and found people that I've always respected and stuck myself in with them. I'm no longer excluded, and I feel good.

More amazing is this weekend had nothing to do with women.

I've grown fond of this new route to my brother's school from Troy. It takes me through alot of the old Yorba Linda, with it's quiet, peaceful residential areas, and I'm lucky to see more than 5 cars on my way home at 4:00. Sure, there are stop signs, but I'm willing to compromise that for the bustle of the railroad-track-engorged Orangethorpe that I normally take every day. Anyhow, I was cruising this new route today when I spotted this and threw on my brakes in disbelief:

I mean, I guess it isnt really, truly funny, but I had to laugh, because I've never seem something so random.

Anyhow, I stepped closer to financial independence today by routing all my savings account funds into a new checking account. I just had to do this:

"The grass is always greener on the other side" doesnt just pertain to things that are equal or better. Since junior year I've always looked at less-than-attractive people with a sort of jealousy. They have an excuse for their lack of dating, and excuses are valuable in this world, if not for others, for yourself.

Take someone like me, who actually has hope in getting a girlfriend if he really tries, and you see why hope is such a double-edged blade. I look at every girl that is over a certain barrier of hotness as a potential girlfriend, and I have a hard time staying casual around most beautiful women. I even let women play huge roles in my life, affecting my emotions way more than they should. All because that hope exists, that notion that "hey, maybe I am good enough to ask her out".

I suppose this is one of the reasons why the whole thing with Diane is such an important event in my life (important enough to change my name over, that is). I think that that year my whole mission in life changed. Before then I had a very nihilistic view of my own body, and I had decided that I wouldnt even let girls affect me beyond the point of sexual attraction. Then I wanted only to be a programmer and I only really cared about the few friends that I had. I guess in a couple of ways you could say that that simple form of existence is much better than the much more complicated, emotional form that I live now, but I wouldnt give this up for the world.

That doesnt mean I dont envy what I used to be.

"Every now and again sometimes
I get lost on the wing of a dream
The air gets cold and seas get warm
And I can do anything
The pain wont even cross my mind,
It's the wanting and everything."

Odd dream last night about prom and how I thought I had a date that I really wanted but it turned out I didnt even ask her. Heh. Truthfully, the only two things in high school that still scare me are:
(1) College (starting to be recieved)
(2) Prom

But there are alot of other things that annoy me, like some of my friends. Then again, I wonder sometimes if I go too far with respect to them. I wonder if they know that I'm joking most of the time with them because most people cant stand me being serious.

Anyhow, I gots lots of problems, everyone does, it's a matter of addressing them one at a time and relaxing to take pleasure in each one being nullified.