Here it goes.
People come up to me. Over and over. Why are you James? Arnt you Brian? Who is James?
Not many people realize what it means.
But then again, not many people know me that well.
Think about it. What has happened to me, last year at the end of the year?
~Most people should know, and if you dont. Ask.
Trust me, for weeks after that, I was still thinking of her.
Couldnt get over it, couldnt recover myself.
I was a ball broken into peices, scattered across the earth.
All my morales, all my ideals, that had built up with such a solid foundation.
~They all came crashing down. All lost.
How was I to recover?
How could I avoid lying to myself?
How could I say, "She's not beautiful"
"I hate her". ~ I cant.
BUT
I could create a new me.
Go back to my old ways. Become somebody who i used to like.
That used to walk around that much more blind to the views of the world.
Hey, I couldnt go all the way back. I couldnt live in blindness anymore.
I had discovered love. Thats not something one can back out on.
But I could move back. I could reestablish myself.
Throw the pitiful, scattered peices that represented me back into place.
It was a way out.
A way out of lying to myself,
A way out of the pain and torture of eternal sadness.
Hell, it was a way out of her

So, to be a bit more symbolic,
To give everybody a reason for my sudden change of heart.
I renamed myself, something that took time.
Its not easy to change your name.
Its not easy to force everybody who once knew you as Brian to see you anew.
I did it. Because I believed in myself.
I believed in James.
He was me, me him.
His attitude benefited me, complimented my own shattered thoughts.
So whats wrong with me, James?
Why cant people accept that I have changed.
If you think i havnt, talk to someone.
Talk to Natty, to Shohile. Heck, maybe Chris has even spotted a change.
Then again, some people didnt even know me before James.
Hell, ALOT of people didnt know me as Brian.
They wouldnt understand. They've only known me as me.
Not that sad, pathetic excuse that was me last semestre.

~James gives me strength, morales, and a new outlook on life.
It's him thats given up on girlfriends. He realizes that I cant
work with them. That I am not a ladies man.
He is much more content with catching their eye. Being friends.
It is him, me, that escapes from the computer and goes out to have fun with friends.


I'm not schizo. I dont have multiple personalities. And I have a STRONG sense of
personal worth and being. I know who I am. Thats what becoming James gave me.
You see, there is no "Brian" anymore. I didnt have two personalities. I wasnt crazy.
I changed. And I just gave that change a name.


now consider that. think about it. understand me a bit more before i come back to school on tuesday.
Hopefully some people will be a little more sympathetic and alot more people will understand what
my name is.
~gone to Vegas, James.

d00d. this oracle shit is really starting to piss me off. For the last two weeks, they've had some pretty stupid articles. The first one insulting all of us downloaders, of which i'm sure a good percentage of the school is made up of, and this week again with the resurgance of affirmative action for colleges. What the heck is this? Me tyler and martin seriously wanna storm into the oracle room and tear up things, but we dont wanna be all kkk style, so we wont. But, theories as drastic and controversial as that should allow us people who SERIOUSLY oppose the issue to speak out. I mean, the whole idea is just bogus. Just because one race (the blacks and mexicans in this case) dont get as much USC acceptance, so what? It doesnt give ANYBODY the right to take away white and asian chances of getting into good colleges because somebody else has bad genes. I call that racism, except its racism against the whites, which nobody really seems to care about. Hell, I was pissed off just by the fact that during the PSAT test there was an option to get college funds by being black. thats just rediculous. Isnt there anti-secular laws that prevent this shit from happening? there should be.

shit shit shit. i lost my profile pic. oh well, time to get a new one. ill take a pic of myself at vegas thiz weekend.

Hehehehe. what a great day. I dont even know why it was great. just was singin all da way home in the car. Smilin all the time even 'tho i caught half the red lights.
~Maybe its cuz i actually looked good in this awesome photo of me looking all depresed (i'm not normally photogenic)
~Maybe cuz i got looks, comments and talked to a few ppl i dont ever talk to.
~Maybe its cuz i didnt fail the physics test, nor the us, and we didnt have an english exam.
~Maybe its cuz me and fingy were messing around in all our classes together (2 xP)
~Maybe its cuz i was listenin to the second ultimate-happy band, mest, on the way home.

Whatever it is, theres only one way to go.. down. that sux. watch, ill prob fail that trig test when stevens passes it back tom.

aiya. i couldnt help but post this perverted wonder. before you start playing with it tho, be minded that you shouldnt if ur offended by nudity and/or ur parents are right behind you. After saying that, have fun w/ this pic xD

Tell me something. I dont dream, what does it mean?
Does it mean a lack of aspirations, an absence of hope. An absolute, terrible pessimistic view on this earth forseeing everything bad and nothing beautiful? Does it mean a lack of future? That ive given up inside? That I'm no longer myself?
Or does it mean something better. Does it mean that am living all I want. That I live my dream, therefore have no need to dream. Does it mean that things are so great and getting greater. That i'm blind to the pain in this world and enjoying it.

The latter, i hope.

So, i'm off, I think ill try to enjoy myself 2nite. Mebbe watch Final Fantasy Movie on my DVD player that i recently installed on my comp.
~James.

Of America:
the gentlemen spit, talk of elections.
The ladies look at each other's dresses till they know every pin by heart.
Couldnt help it xD

oh yea, i just remembered what i wanted to say. If anybody wants the new Something Corporate CD, North, or Yellow Card's Ocean Avenue, i have one of each that i obviously wont be using so just leave me a comment, email, IM, talk to me or whatever.

Today.. well here goes:
First of all, after school, i went to Tower Records on Birch. Birch street is cool and I like going there cuz its awesome. xD. Anyhow, I bought another album there, Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard. I'm starting to buy cds cuz i feel obliged to payback my favorite FAVORITE artists, and also cuz u get that cool cd-rom stuff for the comp and becuz the little cd booklet is cool also. Besides, they really dont cost alot. I remember a while ago when they cost 20 bucks a shot (at cosco too!) and then i wouldnt touch them. Anyhow, i think ill start using downloading as a previewer. Just to see if i like a band enough to spend ten bucks on em (and thats a big investment for me).
So, after getting the CD, I was gonna go home by Brea Blvd. Well, that was certainly a mistake. I wanted to get onto Imperial, but apparently it changes its name to Bastenchary or something b4 it intersects Brea. That is gay. I hate streets that change their name. So, anyhow, i got lost and ended up in downtown fullerton at Chapman before i could pull off and still know where I was going (thank god for chapman, dont ever change its friggin name). Anyhow, going that twenty or so miles of a detour was kinda cool cuz i saw some places that i had been looking for, (like kinkos and little ceasers). Hell, at one time i thot i was in downtown LA cuz it was all slummy like. Anyhow that was fun.
So i got home and now i got a nice APUSH test to study for. Since i havnt really read alot of the book, and this test is big on that, i need to catch up. Hell, i even missed a question on the in-class trivia today. that shouldnt happen *sob*. Whelps whelps. I wanted to write something else here but i forgot. so, ill leave you with that and get a-reading.

well, that last post had too negative of a title. so i'm gonna post anew. yesterday i spent about an hour talkin on AIM, which is really unique, cuz normally i do something else and on the side talk on AIM. so, normally i suck at talking and end up not really paying that much attention to whoever's on the other end. anyhow, yesterday was cool cuz i had 5 or so convos goin at all times. One with an old friend, Justin, who i havnt talked to in a long time. Hell, he lives rite next to me and i dont even know whats goin on over there. Anyhow, we talked about what was goin on at school and stuff, girls. all that (he goes to esperanza). Apparently he has a non-cancerous tumor... which really sux. specially cuz he's really fond of soccer. hope he gets better. Thats it ~james

Deadened.
Strange. feels like ive lost something. Dunno, dont really matter i guess.
Well well well. as for the RON update. the German army under the rule of the great James have conquered all of Europe with the exception of Italy and England. They are setting their sites on England currently, cuz they feel some old pangs of war, and the also like whooping people over seas. Did i mention James also has conquered the middle east and most of asia? ahh.. peace at last under the mighty germans.

W0W. the something corporate performance was awesome. Everybody who objected me in terms of ... Corday ... was right in this respect. SC rocked my pants. See, and i went alone. it was purely by chance that dmitriy f showed up. and he only did cuz he wanted to go to the movies with tyler o who had ended up canceling. anyhow, i was there pretty much alone and probably enjoyed it more that way than had i had friends with me.
First, they played Break Myself, from the new album, which is also the SOTD cuz its cool. then they did Punk Rock Princess twice, which kinda sucked. next, they did I Woke up in a Car after making fun of some foo wearing no pants and a banana suit (those guys are uber cool). after that they did 21 and invincible from the new album.. and finally.. hurricane. that song was absolutely awesome. it was like a real concert and all, mosh pit, crowd surfing, the cops taking random ppl out xD . and besides that, everybody was singing it cuz anybody who knows something corporate knows that hurricane is their second best song. after that they calmed down a bit with I Want to Save You, which was cool, but its kinda embarrasing to sing along to a song thats made for girls. anyhow, after that they did Fall, which i pretty much screamed the whole way through cuz its a real high, loud song. Fall alone took away my voice, so all i could do is yell the "Hey"s in the last song, Space. The only that sucked is that they didnt play Konstantine. But thats probably justified cuz its a 10 minute long song and they supposedly had a strict time limit.
Thats was totally awesome. To make it totally better, i got to take a detour on the way home cuz imperial and birch were both so crowded, so i got to drive on the outskirts of OC. its real beautiful back there.
Now i'm back in yellow hell. its dark as night here and its only four o'clock. oh well, that was cool. xD Time to go play some RON
~James

The world has gone to hell
so funny and such a great time to go to hell.
Its quite beautiful, actually. green yellow and orange skies, eternal darkness. almost what californians dream about. i wonder if this has any correlation with arnold taking office. Maybe we will need the terminator to free us from alien scum. Anyhow, i'm scared to walk outside cuz i'll loose two or three years of my life by just breathing in all this trash. Yesterday my car was absolutely soaked in it. and it was made up of bits of fiberglass and stuff. lemme tell you that people die breathing in fiberglass, so i dont think i wanna breath it in, with whatever else is in that air. Anyhow, everything is uncomfortable anyhow. nobody likes to have little bits and peices of ash over eveything. hell, our driveway is practically soaked. as my mom said "its raining" ash.
~nuff of that, jame.

hmmm.. feel like a change of pace.. just got done dominating over the greeks, romans, french (i killed those bastards), and russians on RON. I think ill bring out some techno/trance, some old FF tunes (Nobou Uematsu), and i guess some of the utada hikaru songs i have stuck on one of these cds sitting rite next to me if i can find em.. daym shes hot ;) but dat dont matter. Hmm, i'm worried that i wont do anything this weekend. serves me right. i gave up all my dignity, i deserve to loose spirit.

i modified the blog another time to put in the little media viewer where i can put writings and pics and stuff. thatll be cool. ill tell you whenever i modify it (its in one of the buttons at the top of the page)

if hopeless ambition is so great...
why doesnt everything stay that way?

Well, finished modeling for the most part. Heres what ive come up with in about an hour. Keep in mind my movie is set in space age times. So, of course, i start w/ a spaceship (which is one of the few things i will actually be modeling). anyhow, i know it doesnt look to spiffy now, and i honestly dont know why i'm posting it. but heck, add a few battle-scar-maps and some missles and the chain guns that i neglected to put on cuz its gonna take an hour to model those alone, itll look pretty pimp. and ill post it.
......
......
yea, if you cant see it, just reload the page a few times.. or just dont cuz it sux ;)
on a side note. who can listen to this and not go HOLY SHIT!:

Let's get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

yea, thats real coo. i like playing with words.

well well, today was a bit easier than the last. d/led the new dido album just now so i'm enjoying three new albums. thats cool. i'm pretty much free today, and that doesnt happen much. i think ill catch up on 3d animating and actually watch some tv tonite. anyhow, i also finished most of the layout. the links work cool now. thanx thanx.

On a more positive note.
That band today was pretty good. for those of you who havnt gone to those crappy punk clubs or anything, the bands there ubersomely suck, and i was severely hoping that a mosh pit would've started up in the middle of that band so i could get to the dancin, cuz their music, although orientated to the wrong place, was quite good.

This world is just too quaint.
Sometimes i wish i could cry. Just break down, be a human for once.
I wish i could care but i dont. I can only cry about lost dignity, lost respect.
If I dont care, then who does?
Who really wants to know what happened today?
Who really wants to know why everything was so -different- today?

well well well... dont think this day can get much better... bsides for the fact that bilas offline for the stupidest friggin reason ever.
Speaking of which, theres a 75% chance preforcast that james will be forced offline for a couple of months because of his horrendous spanish grade.
Anyhow, heres today: i got to school and met up with tyler (md) and byron as usual and tyler proceded to bring up the knotts trip which i dropped from. Byron then told me and him that something corporate, my second fav band ever, is playing in tower records on friday. So, with that said, and me, Byron, and two or three other people from the group that was orginally going to knotts going to see the awesome concert that will unfold, the knotts trip has been knocked off its feet. God i love it when i destroy plans xD xD.
Anyhow, thats absolutely unbelievably awesome. but its not to mention the fact that currently right now i'm downloading something corporates new album which is debuting on the same day of the concert (But through my 1337 hax0r methods, i managed to get a copy of it). Anyhow, if its good, ill buy it at tower records to show some respect for my band of choice. Just a note that that'll be the second legal cd outta the.. 100 or so music cds i own.. (the first one was evanescence). ANYhow, the fact that something corporate is giving a concert AND releasing an album can only be beaten by linkin park (my favs xD) showing up in my backyard and giving me a debut of an unreleased album hands on. Thats how cool this is. Yea. its cool.

On a side note, i must confess that the last few months ive had these little natty like (haha, sry to use you as a comparison natty) crushes that couldnt ever be. jeese, i dont understand why i even try to hurt myself these ways. it brings me as far into the dumps as i can get (even tho thats not too far)
..
so, i guess my resolution today is to try to stop staring mindlessly at what i shouldnt hope for.

The truth was that James Betker, of Yorba Linda, California, sprang from his Platonic conception of himself.

What a weekend what a weekend.. i hope me mom never gets a link to this site, cuz i'm gonna talk about all the forbidden stuff i did this weekend. Right after the PSAT's, me and T squared (tyler and tyler) had a nice little road trip, first to in and out. then me and tyler hayes broke off and went and had fun at fry's. supposedly hes gonna get a playstation for his car and we're gonna go hang out there and play games at lunch or something. that would be cool. anyhow, after that, tyler olsen met back with us and we went to this arcade store and found out that a new ddr max machine costs 16000, shit... id rather get a new car. (hey, did you know that mrs. stevens drives a pimp car?). Anyhow, i got to do all this cuz my parents were gone and my gramma had no idea where i was, when the PSAT's ended, and how i was gonna get anywhere. So, after the PSAT's i REALLY SUPER UBERLY wanted to go to tyler hayes' lan party, which i'm assuming was real fun cuz about ten people from troy (all on zelibe) were there and we almost never have get togethers like that and it royally sucked that i have now missed 2 of tylers lan parties and 2 chances to show off my super computer. that royally sux, but my parents will is strong and i'm willing to bet that they're tuffer than most of your azn parents out there...

anyhow, so i got back to my grammas house and then i went to photograph my brothers pre-homecoming pics. those freshman (my brother is a freshie) are pretty chickenish. all the guys stood on one end of the yard while the girls ran around screaming and yelling and it was quite annoying. however, after half an hour chasing my brother around and trying to pick his date outta a dozen groupies, i finally took some pics and went back to my grammas house. Not havin the internet is a hassle, but i can live w/o it if i really wanna. heck, ive been doin just that for practically the last week. Anyhow, when i got back to me grammas house, i got back to the programming of my computer. if you dont know, i'm coworking on a games with a friend, and i wanna recruit a few other 1337 programmers once i get it underway. game programming is EXTREMELY hard and frusterating. those of you who cringe under the normal programming schemas of comp sci havnt even tasted anything until you get to deal w/ pointers and COM in c++ under windows. it is a bitch and a half, and what i hate about it is that i spent roughly two hours outta the 18 or so i worked on it on developing new code, and then the rest of the... 16 hours trying to figure out why my previous code wasnt working. anyhow, that was boring, so the only social thing i did was the PSAT. sad but necessary. at least i learned some stuff.. or did i?

so, what completed this shitty weekend (cuz i get rEAL grumpy when my coding doesnt wanna work) was the fact that i wont be goin to knotts with t o becuz my parents suck and wont let me drive past 9 or drive me anywhere cuz they're lazy and because i dont have any money in my pocket book and my parents again suck cuz they wont give me any. of course, i guess those are all priveliges...still

there. posted a big one. need to go shop for a d3d8 programming book again.
i hate mrs varieur.
~james

Ya know, ive learned to trust no computer but my own. it seems no matter when i put my trust in terms of coding and images in somebody else, they always screw me. Oh well, back up and happy bout it. Its also cool that rite now i'm hosting my background stuff somewhere in england. hehe

Friday i realized something:
Theres a big difference between beauty and hotness.

awww. i was gonna write sometin completely cool here today... but to be completely honest, i took a break today. ap us test is over, nothin really to worry about in spanish math or science. some shitty health assignment that i really dont have to do but do anyway, and PSAT practice. anyhow, i really wanted to write a 5 page essay or something, but i ended up writing a really cool 3d app where you can make your own worlds and stuff, so that was cool. ~ttyl.

Haha, bein the nerd i am, i just had to change the title of my blog to James Version 5.3, since i just realized that this is the third reformat of my fifth reincarnation of my journal. Wow, 5 different journals in one and a half years.

hehe, what a shitty start for such a great new layout i'm setting up. half the stuff doesnt work, and that that does doesnt work right, so rite now this site is solely for journaling..hehe

anyhow, my mindset has been completely warped the past two days. ive been thinking (again) about doing something rather then working it. if i was to fight for something, push for it, it would fail because that's nature. I cant fight against nature. jeese, you'd think i'd have learned from the diane fiasco, but apparently not. at least i caught myself before it was too late tho xD

W0w, so i got mad at my OS again and i redid my comp. put w2k on this time tho, cuz i love it oh so much. I'm gettin good at reinstalling os's. this time i did it in less then 5 hours. thats gotta be a record. and lemme tell you, ders nothing better then a clean installation... ahh.. the speed! aside from that, ive devoted tommorow to doing AP US questions and working on a new format for my p00r outdated blog.

and on the less nerdy side, today was pretty cool. apparently daniel fingerhut was pimpin with more then one girl... u P.I.M.P. and i guess alot less people went to hc then i thought were going. (by teacher poll) heeh, i thot EVERYBODY who's ANYBODY was going to this dance.. or wait, they did xP (no insult to my non-dancing friends, of course). but those who did go said it was the funnest thing ever. And i agree. so there.
To know how much fun i had, just look at the pic of me in the actual dance where i look all surreal cuz i'm sweating like a pig and my face is all flushed. i was having so much fun, i didnt even know i was hot and that i was sweating. lol, i musta looked terrible half the time during the dance and i didnt even realize it.

The Epitome (natty) of Confusion:

Yesterday was...different. god, i dont even know how to put it into words. its as if something pent up inside for six months
escaped if not for four hours. hell, i cant even remember half of what happened. i try to look back and remember all i did
said, everything that happened. its as if theres a cloudy fog over yesterday. all i remember is i had fun. i was smiling
all the way home. thats it. i realize that for an entire four hours i danced without even thinking about the time, about what
was passing by, about what i was doing. i could almost cry... it was truly great. sorry if i sound vague here.. but i really
cant remember, i cant describe how i feel..almost like i lost something
~hell, i wish that didnt end.

wow, its 3:00 and i havnt even considered mah hw. i think ill get started so i can have some fun tonite xD
oh, and have some fun with this, thanx to frank on ZeLiBe:
DubADub

Ahh, while its still fresh in my mind, lemme just mention: Homecoming ruled!
I feel like doing something cool.

ok.. somethings malfunctioning in my blog. and if you dont know me that well, know this: i get the shivers when my code malfunctions.. the thot of a bug in something i spent hours coding is quite scary, so forgive me if i seem a little mad until i fix this catastrophe.

Wow, what a week. SO much homework. SO much work. SO little things i wanted to do. I almost lost it yesterday. I almost lost my cool, the happiness that keeps me together. Something happened. Frank, Natty, Bila and a few others helped me more then i thought was possible. They dont even know what they did, but they did. Not even the swarm of cops everywhere today brought my mood down, i was happy. Thanx guys.

god, you guys must be tired of all these one word posts, but here:
9:00 AM: x(
9:00 PM: xD
i love my friends. thanks you guys, all of you.

mmmmm two days till and pounds of homework

I dont think i can drink coffee in the morning anymore...

Haha, still havnt remotely started on HW... i guess ill consider today a "relaxing day" and work tommorow... x( daym procrastination. Anyhow, i put up links to my past journals, (goto the buddies->archives->previous entries section) and let me tell you that "renewmeinside" and "cantoiridium" looked damn fine... i think im gonna jack my own old layout cuz it was so cool. thats all. internet is actually working! yay! i love my computer! *hugs computer*

hehe, FINALLY got my internet to work. Turns out that the super video card i was using (with 1600x1400) was taking all 133Mhz of my BUS speed for its own selfish needs. Filthy bagger. Anyhow, whipped out one of my older AGP cards that i have just lying around, plugged it in, and wallah! my internet works... but now my monitor is acting all weird.. gotta find the driver for this card.

Haha, hope that made some sense at all, but tis ok if it didnt. cuz ur all not nerds. Im a nerd. not only that, but ive been working on stuff that isnt pertaining to school for 3 hours now and its 6 oclock. i better get to friggin work!
~ttyl

Dude! its comp sci and its boring as always. I had something meaningful and crappy and depressing to write here, but what the hell. GO TO HOMECOMING! yay. comin s00n to a james near you.

Lesson of the day:
dont ever take for granted those small things out there.
Example:
Me and my friend luke out at the desert were just walking around chatting for hours on end (Thats the good stuff) and every once and awhile we came upon a stinkbug (one of those things that sticks its butt up at you when you touch it and emits smelly odor out of the anal region.) obviously, obsequious creatures such as these must not be allowed to live and we destroy their lives ASAP (usually by the typical shoe over bug manuever). However, on the last day of our stay at the beautiful, desolate place known as the desert, we came across a wondrous flamethrower, which we used to subsequently light numerous ants and moths on fire (nothin better then a flaming moth). Luke wondered what would happen if we lit a stinkbug on fire, and declared that it would probably blow up. Inspired by this idea of pyrotechnics, we set off in search of stinkbugs. An hour later (and many bottles of water might i add) we could not find a single friggin stinkbug. So, there you have it, you otta appreciate those small things, cuz they mite dissappear some day and never come back.
This has been james, over and out.
(congrats to natty for her publicification).

Ohhhhh Kayyyy...
I'm still setting up me server and whatnot, and i also am trying to figure out what da heck i wanna do wit it. My mom doesnt like the sound of the hard drive, and if ur not a comp nerd, ud know that old rusty harddrives are loud and obnoxious. so..... ill just do blogger for now. mebbe ill stay here cuz its easier and i dont have to screw with my templates that much.. i can just be lazy and find them online.