So for the last week my front yard has been undergoing the process known as 'youryardisbeingtornapart'. My parents are spending around 100k to add a huge circular driveway and make the whole house all pretty-like, which is cool with me because I'm gonna need some extra space to park both the accord and my new car whenever I get it.


I'm riding up what's left of our front yard. This is my brother's little minibike/play bike. My full size yamaha actually fits me, so dont scream at me.


So here's a pic of my brother riding up the same mountain....


Ten minutes later here he is on his way to CHOC.


So yea, he goes down the steep back end of this moutain with me watching from the top of the thing and his front wheel catches and he flies off of the bike with his weak arms out in front of him to stop his fall. Unfortunately, my brother is not a big fan of milk, and his bones are brittle like crazy. His forearm breaks instantly on impact and all of a sudden I'm staring at his bone which is poking out of his bleeding arm which is spurting blood out of some broken artery or something. Not a pretty one. We had to call the paramedics because he was about 10 feet off the ground in another pile of dirt and it would have been kinda hard to move him without making matters worse for him.

Nevertheless. I dont want sympathy. If someone tries to apologize to me here or at school tommorow I'm gonna smack them. My brother has broken so many bones its not even funny.. this is just the first one that I've seen.

So I'm going to print out that bitch Varieur's essay and go give my computer to Tyler cause I dont feel like packing it tommorow right before I leave. I'll see you all sunday.

..lj..
my goddamn ankle hurts, it's sprained. I'm gonna go put it up and watch fickle kerry try to look better than bush (even though everyone who's got a mind can see that he's a self-contradicting idiot).

So Shohille comes up to me this morning and hands me a part of my homework I accidentally left in the library yesterday. It may not seem like much, but the effort taken and the thought he gave to it made me really happy. I like it when friends make me feel like a little more than just another stranger.

A friend of mine invited me to come with him and another friend of mine to a vacation home of his in central california this weekend. It's gonna be fun. Hella fun.

As for the rest, I'm really tired.
bye.
..lj..

Through some recent rantings by a friend I realized how much I like organization in my life. In terms of what I do each day, I like to stay as on-schedule as possible. Not only does it help the people who want to find me, but it also gives me something in terms of what to expect.

In itself, this isnt really spectacular, but when you take it out of the context of my life it is. Up till some unknown time over the summer I used to like my life really disorganized and spontaneous. I liked randomly going out with my friends when I was least expecting it and trying new things just for the sake of experience. I geuss I've gotten more boring though. Now I'd rather just sit around and let the variables in my life be my friends. I dont really like having to deal with new situations anymore, I'd rather just understand my own.

An example of my insane organization is my consistent paths each and everyday at school:

I was really bored in science. Damn Mr. Kirkpatrick. (Click to see big pic)

I guess you could say this extends to alot of areas of my life, albeit vaguely. For example, I dont feel the need to try something new in terms of clothing or hair style. My personal style is just something I call "formally casual", normally consisting of a good dress shirt and jeans/khakis. I dont think my personality can be really given away by crazy pinks and oranges nor with tatoos and peircings. That's just me though.

So I've finally come in possession of the new Sum41 album I've been waiting for for so long, as well as a new Good Charlotte one that I didnt even know exist. I have to say that all these old bands have changed their style so much in their new albums. Good Charlotte is practically rap now in some of their songs, and Sum 41 has gone 'mature', but in the direction of the offspring (meaning they deal with stupid shit instead of romance).

Since I had almost no homework today and two albums to listen to, I did one of my favorite things to do to the beat of music: web design. I've been working on KiH version 13 for some time now (about 2 months), and have been having some real troubles with the gigantic scripts that make up the new version, but I've finally done it. Of course when I finally perfected it the bastardous blogspot put it's ads all over it and ruined it, but it's still pretty sleek. link=keepinithappy.blogspot.com. Notes:
-For those of you who dont know, KiH is just the blogger version of this LJ. Same thing really. I just post in both places.
-A point to be made is that KiH is on version 13 (although it started on 6, which was the last version of my previous journal site), which implies the obvious fact: it's much older than my lj. Entries from there stretch past more than a year ago, which is pretty cool.
-Uhh. it's IE only because that's the only browser I'm super-proficient at scripting for.
-Try oscillating the mouse over the 'musik' link. It makes the 'coming soon' bounce back and forth like a ball. I didnt even program it to do that, so it's an emergent behavior, and I'm stumped as to how it does it.

Anyhow, for my friends that are tech-savvy, (frank, calvin, jeff, kester, jon??, jo??), I urge you to take a look at some of my scripting code. I <3 it and it's super crazy.

Anyhow,
..lj..

Luck has not been on my side this day. I went to sleep at around 9 (my normal bedtime) and my body decided to wake up around 12 in the morning. Exactly why I dont know, but I vaguely remember a pretty bad dream, so that could have beent he problem. Nevertheless I found myself literally driving myself insane around 12 because I wasnt really asleep but I wasnt really controlling what was going on in my mind, and I was thinking about thousands of discontinued, random thoughts. I must say that I've never been so uncomfortable in my life, my head hurt from the insanity I was being driven to by these simple, inane thoughts. I dont think I'll ever understand that one, because I dont really remember what they were.

So I finally completely woke up (meaning I regained full consciousness and control over my mind) around 12:30 and realized what time it was. I also realized that I was fully awake, and that I'd have to find some way to put myself back asleep. I took an advil, watched an episode of the simpsons on my computer, and then took out my favorite sleeper-book: the biology textbook. The textbook's magic didnt work in this case, and after reading two chapters I just gave it up and turned on some soft music and tried to put myself to sleep again. When I didnt fall asleep and the music ended (around 2:30), I just decided to start thinking about stuff, namely my friendships and all the stuff that's happened to me in the past year. Around 3:30 I started drifting in and out of consciousness and finally about 4:00 I fell asleep again, thank god.

Of course, my alarm goes off at 5:30, which meant I got only an hour and a half of sleep. Only my alarm didnt go off (at least I dont think it did: my subconscious body has figured out how to turn the damned thing off without waking up) and I woke up at 6:00, giving me 15 minutes to eat, eat, put my contacts in, brush my hair, and do all the other stuff I do in the morning. Of course, I did a crappy job on all those things and I still ended up late to school (by late I mean I didnt get to talk to anyone before classes started). And I was insanely tired. As I am now. I hope my alarm clock works.

And having left 5 minutes later from my house than I normally do, god decided to put every light on my trip to school (roughly 20 or so traffic lights) to red. So I wasted tons of gas and probably a good 20 minutes getting there.

Thankfully the things that luck doesnt have control over (IE my social life) have stayed fine today. But I did manage to miss 16 points on a math test because the teacher tricked me by mixing up the order of the polynomials. I felt extremely disgraceful.

Also, somehow my parents got word that college night was tonight so I had to go all the way back to troy to grab about 4 brochures. Ridiculous.

Someone's got a case of the mondays: me.
..lj..

I cant help but wonder: WHO READS MY BLOGSPOT??? I get 7 hits a day roughly but I dont know who the hell goes there instead of my lj!?

I'm so tired of protecting myself. I'm tired of my own rabid expectations and hopes. I'm tired of knowing myself so well that I realize when I'm going to hurt and I stop myself. I'm tired of seeing/hearing/reading something that should hurt me but it doesnt, because there's a wall there. Nobody gets my heart anymore, because everyone else has fucked with it too damn much. It's one of those things where you're getting punished even though you didnt do anything.

I look out my window right now with glazed eyes. This must be the price of happiness. It's so contradictory. Anybody who has ever met me would probably describe me as carefree, but in reality I'm not free at all. Most of what I really want to be has to be covered up so I can fit in.

Haha. I'm so demented. I'm smiling. I guess that goes to prove my point.


ORIGINAL:
Gosh. I'm so tired of oppresing my feelings I almost feel like stopping.

Knowing the depression and sadness that lays on that side of the spectrum leads me away from making that choice.. But I wish the people in my life wouldnt make everything so hard for me. I'm only 17! lol..


btw. I realize that I always say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that this entire entry might seem like it contradicts that statement, but it really doesnt. I'm nearly always happy because I dont have feelings beneath the happiness: I simply dont allow them to exist. Therefore I smile when I'm happy and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. touche!
..lj..

How to make the best dinner of all time:

Egg yolks are solid if you handle them tenderly.. perfect for throwing at cars! Nevertheless, given my family's high-cholesterol problems, I feel obligated to take this yellow wonder out.

Uhh. This may look like cottage cheese, but it's egg and butter and milk - the three that make the best scrambled egg white ever.

You all know I love microwaves. Not so much because they cook stuff, but because they're so damn deadly. Here is what happens when you throw a peice of metal (in this case a fork) into a cup of boiling water straight out of the microwave.

Here's a water-pouring job that the iron chef would be proud of.

Man, life cant get better: the best food, the best drink, and the best movie. I hope I dont have a heartattack.

So there you go! In 5 minutes you can have the most unhealthy food (as well as the cheapest)(as well as the best) known to man cooked up in your very own kitchen! That is provided you're rich enough to be able to afford a microwave and stove..

I've never been the one to be different,
You've never stayed the same,
Through every graceful movement I see a sparkle of new,
And I remember an old part of me.

My heart is grey and coated in dust,
It's nothing pretty now after all it's faced,
But hope has always had a knack for curing,
Sometimes I wish you'd help it along.

Of course, you have no responsibility,
Just the obligation of friendship,
And that has it's limits,
Limits only I seem to cross.

I cant change who I am, even for you,
I can just try my best to stay silent,
I'll keep everything within me at bay,
And restrain my eyes to friendship.


One of my favorite places, the end of Oak Meadows. It looks out over all of East Yorba Linda and the 241 freeway
the first pic is east yl, second the freeway, third the beginning of the gigantic range that extends to san diego.

The first half of today was made miserable by a peice of popcorn lodged in the back of one of my teeth that I couldnt get out with my fingers. When I got home, though, I easily removed it with a toothbrush, and the day immediately took a turn for the better.

I somehow ended up going to a jazz festival on birch street this afternoon, even though I dont like jazz. Of course, just the prospect of getting to talk to friends was good enough for me. As it turns out, what I thought would be just a casual hangout thing where I just stood around and made a couple of jokes turned into something alot better. I actually got to talk about alot of stuff that I've kept locked up inside of me for a long time, and it felt really good.

I'm also really relieved, because this is the first chance I've had to talk with Calvin alone for a helluva long time. It makes me happy that we can still just carry on forever and ever until somebody stops us.

Speaking of memories, I've finally found proof that I am a completely different person now than I was two years ago, thus proving that my nickname james is fitting. The proof I have comes from listening to some old Hoobastank songs, which made me relive some of my old sophomore days (the days when I listened to these songs), and I realized that everything about me back then was really distorted from how I am now. It's like when you crack glass and try to look at something through it: you can peice an image together, but there's one part of the glass where you can see a particular side of the image, and a big divet and then another part of glass where you see the object with a somewhat different perspective.

Errr. If you really care and didnt get that, try reading it again. I know it's unclear, but I think it's understandable.

Anyhow, I forgot to take my camera along with me to Birch to snap something for this beautiful journal, so no pics today. Sorry!
..lj..

Sometimes I wonder if teachers know what the hell they're doing.

Like Mrs. Varieur, my english teacher. Yesterday she tells us outta nowhere that we suddenly need to (a)choose a university that requires an essay to be written and (b)write the damn essay. I dont know about everyone else, but I was planning on spending a couple of weeks writing, rewriting, rerewriting, (probably rererewriting) and reviewing my essay with my friends and family. It's not something I planned on doing in a time period of two days, which is what this insane teacher expects me to do. Whatever, that's why 'bullshitting' is one of the many ways you can do homework (one of my favorite ways too).

Or Mr. Heaton, a science teacher from last year. I dont even understand how this guy even got hired, or even moreso, how he remains a teacher. Every day I went into his class he was obviously high on something and would talk about colorful life stories about how he swings his kids around and around on a beach, holding their arms and doing the 'helicopter'. Of course he was teaching about centrifugal forces, but all I really learned was that I wouldnt want him to be my father, because my arms would probably hurt from all the forces.

In general I dont really learn anything at school in the first place. The only thing that most of my teachers do for me is make me recall old facts that I've taught myself years and years ago. I knew how to do limits and integrals and derivatives, and to an extent I still do, so all the math teacher has to do is talk for about ten minutes until a light goes on in my head and I remember everything. Of course they dont do that, they keep going and I have to stay awake lest I loose participation points which are specifically made to be worth around 10% of my overall grade.

I remember during summer when a specific fear began to rise in me for the first time in my life: fear for my own friends' lives. Before this year we were almost all just typical high school students who really couldnt risk their lives if they wanted to, but now it seems like all my friends are strapping themselves to hunks of metal (things that most of us know as 'cars'), and driving around like freaks. I admit that a majority (by a small margin) of us are good drivers, but there are so many people I honestly worry about. Not necessarily because I drive with them, but because I care about them as people, and I would feel really bad if they got hurt. Today one of my better friends was hanging around after school and told me out of nowhere that he got in an accident in the parking lot. And I felt really sympathetic/bad for him. I dont like feeling like that, but hopefully he got something out of my sympathy. So yeah, I thought I'd mention that.

My dad got a new truck today, a chevrolet avalanche. I'm not too fond of it myself, but then again I dont really like trucks or SUVs or luxury cars. I'm kinda biased towards sports cars with their excellent handling/speed/beauty. Nevertheless, it's kinda cool because I might be able to convince my dad to let me drive his old gigantic truck to school every once and awhile, and I can look like a big whiteboy pimp. Which is always a great thing.

seeyaall,
..lj..

Arr. I'm tired and I got nothing to write about.

I wonder what would happen if I was asian?

I mean, besides picking up loads of asian chicks with that fearsome mug, I dont think that much would be different. My white friend Tyler has accused me of "converting". But with the pressures my parents have on me (as well as the rules of my household which strangely resemble asian rules), and the fact that I've always been around this crowd, I think it's arguably correct to say I've led an asian lifestyle since seventh grade.

NAW.. I dont wanna be asian. Being white rules in most everything, except when you go to high school with a bunch of asian chicks who have to worry about what their parents will say when they date a whiteboy. Oh, and the fact that racism for the last half century has turned and been targeted at white people, at least in California. Aside from that. =D =D =D =D

dude.
..lj..

Man, homecoming is a pain in the ass. Everytime I think I've decided something something else just pops up and makes me go "whoa" and suddenly I'm walking down a new line. I feel like I'm being played, even though I know I'm only playing myself. Heh, if I didnt want to go so much, I would have just given up on this whole date thing a long time ago. But I do want to go, so I'll persist till I drop =D
~I'll just be glad when I get it over with. Hopefully this week. Then my life will be quite a lot more controlled.

When I got home today I just didnt feel like doing homework at all. Luckily I can procrastinate on most of projects for a couple more days and just do math homework tonight. I just feel really sick (because I am) and I wanna sleep and go back to school and face all the shit there.

Right here and now has gotta be one of the greatest times to live and be a music lover. So many popular artists are shitting out albums I (and my mp3 player) am overwhelmed. JEW first, now the Used promo has come out, with the new trust company and sum 41 albums soon following. Those fans of the used's hard rock feel from their last album will be sorely disappointed with the new one, but I must say that I'm impressed. I like it's quirky feel, and I can tell it'll be a favorite of mine.

That's all for today.
..lj..

I have this problem. It's been here since middle school, been prevalent since high school. It's called motivation. I've never had it because I've never had a reason to have it. Until recently it was one of my biggest goals in life. I wanted to be motivated to get the best job, the best grades, the best everything. But like everything in this journal, I have come to question it.

My father is my hero. He is one of the most motivated people you will ever meet. He has never been in debt, he has stayed with his wife for more than 20 years, he got nearly straight 'A's back when those kind of things didnt really matter, he went to college and got a degree in a field that at the time barely mattered. Now he's at the top of a business, making more money than I could probably ever hope to make. Although my family is still probably just considered the middle-middle class, my dad is successful, and noone can tell me otherwise.

But is he really? Everyday he trudges to work and is made completely miserable by his bastard-bosses. He fears being laid off constantly and works an extra two jobs just in case. He has to put up with the stress of his wife, who is now going to college again, and is in the process of starting his own business, something that is extremely hard, put lightly.

I wonder if motivation is really what makes life. If getting straight 'A's and getting the best job and the most money is what gives us true happiness. I wonder if my father is an example for me: telling me that success has almost no correlation at all with happiness. I wonder if I should get good grades, or if it really matters at all. Maybe the smartest people in the world are the people who really arnt smart. Those people who work jobs at a steel mill and dont know anything outside of their family and job.


Actually. I dont care. What I care about here and now is why people get depressed. At our age, there is nothing to be seriously concerned about, so why are so many kids depressed? Why do the biggest smiles at school flip directly upside down at home? Are we all fakers, hiding our sadness behind some gigantic mask we've come to call our face?

People that hide their emotions. (who hide themselves) They're horrible.

There's this problem I have with great days. I get into bed on those days and I always feel so sad. One thing I've realized about great things is that they only happen to me once. No matter how hard I try to recreate my experiences, they never come back the same. I realize that tommorow something great will happen, but what if I want what happened on friday to happen again? I'm SOL (shit outta luck) in that case. I guess I really dont want to be totally surprised.. maybe in terms of my happiness I'd like to stay constant for awhile. Settle down, if you will.

So I spent pretty much all day doing homework and the like. Sitting in front of/around my computer all day makes it really hard for me to keep myself happy. I can think happy thoughts and all that bull, but in the end I have to experience things to be truly happy.
..lj..
the new jimmy eat world album is out and it's awesome, btw

So I woke up this morning and my ass really hurt. (by that, I mean my butt/thigh muscles) You know why? Because I went on a wimpy 4 mile run last night and I havnt run in so long I've lost all my leg/thigh muscles. Shoot.. I need to find some time for a regular workout schedule like I had during the summer.. or I'm gonna become fat/toothin/weak. Anyhow, I've been walking bird-legged everywhere today, because my whole lower half hurts so much.

The family cat has recently decided to puke up hairballs all over the house so me and my mother decided to shave all her hair off today. Here's a lesson for y'all: never try to shave a cat. Their hair is really really really fine, which makes it nearly impossible to shave it off. Me and my mom quit trying after we shaved the tail and about half of the back end of the poor cat, so now she looks like some retarded poodle... Well actually more like a onethird-rat onethird-fat pidgeon onethird-fat cat.

Halftheway through today my cellphone vibrated and I took it out and had a text message from a phone number that is now infamous to me: 422-5128. Apparently when I got my cell back in February, some other person had previously had my same number, and for the month of february into march alot of people called me and I didnt know them (therefore I didnt answer). But whoever this 422-5128 person is is really persistent. He/she continues to call/text message my cell 8 friggin months after I got the thing. After that long you'd think he/she would figure it out. Maybe I need to call him/her and tell him/her off.

Haha. Or maybe it's actually somebody I know. =P

My brother's computer crashed today. Pretty funny because he said what he was doing when it crashed was he was downloading some music off of my computer. I swear, my computer p0wns all others. My computer has crashed my parents computer once, and my brother's twice, and I just cant figure out why. I think it has it's own proprietry virus or something embedded in it. The best part is that my brother pays me to fix his computer each time it crashes (I know I'm a horrible sibling). So my computer is making me money... inadvertantly =D

Thanks to Frank, I've come across a very cool new community/website @ audioscrobbler.com Apparently the website is down right now, but everybody should join when it comes back online. It basically installs a plugin to your favorite media player and records all the songs you play, then posts your records online and gives you suggestions to other music you might like. There's also groups and stuff you can join, but I wont go into depth about it, I just urge everyone to check it out.

I think I'll go watch a movie or something,
..lj..

I havnt touched on seriousness in awhile, but it's friday and a good time to do so.

I've woken up every morning this week and last with a smile on my face. It isnt really optimism, or some element in my life that makes me happy, it's more the fact that I've just felt like being happy lately, so that's what I am.

I've been noticing some pretty disheartening things happen around me lately, though. My lifestyle is changing drastically, with my friendships and lyalties shifting all around. My classes separate me from my friends and senioritis separates me farther from them. I'm left almost lonely. I havnt had a decent, serious conversation with anybody for nearly a month now, but that's not my fault at all. You see, I havnt had the chance. School is both a curse and a blessing for relationships: A blessing in that I seee so many people I know, but a curse in the same respect. People tend to congregate in groups, and being part of a group is something I'm generally not good at. I've always loved having someone to myself, because that's when the stuff that really matters comes up in conversations. You'd be hard pressed to find me talking about anything serious at such a social place as school because (1) there's too many people all around and (2) nobody really has that much patience at school, everything is so fast-paced.

I really miss summer and the little dates I went on with people. It was like having 5 or 6 girlfriends at the same time, though some of them were'nt girls. I guess in that respect I've found a reason to like summer. Yay. I think.

But it's not just the conversations that I miss, it's the people themselves. I've long ralized that people at differently when put into different situations with different people. A guy will act completely different, for example, when he is around hot chicks than he will around his friends. There are more subtle differences, though. Some people.. (most people) have different personalities that they seem to associate with the different social groups they hang out in. My problem with that is that I feel like I dont even know my bestest friends anymore, sometimes. They drastically change because they are near different people, and all of a sudden I cant talk to them anymore. It's ridiculous.

If anyone ever asked me what the most important trait I find in a friend is, I would almost instantly respond that the most important trait a friend could have is a static personality. I like people when I know who they are at all times, when I can approach them and talk to them whenever I want, and not worry about the other people that are surrounding them.This belief stems from one of my favorite songs of all time, "the hero dies in this one" by the ataris, which basically is about everything I've just written.

I wish people could just be themselves. Always and forever.
..lj..

Speaking of stupid people, here is one:
I was walking out of cosco pushing a cart with a huge cardboard box on it and a gigantic picture of a TV on it and big words that said "PANASONIC TV". So as we were walking out of the exit the guy that checks receipts asks us "You got a TV in there?"....
It was all I could do to hold back from saying "No, we just have a fettish for large cardboard boxes". Damn.. some people.

On the way home today I stopped at a ford dealership that is basically between troy and my casa. I couldnt find a parking place there so I just parked next to one of the new cars. Pretty funny. Anyhow, I got to check out the new 2005 focii (plural for focus) which is hopefully what I will end up with. Due to the extreme rebates and price slashes that ford likes to pump out, I can get one of these fully loaded for my low budget of $12,000. At first I thought I would be compromising by getting one, but from seeing them in person today, I must say I've fallen in love. The hatchback models look particularly sweet in black, and if I lowered them, they would be pretty pimp. So yay. I'm looking forward to my new car. =D

You know what sucks? People who drive like they own all the other people on the road. Mind you, that's not the same as the people who drive like they own the road (which I do, because I do own the road.) These are the people that cut right in front of you and expect you to throw on your brakes to save their asses. Man, I wish it wasnt such a hassle to get cars fixed after an accident, because if it wasnt I would totally nail every jackass who did that to me. What's even more annoying is driving with these people, because it's like a roller coaster without the safety equipment: not fun at all.

Did I mention I own the road? Because I do. If you drive anywhere within 5 miles of my home and see tire trails on the road, chances are they are from me or Tyler Hayes. Because we both own the world and I love nothing better than hearing my tires wailing. I also like to leave my marking wherever I can. Just to certify the fact that I own the road.

My hands smell like "Angel for Men", a perfume they had a Cosco. If you ask me, it doesnt smell like it's for men, it smells like my mom (who loves angel (for women)). So I need to go take a shower to get this womanness off of me.

Oh, and my leg stopped vibrating. Yay.
..lj..


My cat could totally dominate anything on the earth.. except for me.

Dude. I've had way too much pepsi today. And pepsi makes you feel bad when you drink too much of it. Not like coke. I could drink gallons of coke. But I dont feel like talking about how much more superior coke is to pepsi.

I think my body is trying to decide whether to have a sugar high or to just flat out shut down.. Actually, I think it decided to make a hellish combo: sleepiness paired with extreme body heat. I'm sweating and I'm not even doing anything right now and it's like 80 degrees in my room. Not only that, but I'm tired but I cant go to sleep when I'm hot. Only when I'm cold. Something about coldness is comforting.. probably something to do with living in California my whole life.

Speaking of body temperatures, I must say that sometimes I feel that my body likes playing pranks on me. I woke up this morning freezing-ass-cold because I only had one cover on but my fan was on full blast and my window was open, making a combo of 60 degree air blowing all over my body through the thin cover. So I reached over and pulled on my comforter and in about 10 seconds I was nice and toasty. At that moment I was absolutely content and I wanted to fall back asleep for another hour or so, but guess what? My alarm clock read 5:40 - ten minutes before my alarm would go off to wake me up. I mean.. how does my body pick TEN LOUSY MINUTES BEFORE I HAVE TO WAKE UP to make me comfortable????

Nevertheless, I dressed up quite well today, with two layers of shirts and pants, and to my extreme amazement there were clouds covering the sun all day. I h8 the sun and love anything that is anything close to rain, and today was pretty damn close (there was even that damn humidity that I love but nobody else appreciates). So I wasnt hot all day, but quite cozy. I <3 being cozy.

Oh. My body had another little surprise for me today. My left thigh has decided to start spazzing out about every half hour. But this is a weird kind of spasm, it feels like the pockets of my pants are rumbling, rather than the rapid, pointless movement that is most spasms. Convieniently enough, my left pant pocket happens to be where I ALWAYS keep my cell phone. Sooooo all day I was reaching into my pocket checking my cell since I continually thought it was vibrating but it was really my thigh. How annoying.

Man. This is what I get for malnutrition. I'm gonna have to cut back on the top ramen. Seeyaall.
..lj..

Hi.

I'm lucky I even made it home!
Bye.
..lj..

Hay.

You know I used to call that out all the time to my parents and they'd always yell back "hay's for horses Brian!". Man, I got grammar lessons early on.. how 1337 is that?

In a sudden change of pace I got up and went to the Brea mall today rather than the so-much-cooler spectrum. Oh well, I still got me some t-shirts, which I somewhat need. I was talking with my mom on the way back home about what's going to happen when I'm in college. She asked me "how often are you going to visit me?". I thought I was being somewhat reasonable when I said "ohh.. about once every month" and she totally exploded. There was blood and guts everywhere!!



Well.. actually blood was only coming out of her eyes and nose. After she got out of shock though, she told me that 12 times a year was totally unexceptable. I caught myself before saying "what are you gonna do about it?", but it leads me to ponder what the hell she would do about it? I just ended it by telling her that she should come and visit me. Then again that might not be the best idea depending on what kind of collegeboy I turn into.

Actually, something she did say made me laugh. We were on the subject of leaving for college still and she said "Well maybe I should just stop talking to you now so it doesnt hurt so much when you leave!" I laughed with her and immediately told her that this is the exact controversy that goes on in my mind nowadays. Leaving my friends (and might I say, family) at Troy is going to be damn hard, but I've gone through that before.

So I got home and finished the movie I was watching for today, the Bourne Identity. I dont know why people think it sucks so much. It's choreography wasnt excellent, and the car chase scene didnt really get my blood pumping (although the song that went along with the chase was excellente), but the excellent storyline makes up for it all. I wanna see the "Supremacy" now, but I think I'll end up waiting till it comes out on TiVO before watching it. After all, I'm a biggie on free things.

Yeah, so after that I sat down on my bed and realized I got 150 pages of American History to read. I must say I somewhat regret not taking more initiative at getting in that damn class earlier. (for those of you who dont know, I was misplaced in another class and took my time getting a schedule change) I have come to a new conclusion about school: I hate it. Man I despise homework, even though I dont devote alot of thought to it. I'd rather be doing a thousand other things.

Speaking of which, hehe, I actually meant to come online sometime this weekend and catch up with my e-buddies.. but for once in my lifetime I physically could not go online because my weekend has been so busy. That's really cool because I like being busy.

Speaking of e-buddies, those damn slackers known as UC College Students still havent started school. What lucky punks. I wanna trade them places for a couple of days. Last week was bad enough with 4 days of school, I'd rather not know what 5 days is like.

Holy shizznuts. It's 9:08. Eight minutes past my bedtime! I gotta get up damn early (~5:30) tommorow so I can have time to stop by a gas station and refill my poor car. I'll think of something more creative and crazy to write tommorow.
..lj..

Man this'll be a long entry.

I'll start with the crap that noone cares about, my day:
It pretty much existed in three parts. It's like it's been three different days. Only it hasnt. The first part involved me in school where I did pretty much the stuff I always do: talk to friends, walk around, and practically fall asleep.
The second part involved pretty much from 12 to 4, when I went to Cal State Fullerton and watched the MTV show called "made" where they took this TOTAL dweeb and made him actually really cool looking and acting. I had like four huge glasses of coke because the guy behind the pizza hut stand gave me free refills (a privelidge I very much abused, seeing as how the drink only cost $1.25 and I drank like a gallon of the stuff). After that I came back to troy with a full glass of coke and did my typical talk-all-6th-period-and-piss-people-that-are-trying-to-work-like-kester-off thing that I love doing. I pretty much came away from it all pretty optimistic.. because my broad world of friendships and relationships looks a little brighter, and that's a great way to end the week.
The last part involved me driving frank all around the county. First over to Tyler Olsen's house, then to the movie theatres to see Resident Evil II (very good movie, albeit scary), to Troy to play some basketball until the sun set, and to in-n-out for dinner. My driving during this time was horrendous. I scared myself it was so bad, I cant imagine how Frank felt, strapped in my front seat. Nevertheless, he did his job of keeping my tired soul awake and reminding me that several lights were red and that I better stop. (BTW, sorry about that Frank, hopefully you'll dare to get in my car again) There's something totally unique about hanging out with a gigantic group of white guys that you dont get with asian guys.. they're so loud and obnoxious. Some times that's really really fun and relieving.. because for the most part that's what I am.

Ya. Anyhow. I've discovered an answer to the little riddle-thingy I posed yesterday. Apparently when couples walk, the guy is almost always on the left. Out of 8 couples I saw, 7 of the guys walked on the right and one looked like he was just meeting up with the girl. I know I naturally walk on the right, but I honestly dont know why. I guess the thing now is not so much what people do, but why they do it.

You know what is totally gay about modern hollywood movies? The sappy, all-to-predictable endings. I'm so used to turning off movies before they're completely done (because I cant stand the sappiness) that I almost missed the huge twist in "Red Dragon", which I watched yesterday. When I thought that the villian was dead and everyone was happy, I was about to shut the thing off, luckily I accidentally fast-forwarded and discovered an extra half hour of action in the movie. I think more movies should do Quentin Tarantino style stuff where everybody dies and there's no "You know what I learned about all this?" at the end of movies, which consistently makes me either cough up my favorite word: bullshit, or shut the damn thing off, lest the sappiness rub off on my allready sappy life.

You know what I wanna do desperately right now? I wanna dance. We should have school dances more often. Shit, people would pay, and ASB would make some crazy money. It's not even the tickets, at morP they were selling water for like 3 bucks and people were still buying them because there was no free water. That's serious profit.. although I think it's somewhat illegal to deny water on public grounds. Anyhow, dancing is good, it feels good, it clears my mind, it makes me happy. I wanna do it again, but I must wait another month for homecoming goshdarnit. That's so long. And then from homecoming its another 3 months until Winter Formal. That's absolutely rediculous.

Even more rediculous are the people coming up to me saying I'm a crazy dancer. I'm not. I just move my body because that's what you're supposed to do. Troy Austria is a crazy dancer, fo' sho'. Not me. The only reason people say that is because I'm white and it's extremely easy to freak with white girls because they're all so sluttish and therefore I look a bit better that the asians on a date-less dance floor. Nothing more.

Shoot. If I was in ASB I would hold some serious dances. Who did we elect again? How come they're not doing anything? I know the guy I voted for would have done something (whoever that was =P)

So. This weekend is gonna be boring. I'm going to spend some time watching movies at Tyler Hayes' place, then I'll watch some movies at my place, then I'll go to sleep, then I'll do some yardwork, then some homework, and I'll have another 8 hours to burn. Guess I might actually come online. But dont hold me to that.

Our ASB sucks.
[[james]][[rox]]

Life has been progressively been getting better as I fit my big ass into my new schedule (ass is my new favorite word btw). As Byron so friendly put today "You dont have any classes with anyone! Do you even go here?". Yea, I'm lucky if I have one friend in any of my classes. But hey, get to meet new people. Yay *rolls eyes*.

However, I can really work with this ending-at-lunch thing. I mean its SO damn great to just go up to 4th period, right when I'm starting to get bored with school, and then walk over to cal state and do stuff.

And Cal State is the greatest for a relatively new interest of mine: behaviors. It's great because college is full of the people that define the human condition: young adults. They party, rabidly engage in sexual acts, do copious amounts of drugs and work at sleezy jobs. God I cant wait. Anyhow, my general experience over there (when I'm not doing homework or studying) involves alot of eavesdropping and just watching people. It's alot like being at the mall, because you see people coming and going and socializing and behavior becomes something you just naturally notice for once.

You dont normally notice, purely for example, which side the guy walks on when a couple is walking together. But when you just sit and watch, trends start to appear. Another example: when you have a group of three people, one person tends to seem left out while the other two avidly talk. There's also the fact that when you have a group of people more than five, group discussions start arising, and everybody takes part in it.

Forgive me, but humans just really intrigue me. If I could ever actually understand them completely it would be unbelievably awesome. So anyhow, that's why I like hanging around after school. I like watching people, talking to them, all that stuff. At least until I get a new obsession.
luv.james
I do have a burning question which I somewhat breezed over up there: Does anybody think there's a pattern in the formation that people walk? Like is the person on the left typically the "dominant" one? Or is it a matter of left-handedness? or is it just simply coincidence? I'm gonna look into this one.

Here's my senior photo, scanned a-la-jo style. It's pretty good, something I wouldnt mind hanging in my bedroom 40 years from now. Heh.

You know what pisses me off a hella lot? Having to get up.

It's really the root of all my problems. I hate it when my brother runs around in my bedroom flicking me off, but it's not necessarily the insult that I hate, it's the fact that I have to get up so that I can beat the living crap out of him. =P

My parents are always asking me to do it too. They want me to do the dishes, so I gotta get up to go do that. Then I gotta get up for dinner or to go get dinner. Rawr. Even at school. I have to get up to go to the cafeteria with my friends and I have to get up to let a friend have her book and I have to get up to make room for one of my man-lovers. Jeese. It's a never ending cycle. My ass is gonna fall off.

This entry is a joke,
luv.james

I'm making this journal take a spin towards it's old style: more theory. Because while some people might be interested in what I do every day, the bigger majority of them would rather read of my thoughts on life in general rather than my boring personal ecounters in life.

From time to time I walk down campus halls and recognize people, but I'll have no clue what their name is. I have a distinct memory of them, their personality and face to match it, but no idea of a name. I remember a couple of times where I've met people and talked day in and out with them for a week or so until I am suddenly inclined to ask "I never got your name! What is it?". But who really cares? The best friendships are nameless.

To me a name isnt a big deal at all. I love "James" so much because its just plain and easy. I'd hope that when people think of me, theay have to go a little deeper than my name. I would hope their mind has to do something like this:
"James? Which one? There are so many of them. OH! I remember his face, that's the guy who was at that party last week. He's a cool person!".
I would hate having a really unique name like "Jaque" or something because it leads people to not judge you as a person but as a name in their mind. It's not something they can really control. I mean, the moment you think of "Jaque" you think "french" (at least I do) - so you are allready judging this person based on his/her race.

Case and point: names are overrated and "James" is a badass name.
luv.james

I've said it before, but I really love some songs because they have such good memories imprinted in my mind with them. "Blue and Yellow" by the Used is one such example. I remember flying on my motorcycle across the ridges of huge dirt mountains out in the desert with the wind blowing in my face and just.. beauty.. surrounding me and this song was blasting into my ears. I treasure this song as a memory of carelessness.

The dinner or movie or trip to the mall today doesnt matter at all. What matters is that a friend knows me just a bit better, that he can relate, and hopefully be able to judge me better in the future.

Honestly, right now in my immature teenage world, that's all that matters.

Not much to say. New thingy:

See ya,
luv.james

So I worked today. I helped wash the motorhome (not an easy job), cleared weeds and crap out of a good portion of my yard, and did a little work on my car and schoolwork and a few random other things. None of this stuff is too bad provided I have some good music in my ears, which I do/did.

Not alot to say otherwise. For those reading this that are in AP stats I used my super-programmer skills to write a JScript application to automatically generate the results for the 100 greed games here. I also started learning how to use a really cool program called Terragen to make this image:

Of course, that image is not pic of anything natural, but just a virtual world I made.

Err. I feel like making a friends-only entry. Havnt done that in awhile. But I'm goin to watch Cold Mountain right now, so maybe tommorow.
luv.james

Stupid me. I was probably just sad because I was tired. I came home and took a nap before morP. I <3 dancing with a passion. I'm really happy right now.

See ya all,
luv.james.

I said no post today. I lied. Shows a little about my honesty =D

So anyhow, today I was TIRED. Yesterday I should have been (having only gotten ~3 hours of sleep) but it all wore off on me today. I need to get some sleep this weekend.

What really depresses me about my new schedule is how separated I am from my friends from last year. I walked across campus three or four times today alone, because all my classes are in the 500 and 1000 buildings, and nobody else but freshman and sophomores and some psuedo-friend seniors are out there with me. This is without a doubt the gayest crap ever. I cant believe I dont have at least one class with, say Calvin or Tyler.

But maybe I'm just counting my rotten eggs before they dont hatch. Things'll probably turn out fine and I'm just sad now because I think that I'll loose friends or whatever and because I havnt had quality time with those I wish I had it with.

MORP is tonight. Good. I need to dance. And show off my radical, cool-cat shirt (it is seriously the shit. you dont come, you're gonna miss out).
luv.james

Whew. I got WAY to much sleep on vacation. I wasnt tired last night until 3 AM (hehe, <3 that song) and when I fell asleep it felt like I didnt at all because a moment later my clock rung (@ 6 AM) and I woke up.. not tired or anything! So there's the cure for the sleep deprived: a trip to the sierras.

Errr. I came up with a cutesy little idea to help document this summer, which has been by far the best and most eventful of my high school career. I want to commemorate the events that particularly stick out in my mind that happened this summer, and list the people involved who made the events so great. So here it is, in order by time:
-A trip to JR Lunesco's place in Walnut with Tyler Hayes and from there to Frank and Sons and then to get lunch/boba at puente hills mall.
-A secret adventure (my parents still dont know about this one, and would shit a brick if they ever figured out) involving me driving over to Long Beach to pick up Calvin Ardi and Alex Lee so we could go order dinner in the blackpeople-filled slums. We also watched pulp fiction and I enjoyed an hour and a half long trip home over various freeways to loud techno at 12 AM
-A movie outing with Frank Chen, Natty Dang, Steve Xiang and a couple of others after a week of internship.
-A roadtrip to the beach, then to Rolling Heights, then to Chino Hills, then back to my place with Tyler Hayes, finishing in an outing at my local cyber cafe with him, Tyler Olson, and one of his friends.
-An absolutely fabulous (and expensive) night spent mostly at Puente Hills eating at the expensive japanese buffet Todai with.. Calvin Ardi, Justin Sunu, Derek Lock, Frank Chen, Jon Liu, Huong ???, Krista ???, Margie ???, and a couple of others. Ended at Huntington beach somehow, on a really nice afternoon. Would have been really romantic.. hehe.
-A blossoming friendship with Diane Abapo which led us to explore Northern OC for an afternoon.
-A meaningful lunch with Calvin Ardi in Walnut at some really good indonesian food (gave me a new respect for peanut butter!)
-A beach outing with Tyler Hayes and a couple of out-of-state friends which highlighted in the 2 hours spent looking for a parking place, only an hour spent on the beach, and an hour more spent sipping boba from a tapioca express with a hot hot hot chick workin the counter. Also played with airsoft guns and watched Saving Private Ryan that night.
-An afternoon spent driving around passing out brochures for a concert with Natty Dang.
-An awesome getogether with Calvin Ardi, Jo Lee, Sam Cho, and Dmitriy Filchenko which involved CSUF and the mall essentially.
-A birthday party held for Natty Dang which reminded me of my love for dancing and allowed me to meet old friend Ravi Trivedi and make friends with Joel Agalsoft and Rohan ???.
-A beach outing after Orientation where I got to know a bunch of people, put simply enough.
And while this is mostly a listing for myself, I feel it appropriate to post it in my journal and thank each person who's name was mentioned a thousand thanks for making my life during summer bearable.

I'm now back at school, and as I expected I'm forced into a bunch of new climates. The only really hard class is AP Biology, which will hopefullly be fun because of the people in the class and the teacher. Other than that I find myself once again learning how to make friend because I know practically noone in any of my classes.

Despite all that, when I swaggered home I realized that I feel strangely at peace with the world. It's treating me good right now, and I got no beef with it. Before I go I feel I must state for my subscribers that an entry will not be existent tommorow due to an extremely busy schedule.

Write to you all Saturday (still need to think of something crazy to do over the weekend. going with Tyler and posse to see Resident Evil II but I want to do more! beach anyone?),
luv.james

I've come back in one peice, with not a scratch on me besides this really annoying bump on my back (wtf??). I must say that while the fresh air, tall trees, and overall peacefulness of the Sierras was great, the one thing I had most fun with was my motorcycle. I havnt ridden it in sooo long, and I must say that I smiled every second I rode it, and laughed out loud everytime I came around a bend and nailed the throttle, producing a spray of rocks and dirt as well as a beastly sound that provoked me often to yell out to the world "I OWN YOU!!". Of course, I was only giddy like that when I rode by myself. =D

The second day out there I came up to my mom and said "you know school starts on thursday, right?", which she apparently didnt. So we got into a huge argument as to whether we should come back early for me to go to school or not. Here's how much of a nut I am: I was actually fighting to go BACK to school. I mean, come on. Kids should not have to do something like that, but there I was, desperately trying to convince my mom and dad to go back a day early so I wouldnt miss the first day of school.

So why do I want to go back to school?
-I want to drive my race car-accord :wink wink: which I've been deprived of for over a week.
-I long for social interaction, which I've also been deprived of for over a week (its not normally "fun" to engage in conversations with my family..sometimes, but most of the time no)
-I need to claim my schedule and seats in my classes and then bitch about how the counselors got everything wrong.
-There's a three day weekend coming up, and Imma gonna do something fun and crazy (like the beach =P)

And, well, that's about it. I hope everyone stupid enough to go for full IB has had enormous fun completing their IB essays, I'm gonna catch up with some journals, the automotive world, and the musical world, and then I'm going to eat dinner, take a shower (I smell BAD, so maybe I'll do this now), watch a movie, and consume half a liter of de-carbonated coke that's been sitting in the fridge for a week.

See ya all,
luv.james

Sudden inspiration leads me to write at 6:42 PM:

Alot of people sit in their houses thinking "what can I do to be great? How can I actually make a difference in this world?". A long time ago I might have said that someday I'd be the new Bill Gates or whatever, but I must not flatter myself: chances are against me that I'll ever amount to something that people will tell their children about. You know what, that doesnt matter in the least to me, though.

My everyday life is so completely boring and typical, I dont even need to state it. I'll tell you that I fret with relationships, meet friends, hang out at the beach, all that stuff. The stuff that everyone does. I'm not out of the ordinary, because I dont feel any need to be that way.

What makes me special is my mind. The extraordinary range of emotions that flow through my body and the wonderful people that make me who I am. I realize that nobody wants to read about how I went to the beach or how I talked to my mother about such and such, and I never write about it.

Rather, I write about the one precedent I set in this world. My thoughts and emotions are the only real new things that I can ever bring forth into this world, and for that alone I am glad. I need not search out a life of stardom or political greatness, for this log of unbiased feeling in itself imprints my existence for the rest of time.

With that I'm left wondering if I sound arrogant. Because I'm not intending on being that way. I just want everybody who wants to to be able to understand me.