Whenever my online journal is brought up in a conversation not online, I get one of three responses from my friends:
(1) The nice, cool people will always say "Oh, your journal is the best!" or mention something they liked about a recent entry.
(2) The somewhat oblivious ones will go "I didnt know you had one! Let's swap addresses!".
(3) The ignorant ones will retort "Why the hell would you have an online journal? Nobody reads it anyhow! Nobody cares about you!"

I post today regarding those third ignorant fools who just cant seem to grasp the greatness of what this nifty little blogger can do for me and other people.

Unless you're one of those totally expressive people who can talk truthfully and completely at every moment of the day to everyone, and almost nobody is, you've got to have an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. I admire people that keep private journals and whatever else, that's fine. I do it to, I just choose to supplement private entries with public ones. What I dont get is people who go about jamming their fingers in every orifice they possess:

and refusing to express themselves. In the process of doing so, they deny themselves any personality whatsoever and then they wonder why they have no friends. A person who cannot let out his or her feelings is not a person at all, but just a worker: existent only to continue their own existence.

Of course, there arent many soulless people around either. Most of the people who say that online journals are gay are just horrible hippocrites. They detest blogs, only to turn around and post their feelings and opinions in a forum or over AIM. That's really standing by your conviction.

.eljay

Hey black people, I'm back.

You know, I left on thanksgiving saying I was going to have fun. I was wrong. I did more than had fun. I relaxed, I played, I laughed, I worked out, I froze, I got sick again, I did it all. In the end, it was really fun I guess, but having fun wasnt the great part about it.

I'm glad nevertheless to be back in the big Orange. County, that is. It's about 20 degrees warmer here and the wind is blowing about 40 mph less. On the long trip back I was stuck on a single philosophical notion: You know those instances where, say, a band you like alot becomes really popular, or when you know something in math class allready and the teacher teaches it and you just want to yell out to the world "I liked that band/knew that allready!"? What is that? Why do we feel such an urge even though we know that in the long run it doesnt matter what we know or liked or what precedence we set because we are just lowly individuals who cant have any real effect on civilization.

Maybe its the fact that we feel like we have made a difference in the world. We feel like, for example, we told the world to like this band when nobody else did, and now everybody does. We feel like we started the trend, and now that millions love the band, we have made a difference in the world. Or maybe its just pride in being right, because everybody has that. Maybe it's one of those things where you can point your finger in somebodies face and tell you "haha, I told you so"; only in this case nobody really cares.

That's what's so funny about these little things that happen to us. All of a sudden something we though was our own, a passion for a band or knowledge of a math problem, becomes a universal fact: everyone likes it. All of a sudden, we are less individual, and nobody gives a shit.

The more you think about it, the more depressing it becomes. This has got to be one of lifes little tragedies: the loss of the individual spirit.

Maybe maturity is letting go of things. Maybe its the ability to go to work every day and not let that get you down. Maybe it's doing your own chores not because someone asked you to, but because it needs to be done and you really dont care whether or not you do it. Maybe it's letting go of your friends and just letting things happen as they do. Yeah. That's what it is. Maturity is the movement out of philosophy into the real world.

Or maybe it's the ability to separate things from places where they belong and where they dont. I'm so tired of opening up journals or hearing people gush over how they love their boyfriends/girlfriends so much. Well, I'm not so much tired of seeing/hearing these things so much as I am disgusted by the blatant immaturity of them. I love my friends just as much as anybody loves their girlfriends/boyfriends, but you dont hear me gushing about it. Love is one of those things that is best kept to yourself: dont say it, just do it. "I love you" means nothing if you turn around and slap someone up, everyone knows that. Sure, I love people, but nobody is ever going to know who I love because it doesnt matter.

Me? I'm immature. Dont go down on me for what I write.

Anyhow, I got this vague sense today that I no longer care what happens to me. I wanted two things coming into this year, one I've gotten and the other is to get into a good college, which is pretty much out of my control right now, as I've submitted all my apps. I'm in everything just for the ride from now on.

Speaking of the ride, I'm off to go riding. I'll be having alot of fun, I hope you guys do to.
.eljay

So tuesday night around 9:00 calls me up and tells me that I can go to a Green Day concert at the Long Beach arena for free,
Of course, I want to, but first I have to convince my parents. Imagine asking your parents as they're going to bed (and you wont see them at all tommorow till 8PM) "hey mom, dad, can I go to a concert tommorow till around 1:00AM in the middle of downtown long beach? It took some serious convincing, but I got my parents to let me go. So yesterday I show up at Tyler Olsens house and we drive down the overly crouded 22 freeway to the Long Beach Arena, which is really near the aquarium.

Long Beach is such a bipolar city. One minute you're driving through the worst slums imaginable (well, maybe not as bad as LA) and then, all of a sudden you're at a place called "City Block" or something that looks exactly like downtown Seattle and all of a sudden you have no clue where the hell you are. (I seriously for a moment thought I was up in Washington when we shot out into the City Block). Me and my white bro's were laughing because while we were driving through the slums looking for food, there was actually a bunch of signs that pointed out how to get to a McDonalds. I mean, these were complex directions, and this McDonalds was sitting in the middle of nowhere. It was especially funny because there was a gigantic billboard that said "McDonalds HERE!" hehe. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, we got to the concert 20 minutes late, and had to wait in lines for about another 15 minutes. After we finally had gotten in, we learned we had missed the opening band, sugarcult (a real shame), and new found glory was playing. You know, I was severly disappointed by nfg's performance. They were ohhhhkayy... but half the time you couldnt even hear the singer and if I didnt know their songs so well, I wouldnt have liked it at all.

Then there was a half hour break. Then Green Day came onstage and made up for all the suckiness and waiting. Man they were good. I only knew three of the thirteen songs they played, but I was still yelling at the top of my lungs in shrill joy. They have some serious stage skill, and they are really good at getting the audience involved. What was really cool was they left the stage at around 11:00 and left me all depressed because they didnt play "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" (my favorite song of theirs) but then the audience started calling out "GREEN DAY...GREEN DAY" and they ran out and pumped "Boulevard..." out. It was awesome. Then they followed it up by playing "We Are the Champions", which is a Queen song, but still cool because everyone knows it.

After the concert we tried to get out as fast as we could, but utterly failed because there were thousands (literally) of people and we were on the uppermost parking structure. So we ended up wasting an hour just waiting for the line of cars to clear. Pretty insane. I'll see if I can get pictures from Tyler O in the near future.


This entire week has been overly weird for me. As has last week. Aside from the various colds (3 of them in two weeks? WTF?), I've suffered through some cronic sleeping disease last week where I was restless and grumpy during the day. I didnt really complain then because I didnt want sympathy, but I still dont know what caused whatever that shit was. This week I get yet another cold (I've only had about 5 days in the past month where I wasnt sick). Fortunately, I've figured out how to deal with these bastardous diseases: lots of orange juice. All this isnt to mention the fact that I randomly get asked to a concert and have a day that seems to not end (tuesday->wednesday) because I fall to sleep so late, and the fact that school is ending early, yet today still seems like a friday.

To make stuff a little more weird and confusing, I feel like I've lost alot of the control I might have once had on my friendships. It seems like alot of my older, getting-boring friends "came back" to me this week, in a matter of putting it. All of a sudden I'm having fluent conversations with these people that I could barely talk to a month ago because of our differences. Weird weird weird.

new.favorite.word:cuntnugget.
.eljay

One of my favorite teachers of all time had it right - he told it to us the first day of school:
"I want you guys to pay attention to me in class. All of this stuff on the screen is available as a powerpoint on my website, so you need not write it down".
God, if only all teachers were as wise as this one man. Alas, I thought I had seen the last of teachers forcing/urging me to take notes in middle school, but I guess I'm still considered immature as a senior. I have two teachers this very year who get right in my face and say "Make sure you guys are writing this down". Although they dont refer directly to me, they look right into my eyes as they say it, because I happen to like paying attention in class rather than taking notes. Of course, I really have no choice but to comply, because both of these teachers enforce the "participation point" system and are therefore enabled to reduce my grade if they dont feel like liking me.

Then there's this other teacher of mine that makes notes part of the homework. God, I feel like I'm in kindergarten, with my fat teacher saying "OK kids, lets make sure you are good and organized and take notes on George Washington so you can turn them in next week". Under no circumstances should copying something off of a board be considered a gradeable activity. Period. I understand some people need to take notes because they study, that's fine. I'm not like that, I pay my teachers (at least the ones that are willing) avid attention and I let them *surprise* teach me. And when test day comes, all I have to do is look over a couple of minute details in the textbook and I'm ready.

Speaking of tests, I just dont understand how I can get a better grade on a Government test that I knew nothing (I'm not even joking) about and expected at most a 'C' than I get on a simple math test covering topics that I knew last year. I think my math teacher can argue all he wants about how he "taught us all this" and how we had specific examples in class that are exact replicas of those on the test, but in the end when the scores in a troy class reflect a bell curve, something is seriously wrong. I dont think teachers should get away with being excessively stringent in their grading. It's really not fair. What happened to fairness?


If I could do anything in the world, you know what I would want to do? I would want to know what people are thinking after just staring at them for 10 minutes, give or take a few. (Without their knowledge, of course) I want to know what people are feeling without having to ask them, because they always always always lie. Besides, I think there is something deeper and more revealing about the more subtle things we do that actually tells what we are feeling like. For example if I'm covering up sadness with a smile, I might drag my feet without my conscious knowledge. If I could notice all the small details like that and analyze emotions spontaneously (and accurately), that would be truly awesome. Although I can make educated guesses about people right now, they are sometimes wrong, so I am therefore never entirely certain about what I think about other people.

This may be stretching it, but the place I primarily see this passive insight that is most similar to my own right now is in the survey like the one I did yesterday that has gone through 3 of my friends journals. I'm almost certain that some of the people who read this know exactly who they are on my list of friends (btw, I felt really stupid writing without names. I almost feel like telling them), but they are not sure enough of themselves to say it. It can apply to me to, I'm pretty damn sure where I fall on some of my friends' lists, (by looking at myself through their eyes) but I'm sure not going to say where I think that is, because I might ...might...might be wrong, with an emphasis on the slightness of that "might". I want to know for sure.

for sure.
.eljay

This weekend has been pretty busy. I'm really happy because the workers have finally put together the driveway for my house, so I dont have to walk all the way up from the cul-de-sac everyday (it's a lot longer of a walk than it sounds, like 200 ft, which is really bad in the cold mornings). Now that our yard is taking some shape, I can tell that it actually is going to turn out beautifully. I quite honestly couldnt comprehend the plans that my parents had some engineer draw up for us, but in real life it nevertheless looks beautiful. Once we get the planterbeds installed and whatnot, I'll take some pictures and post them along with pictures of what it used to look like.

Aside from yardwork, I've put a considerable amount of time into cleaning my car, as I do nearly every weekend, only to have it be rained on this morning and now it just looks so-so. You gotta give up on some things, though, so I dont really mind. I also had to work on the oil system in my motorcycle, and my hands kinda hurt right now from working with carbuerator cleaner (a really strong chemical like gas you use to clean oil and grime out of metal), but after I got to ride it for the first time in a couple of weeks up and down the driveway, I'm happy. My motorcycle is so ungodly fast its not even funny. I mean, it weighs less than a thousand pounds and puts out roughly 3/4's of my cars power (my car weights about 4000 lbs) Anyhow, I'm really looking forward to going out to the desert to ride next weekend.

Speaking of which, a friend of my dads called in from the desert this morning after it rained and apparently there was a blizzard hitting out there as our rainstorm was ending. That's not unbelievable, as there was actually snow this morning on the top of Anaheim Hills and some the water in our yard was frozen (it was friggin cold out here). That is not only interesting and intriguing (I hope it snows when I'm out there), it's a good sign; because as I've said before, snow=wet dirt=the best motorcycle riding conditions.

Anyhow, I dont got much to write about, as you can all see.
..lj..

I've spent too much time looking for love,
Even more trying to make myself someone I'm not,
I'd make believe just because,
Well, some things just arent tangible,

But I never made it,
Everyone fakes these things,
It never seems to work on this side of the room,
And so I keep drifting,

I guess I'm prone to failure,
I'm so used to it,
But you guide me in the right direction,
All I ever needed was to be needed.

Faithfulness is one of those traits that I see as nearly godly. It's one of the oddest things, because I dont think I've found a person besides my family that I could call "faithful". None of my friends are faithful, no matter how much they love me/I love them. I can be laughing with somebody today and tommorow they'll decide that they're no longer interested in my friendship.

My friends make it even harder by hiding what they feel towards me. They never make themselves blatantly obvious, and I'm forced to speculate, but speculation can only go so far. I really wish more people were as forthcoming as I am, and I'm not bragging. I let everyone know exactly what I feel about them. If I act like I'm interested toward you, you're probably a valued friend to me, whereas if I dont even look you in the eyes when you're talking, you're probably just a casual toy for me, as bad as it might sound.

Interestingly enough, I define my own friendship through my eye contact, but most people dont. I have too many friends who I consider very close that seem like they're never paying attention to me. Pretty stupid.

I'm kinda teetering off topic, though. I really want to know what it feels like to be in a stable relationship with a person that I consider 'faithful'. I've experienced it through pets, like from my cat, but that kind of unconditional love doesnt seem to flow from most humans, no matter how close I get to know them or how long I've known them. Granted, I'm not expecting someone to love me after I've killed their mother, but I've never been friends with a person where I can garuntee that every day I see them I know without a doubt that they feel towards me what I feel towards them.

In the end, I dont think I'll ever see this from a guy. Guys are different from girls in that bisexual relationships are all-important. When a guy gets a girlfriend, noone else really comes close, which is really gay for all his friends, but I cant blame him, because I've done/do it too. I guess the only time I'm ever gonna feel secure with a person is when I get married. Pretty gay.
..lj..

Life is as easy as the click of a mouse.
You gotta wonder sometimes if life is cyclic: If we're only living to continue our existence. It seems like human existence has been on a gigantic slide, always moving toward boring order, and we as a society are getting dangerously close. You know what I mean? Naw, probably not.

If it wasnt my life, I'd think it was funny how randomly money comes in to me. It seems that whenever I have figured out how I'm going to save the last tidbit of my money for a couple of events, someone calls and offers me more money. Today my dad asks me to write an official invoice for the website/database that I wrote a couple of months ago, so I'm finally gonna get the $400 he owes me, and Mrs. Hayes also calls and wants me to tutor her daughter again. That's another thing, I dont like working for people I like as much as I like the Hayes'.. it seems like an employer-employee relationship is kind of degrading.

I also got my report card today. It's pretty damn good, considering the calculated GPA is a full .5 higher than my high school GPA. *sigh* if only colleges took senior year seriously. It's ok, though. I guess the trust/respect I get from my parents is good enough.

Aside from that, I'm really busy. bye.
..lj..

You'd think that people would, given time, realize that the non-comformity movement was getting old. Maybe they'd start getting their sense of style back, maybe patch up a couple of holes in their body. Maybe stop trying to get other people to feel sorry for them or using eyeshadow obsessively to look like they dont get sleep.

But no, they just dont get it. It's gotten so bad that nowadays being noncomformist is basically conforming. Really smart.

I remember having a crush on this really hot white chick last year who had long blond hair and blue eyes. She could have had any guy she wanted, probably saved herself from depression or whatever else, but no. You know what she does? She cuts all her hair off and decides that she likes wearing sunglasses that I laugh at my grandma for wearing. Excuse my french, but what the fucking hell? I'll admit right now that I'm not the most suave guy on campus (at least not this year), but I do pride myself in a decent sense of style, and I guess I havnt heard it yet, but apparently ugliness is the newest fad. That'll be something I'm not gonna partake in.

Anyhow, nonconformity is cool with me because, since everybody else is nonconforming, my own conformity makes me feel real special. I feel like everybody is giving me a gift! Yay. thanks everyone!

..lj..

I have this really weird code in my life: to live each day different from the last.

Not to be contradictory, but in the small things of life, I love change. I like eating out at a different restaurante every day and traveling a different route to school and listening to different music at different volumes and talking to different people and just surprising myself each and every day.

Of course, I do not wish you to mistake this notion for the fact that I also want stability in the more rooted aspects of my life: I deeply need a stable relationship, a constant source of income and food and shelter, and friends that I can rely on day in a day out.

But in general I like looking back at last week and saying "wow, I've learned alot in the last week and I'm so incredibly different from what I was then!". I guess you could attribute it to alot of things, like my love of learning or my love for my friends, who certainly dont want a boring me slouching around. I'm just really happy right now that my life is so filled with variety. Each day comes and goes and I no longer know what I can expect of tommorow, except that my friends and family will still be there, and that I'll be getting one step at a time closer to alot of things I feel almost undeserving of.

Awww.. forget it. I feel like I have something in my head, but for right now I just cant get it out exactly right. Anyhow, I finished all my apps today, so yay. Dont have to worry about that anymore.

..lj..

So yeah, it felt like I was reliving friday today. I even call this weeks wednesday "friday" before I think about what I'm saying. Today was really really long. But I got some stuff to say:

I went to the Body Worlds exhibit at the California Science Center in LA as part of a field trip, so that's why I was gone, for those of you wondering. Basically this exhibit is the explotation of human corpses for the advancement of knowledge and whatever. What they do is infuse plastic into the cells of real human corpses so that they can mold the bodies any way they want and they will stay that way forever and not smell or anything. So I went to see a bunch of dead people, with their skin stripped away, often times their muscles too. It was weird, because I got this vague nostalgia of looking at a stripped down internal combustion engine while I was looking at all the bodies, because I was really just seeing how everything worked, and engines is what reminds me of that.

I guess alot of people will tell you that going to see this would de-glorify the human condition or whatever, make light of the fact that we're all just a bunch of organs and a brain. But it kind of had the reverse effect on me: I saw humans as glorified by this exhibit. It's almost like "Wow! our bodies are like a billion times more complex than anything we can comprehend, I guess humans arnt so simple after all".. of course it wasnt really like that, just somewhere near there. I laughed at a bunch of my friends because they were running around saying "I know these bodies are real, but I just cant believe my eyes" and they were really enthusiastic about it and all, but I just couldnt get all hyped up about it. It was fun/cool to see what I'm made of, but it wasnt really that enlightening nor unbelievable.

This afternoon was really funny/ironic/enjoyable. I stopped by Tyler Olsens house before coming home to play a little halo 2. I thought it wasnt as great as it was hyped up to be. Then I stepped on my throttle and sped home my favorite way: over a street called Serrano, which basically goes over a mountain ridge for about 10 miles without any lights, which is both fast and fun. The experience was bolstered by the fact that I've found an extremely good new album for those of you who like pop-rock: "mmhmm" by reliant k.

Anyhow, you have to understand that I had called my dad at 5:00 and asked him if he was going out to dinner and if I should bother coming home. He told me that I shouldnt because he was going out right now. So I didnt come home till around 6:20. Ironically enough, just as I was pulling up the driveway I see my dad and my brother get in my parents car, so I pull up and ask if I can go with them to dinner. So first of all, I got dinner even though I didnt expect it. After dinner I was yawning in the parking lot really wanting to go home so I could play nfsu2 and go to sleep because I'm really really really tired and I thought about how sucky it would be if my dad got in his first accident right now because then I'd have to wait even longer. Guess what? My dad pulls up to a stop sign and some lady smashes into our rear end. Of course, only at about 5 mph, but enought to move the steel bumper upwards and cause about $300 worth of damage. So, now I'm a psychic. Rad.

I gots more to say, but I'll do it tommorow.
..lj..

Ever since fun things like burning down schools and launching bottle rockets in public were banned, kids have been forced indoors into perpetual boredom/homework. Now we see the results and we scratch our heads.

Teens nowadays are so bored that they actually start trouble for themselves by arguing with their parents and fighting with their friends just because they have nothing better to do. That's just sad. I hear all the time from my parents about the good old days when the only real violence that went on at school was bullies and those damn nerds, who deserve every beating they get. I hear about how they used to have huge neighborhood baseball games and how they got into all kinds of fun, physical trouble, like cutting limbs off and burning stuff.

But like I said, we're all locked down. Residential areas are squeezing us in, there's barely any parks anymore, and those that do exist are extremely small. I dont even know half of my neighbors, and I dont even give it a second thought.

Instead of running around staying nice and thin, we're confined inside our houses, so we start illlegally downloading music and movies because TV has gotta start getting boring sometime and.... well it all starts falling apart.

Of course, by far the funniest behavior of teenagers is the trouble they get themselves into. Although I know I'm slipping into hippocrisy, I have to laugh at the dumbass teenagers because it seems like they are endlessly fighting among themselves over what "she said the other day" or how "she went out with the guy I liked" or some other stupid thing like that. I could go into how it doesnt even really matter what anybody says or who's going out with whom because it's just high school/college/middle school; but I'll save myself the effort by not.

Maybe I'm not being a hippocrite. Whenever somebody tries to fight with me I just turn my back. There is nothing worth fighting over in our lives now besides love and maybe money, if it even truly exists for us.
..lj..

Well, we get school off tommorow which makes today feel alot like friday. Only we still have to go to school friday. Bitch.

However nerdy it sounds though, I think that today as a friday will make a much better friday than this coming friday will. lol. I went to dinner with some friends, bought practically nothing (a $2 soda and a $3 soup) and still didnt finish it, then went to see the incredibles. Awesome movie. I wont gush and gore over it because that's not my style, but if you havnt seen it, you should.

I went crazy on the drive home. Music blaring, windows down on the freeway at 10:00 at night. Of course, my usual minimum speed of 80 was in action (I was actually on cruise control half the time =D). I never noticed how fun it is to make hand-airplanes when you're going 80. You know, when you stick your hand, palms open, out of the window and rotate your wrist to provide thrust. It's cool at 50, even better at 90mph. Of course, I didnt just do hand-airplanes. When I got back on street roads I steadily toasted my tires and worked my engine. Those of you who are car enthusiasts know that as you progressively wear on tires, they get hotter and stickier, giving progressively better performance. By the end of the run, pulling into my residential area, I was blaring around a right turn at 40, tires squealing ferociously and tachometer bouncing off of 6000 rpm. That is the shit. I havnt worked my car like that for a couple of months. And to be honest, when I got out of it at home, I could hear it sighing relief, because it likes being worked. And I like the odor of roasted tires and brake pads. yeee.

Man, I've never been fooled by any of you fools.

If you even remotely like rock, check out "existentialism on prom night" here by Straylight Run. goood.

..lj..

Shoot. I think I might have regained my sanity. All of a sudden I totally resent school. The only reason I will go to school tommorow is because driving there is fun, and really the only reason that is fun is because I get to listen to music. Music is good. It's really good, let's get that straight.

It's really interesting how my anxieties have really shifted since the senior year began. It used to be that I was really concerned about my grades and whatever, but to be quite honest, right now I could give less than a shit. I'm doing well in school because I went easy on myself this year. I might have alot of (easy) homework, but I dont have to study. Ever. Because my classes dont challenge me in the least. Not that they ever really have.

Rather than worrying about the "b"s on my report card, I worried about getting a job last night. I really need to get a steady flow of income before the little stash that is on my shelf becomes null. It seems everytime I look up there I have a little less money, and it really concerns me. To be honest, I've been trying pretty hard to get a job, but it seems that no matter where I go there are either no positions open or you have to be eighteen to apply. I even went back to the McDonalds I used to work at and they apparently have no spots left. I really dont care that much where I work anymore, as long as I just have money flowing in and I can get my parents off my ass.

And, you know, I gotta get a friggin new car soon, which means I need serious money for insurance. Life is moving on, and I cant keep up with the pace. =(
..lj..

I guess I have to face the facts sometime. Not everything in life is controllable, I cant cause some things to happen, no matter how hard I try. It's almost funny, because sometimes I think to myself "OK, today I'm going to do this and this and this and this person is going to act this way because of what I did" and in the end the person reacts completely different and everything I planned goes down the hole and I end up doing something completely different than what I planned.

I guess the real question here is, why do I plan things in the first place? Why do I try to take control of every little tidbit of my life? The cool thing is that I know the answer to this question. I'm a control freak, believe it or not. I like/have to know about everything that's going on in my life or I'll be driven to the wall. People that disrupt my order quite honestly piss me off, because they threaten me. And I guess even deeper down, its because I'm bored so much, and the only thing I can do is look into what I will do in the future. I sit around and I plan and I plan and I plan, not even realizing that most of the times my plans are going to be shot down by some random occurence, by a fluke of nature or whatever.

I guess in the end it all comes down to the fact that I'm still a teenager, I'm still restricted from going out whenever I want and so are my friends and I'm still expected to do schoolwork, as are my friend. It all comes down to the fact that I'm never free to have fun whenever I want, and I have to look forward to days when I plan to have fun.

Ya know, I really dont care. I'm happy with the way things turn out in my pre-adult life, because there is no sad ending, no matter how you look at it.
..lj..

I knew my cold was going away last night because I didnt really feel that bad anymore, besides a really dry, itchy throat. I'm glad I'm fine again, having a cold only makes you appreciate your own well-being more. Maybe tommorow I'll actually go running? (You see, for the last month plague after plague has prevented me from excercising and I feel like a pig right now). Anyhow, I know how you are all tired of hearing about how sick and miserable I am (or am not =D), so lets put it this way: my well-being today made up for every moment of sickness I suffered in the last week. Today was great, today was excellent. It's been one of those really random days where God seems to look down upon me and say "remember how miserable you were yesterday? I'm going to make up for it now."

A very interesting part of the day occured during my AP Government class, in which we are doing a US Senate simulation. What makes it really interesting is that people are basically fighting to get bills passed because their overall grades depend on it, and alot of the time people clash over the bills and therefore over their own grades. Of course, in any normal school this simulation wouldnt be too fun, but at Troy, where grades pretty much have a monetary equivalence of 1pt~1dollar (I'm not kidding), there is some serious wars going on in my classroom. I was having alot of fun just sitting back and watching people get totally pissed at each other. Honestly, I can never see why something so stupid and simple as a grade is worth such trouble, but it's certainly interesting to watch other people duke it out. It's like a real-life psychology lesson.

I was reading through the newspapers today and found an article that made me really smile. It was about how a bunch of hollywood superstars and rock bands and all kinds of other celebrities had put tons of money and work into getting Kerry re-elected and had basically failed. I cant really say why this makes me happy, but lets just say that even if I hated Bush, I'd still like to see him in office just to see the saddened faces of the damned celebrity communist bastards. Of course, I like Bush, and so do 52 million other Americans, get over it. Not like he's really going to/can do anything really evil anyways. Maybe just screw around with Social Security, but we dont have to worry about that for another half-century.

Of course, if it's politics, I really dont care. I just dont want to see taxes go up, and I dont want a draft. I care about what's going on in my life. And the goings-on are fabulous. seeya.
..lj..

I'll never understand why people arent more open about themselves. I dont understand why some girls will just sit there on a wall looking depressed whenever they're sad, and even when their friends ask them what's wrong, they'll just say nothing.

I could never do that. The only way I keep myself from being sad is bitching about things in my journal or to my friends because then I can laugh about it and shake it off. A girl asked me this morning how I was feeling and I really couldnt answer. I dont feel much anymore and I really dont mind, because when I say I'm feeling "nothing", it normally means that I'm inherently happy, because I'm an optimistic person and happiness is just the way I naturally lean, provided I dont have shit to grope over.

Anyhow, today was long, boring, and by no means of any interest to you guys. The highlight for me was seeing Sahiles minivan get "pimped" and filled with newpapers. I'm still pretty sick but at least it's going away. This damn cold has kept me down and out of the action all week. Curse diseases. Thank you to all of the people who care enough to say "hope you feel better", because those simple words are worth a small smile to me.

~..lj..

I am so sick. I lived through this day in misery, and the only relaxation I got was a half hour where I could drink coke at in-n-out (carbonated water feels really good on sore throats). It was really hard to fall asleep last night because my throat hurt and I couldnt breath through my nose and I couldnt get comfortable no matter how much I shifted positions. Even with cold medicine, I still felt pretty shitty. It was actually pretty funny in that I woke up early this morning - I knew because it was still dark out - and before I looked at my clock I guessed that it was about 4:00. It was 4:30, how did I know? The cold medicine I'm taking lasts only 8 hours and I had taken it the night before at 8:00. Hehe, interesting how I can measure time with my own misery. Anyhow, I hate being sick. But I'm going to persist. Must...not...take...a.....sick....day...

I have this huge moral dilemna right now. It has to do with biology, and all that we're learning. I cant help but wondering every single day - maybe we shouldnt learn about this? Maybe we shouldnt know that our bodies are made up of billions of molecules of carbon and oxygen and hydrogen and maybe we shouldnt know how ATP is synthesized and how we are completely reliant on the fact that an electron has to move down four levels of proteins unblocked to complete chemiosmosis. Am I wrong in thinking that this all demoralizes the state of the human condition? It reduces us to matter, it leads us to realize that we are nothing, that every tidbit of existence we know probably doesnt exist in the first place. That we are experiencing the world as a bunch of electrons see it, not as it really is, and that we're helpless to that fate.

See, I'm rambling, but I'm rambling about life being pointless. And this is what I think about whenever I get immersed in bio. It's actually kinda unnerving. Very unnerving.

For some reason I couldnt fall asleep last night. It could've been the wind, my parents, or the fact that I have a sore throat and stuffed nose. I think it's the latter. Thank god I have cold medicine stashed away in my medicine cabinet, I dont know what I'd do without it.

Even after taking that infernal stuff, which tastes like fermented sugar, I didnt go to sleep for another hour. I ended up just moping around the internet and reading my outside reading book (Native Son, which is quite good) for that time. So yeah, bad night last night. I hate being sick, but at least it's not an incredible flu-thing like I had last year around this time where I was puking all over the bushes at Troy and practically fainting on a concrete bench.

Just as I expected, I woke up this morning to the sun shining right in my eyes. Although I dont mind waking up to a nice warm sunrise, I was seriously annoyed by the glaring spot in all of my mirrors which basically confined me to one lane all the way to school. I guess it's cool, because my dad was right the other day in mentioning that the freeways are a bit better now that the sun is up in the mornings. I started from home at my normal time today and filled up with gas and still got to school fifteen minutes before the bell rang, which is probably a new record for me.

Aside from that, I dont got much to say. We have thursday off this week, so I have to find something fun to do (something tells me I wont have to go look far for that one), and I've had this odd sense of uneasy comfort all day long. It's not really easy to explain, but it's like I'm where I want to be in life but I cant really figure out if this is all just a joke, if where I am now is going to be anything like where I am next week. I'd pay for stability right now, but nothing's ever that easy.

My life changes directions so fast sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. My friends will ask me to come on long vacations with them out of nowhere two days before the thing begins, my parents throw things like jobs and trips into my life, and my social life is anything but stable. I really cant complain because I like having such a dynamic life, but there are times, like right now, where I'd like to just step away from it and settle down. I'm probably just tired though.

Music, thank god, remains constant. I love how some songs/albums can be incredibly bad the first time you hear them, but after listening to them 10 or so times, you begin to realize the amazing artistry that is behind them. I love how some songs make me literally cringe in their beauty, how they reflect everything that I'd ever like to say in a way that is all too beautiful.

..lj..