I got home today and opened up wordpad on my computer. I just started jotting down what I felt. I think its pretty interesting. May this weekend grant me a little freedom from stress.

I feel..

..happy
I get this weird sense of happiness when things start
to happen to me. When my life picks up its pace, no
matter how much it hurts, I'm always at least a little
bit happier. I like to see new things, go new places,
experience the unexperienced.

..sad
But I dont know where to go right now. I think I have
some choices that I should make, but I dont quite know
what they are. It's bad enough that I have to make
them. My life is undirected. I'm just a leaf in the
wind. I feel extremely sad when I lack motivation.

..guilty
I'm guilty because of the things I've done, both
disgraceful and good. I feel guilty for turning my
back on my heart and emotions, for again letting go of
a person that means alot to me, no matter how absurd
my care for her is. I feel guilty because I realize
that I'm probably going to have to play some people to
get where I need to go.

..self-centered
I feel like everything seems to be revolving around me
lately. It ties into guilt, I feel guilty for taking
in so much attention. I feel guilty for even thinking
that everything is revolving around me. I feel
egotistic when I'm "sure" of whether or not women like
me.

..confused
I feel confused as to what I should do in the
situations that have brought themselves up this week.
I see more paths now than I've seen in a long time,
and not all of them are black and white as to whether
or not they're good. I feel confused as to where all
this came from. Confused as to why it had to happen
this week, before AP tests, the SAT II, and the SAT9s.

..romantic
I feel reminiscent of my bleak romantic life. I
remember the toppling joys that love can bring.

..hurt
I am hurt by some of the courses that some people
take. I feel hurt that when fact comes down to fact,
we are all trying to hurt each other because it gives
us a dominant position.

..betrayed
I feel betrayed by the friends that dont listen to me.
I feel betrayed by the friends who think they're
better than me. I feel betrayed by the people who call
me brian.

..surreal
I feel like this week is one long dream. I dont
remember if it's a nightmare yet.

..empty
I feel like I'm missing the fundamental peice of me
that drives me to wake up each morning. I'm missing
love and lust, and I dont know what to look to.

..involved
I feel like I've suddenly been thrown into too many
situations with too many people...

..out of the loop
...yet I dont know where I stand or where anybody else
does for that matter.

..scared
Of everything that stands before me. I am scared of
making decisions because they can turn so wrong. I am
scared of thinking about things because I dont know
just what my heart might do.

..inspired
I feel inspired by some of the things I've read,
heard, and even said this week. I feel like I can
tackle alot of things, like I should tackle alot of
things. I feel like writing the best essay ever,
drawing the best picture ever, climbing mount everest.
Whatever.

..overwhelmed
I feel like I'm feeling too much in too little time.

What a busy day. Still overwhelmingly confused, but that's a matter for another time.

The play today was AWESOME. Upon going to it, I was really looking forward to going to dinner and using it as a social outing, but I didnt expect the play itself to be very good. Dont think I could have been more wrong though. It was SO funny.. gosh I was laughing even through some massive stomach cramps that crept up on me in the second act.

And calvin, he was just cool today/tonight. We havnt talked alot since last week, and I was beginning to think that he was becoming just another friend.. but tonight we talked about so much stuff, I got to share so many things with an open ear.. I guess i'm at least somewhat content. I still havnt said everything I want to say, but its getting close.

I wont bore you with a lengthy summary of my day, or formidable essay on the play.. if you want to know about stuff, just ask. thats the way this journal has always been set up, i'm only gonna say what i wouldnt normally.

Amongst the fun of the play and thrill of me and calvin's driving feats, my soul still aches from stuff in general. It doesnt help that I'm overwhelmingly confused, especially about this week. I feel like its all a dream, then I pinch myself and realize its not. I build defenses all around me, but I dont know whether or not they're gonna be used.

It's so confusing, and I'm so tired. I'm gonna give up on it for now. I'll just live with the pain in my heart.

Ever feel like you just wanna get down and beat the shit out of the world? Gosh, the world is just so unjust. It tortures me with petty tribulations like pain and money and then puts me through trials of love and friendship. It's like "what the fuck world? why you be hatin?"

jkjk. It's my own god damn fault that my life is so full of stuff, bad and good. I guess I subconciously keep it like that, cuz having problems is what makes life interesting right? It also defines character, judging by the way you get out of the problems.

It does feel good to go all screamo every once and awhile. Like last night, I was listening to 'redefining your exit' which is a nucore kind of song, and it was real fun to sing along with the scream-lyrics. Lolz, if my voice wasnt so bad I'd love to be a singer.

Seriously, I envy the singers.. well players.. in bands. They get to express their emotions in such a retroactive way. And they're appreciated for it. I guess my outlet, my lj/kih, is kind of satisfying as well. I at least get some feedback on my thoughts, and people can tell me if I've completely lost my mind or whatever.

uhh.. for my lj buddies, i've decided to put into use a 'kinky' offshoot of my journal where i get to talk all dirty and the like without worrying about criticism. frank, kester, and natty are all members, if anybody else wants to be just ask.

I'd give a good portion of the blame for our everyday problems to words, and how ineffective they are at expressing our thoughts.

Take yesterday, when I tried to explain to my mom exactly what kind of hair-style I wanted. I couldnt explain what I saw in minds eye in words, so she screwed up and cut my hair way too short. Guess it turned out ok though.

Last year, I remeber how me and diane had split up and got back together three times because of misunderstandings. each time an email or letter had been exchanged and the recipient had taken the meaning of the document to be "I want to be just friends". Once again, words failed me, us.

This is why I so hate Aim and even the phone. I can tell more about what a person is thinking or feeling from their eyes then what any word can tell me. It's often our expressions that present an understanding for other people, and I've been misunderstood and ridiculed online so many times its not even funny.

I guess the problem here isnt words, it's understanding. i should have known right off the bat last year that since diane didnt understand me, we would never get along together. Then again, the ability to understand a person is completely relative to your interest in that person's situation.

Sadly enough, I dont care enought about some peoples problems to really try to understand them. Understanding is just a measure of compassion I guess.

Today was damn hot.

Other than that, I'm kinda perplexed about it. I should be all happy and giddy cuz today was fun and interesting and I got stuff accomplished and nothing really bad happened. But I'm not. I feel a little sad-bug eating away at my insides.

The scary thing is what I think that sad-bug represents.

Sup guys? One hella un-interesting weekend for me, despite the trip to Del Rey and all.

What is all this homework that I'm hearing about? Everybody seems so busy with school. For gods sake, its the WEEKEND .. a block scheduling weekend. Shizz, the only homework I can remember is some revision on my already-perfect IB essay. Well; actually there is the spanish video project that I havnt even started on. I'm fucked for that, but that's why I hate group projects.

I have to say, the legend of human experience is really curvy. I mean, one day you'll be scared as hell of girls and a week later (literally) you'll be sleeping with every one you meet. This isnt from personal experience, but I've seen it played out so many times. I think for every experience in general, we just need a spark to start us off. If we get up the courage to go 10 miles over the speed limit one week, it wont be odd to be going 30 miles over a week later. If take a swig of alcohol one day, there's nothing wrong with puffing pot the next. On the more optimistic side of the spectrum, if you're pushed to love one person once, you'll soon love alot of people.

I guess human ..adaptation.. is a good thing. It gives us lots of oppurtunities. I guess it also opens all the doors to our downfalls too.

Eh *now i've mixed myself up xP*

I think i'll take this quiz because it's somewhat informative. Isnt it interesting that sometimes we dont even know how old our best friend is?

____ STOP _____
[x] they call me: james
[x] also: you shouldnt call me brian
[x] sex: guy
[x] my first breath of air: 2/21/87
[x] age: 17
[x] status: uhh. in front of my computer. (i know i know =P)
[x] occupation: teen
[x] nationality: god only knows. just assume i'm aryan.
[x] best buds: i havnt gotten the chance to be 'best friends' with anybody since middle school. that's troy for ya. my bestest bros at the present: calvin, shohile, thanos, jon doe and ravi.
_______REWIND_______
[x] most memorable memory: (is that supposed to read as 'good'? i'll assume they really mean 'memorable') first heartbreak.
[x] worst memory: one of the five or six times i've almost fallen off of a rock cliff to my death.
[x] first word uttered: 'truck'?
[x] first friend ever: some girl i used to strip with in the playground. man i was a pimp when i was younger xP
_______FAST FORWARD_______
[x] college: uci hopefully
[x] occupation: dentistry, psychology, psychiatry
[x] mobile: accord '91 i currently dream of an RSX or i300
[x] future residence: the same house i'm living in
[x] wedding: (vague? i'm guessing age) round 25.
[x] children: 2. hopefully girls =D
[x] looking forward to: tomorrow
[x] NOT looking forward to: all the shit i havnt done.

_______PLAY______
[x] feeling: kinda sad.
[x] listening: just got through listening to two emerging emo-punk artists 'underoath' and 'a second chance'
[x] talking to: noone.
[x] doing: english revisions. i dont even have to revise anything
[x] thinking of: (since natty put dream's and i stole this quiz from natty) my recent *erotic sexy* dreams
[x] craving: some good food. maybe a girlfriend =D
[x] missing: people to talk to. my hair.
[x] hating: nothin.

_______FAVORITES_______
[x] song: "in the end" - LP (favorite song for the last 5 years. that's devotion)
[x] radio station: dont listen to radio. that's what kazaa lite's for.
[x] tv show: no watch.
[x] channel: the history channel when i do turn the tv on.
[x] movie: LOTR 3
[x] store: fry's
[x] mall: Orange Block
[x] hang out spot: Somewhere sunny, cool, outside, and with my friends.
[x] actor: dont really got one, but probably Sean Connery; he's funny
[x] actress: someone hot. like tara reid.
[x] food: god, i dont even know anymore. anything good i guess.
[x] character: wtf? neo.
[x] book: harry potter 5. i havnt read in awhile.
_______LOVE_______
[x] love is: an extension of my soul.
[x] best love song: 'everything' by lifehouse
[x] is it possible to be in love with more than one person @ the same time: not the 'devoted' type of love.
[x] when love hurts you: you know you're living.
[x] is there such thing as love @ first sight: naw. unless you see a really hot girl/guy.

_______OPPOSITES ATTRACT_______
[x] turn ons: face, intelligence, flirtiness (hard to explain)
[x] turn offs: fat & cheese, frizzled hair, crooked noses, bitches, whores, stupidity, the 'player' girls
[x] does your parent`s opinion on your bf/gf matter to you: yea, but i kinda influence their opinion.
[x] what kinda hair style: i love love love love love with no regard the straight-and-large-curl-at-the-ends look. it's supposedly really hard to get though, so i only see it at dances and the like.
[x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you: sweet? are you kidding me? give me a candy.
[x] where do you go to meet new people: through other people.
[x] are you the type of person to holla and ask for numbers: nah
________PICKY PICKY_______ ////i refuse to answer 'neither' but am tempted to on alot of these things
[x] dog or cat: cat
[x] short or long hair: (on girls?) to the shoulders.
[x] innie or outie: innie
[x] sunshine or rain: rain
[x] moon or sun: moon
[x] basketball or football: football
[x] righty or lefty: ambidextrous
[x] hugs or kisses: hugs
[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: 1 best friend
[x] tv or radio: tv
[x] starbucks or jamba juice: jamba juice
[x] mc donalds or burger king: mc d's
[x] summer or winter: winter.
[x] written letters or e-mails: Written letters
[x] playstation or nintendo: nintendo
[x] disney or nickelodeon: disney
[x] car or motorcycle: car
[x] house party or club: club
[x] sing or dance: dance
[x] freak or slow dance: freak
[x] yahoo messenger or aim: aim
[x] google or ask jeeves: google
_______MISCELLANOUS_______
[x] can you swim: yea
[x] whats your most embarrassing moment: too many to remember specific times
[x] whats under your bed: lotsa trash and some old stuff in dusty boxes
[x] what are you scared of: little animals in the dark
[x] what is your greatest accomplishment: recovering ..
[x] what kinda roof is over your head: uhh.. plaster and wood and paper with sand on it.
[x] do you like tomatoes: no
[x] internet connection: cable
[x] how many TVs in the house: 4. but MY computer should count as one, so 5.
[x] how many phones: one central hub and like 7 little shoot off's
[x] how many residents: 4
[x] how many DVDs do you have: keep on loosing them. probably 1 or 2.
[x] last doctor visit: god, cant even remember. probably for my physical last year.
[x] last phone call: ravi on friday.
[x] last IM: probably not since spring break. aim is an embarrasing habit and makes me depressed.

Wellz, how was everybodies saturday? Apparently everybodies been busy cuz there hasnt been much action on LJ/bloggers/xanga. Either that or life is just incredibly boring these days .. definitely a possibility.

So.. I ended up going to LA today! AND riverside! holy schnaps, i put 126 miles on my car. That's like going to troy for two weeks. And I live a long way away from troy.

Anyhow, I was driving my dad to go get some chores done both in Riverside and LA (actually marina del rey, which is such a beautiful city on the coast) and we talked a little, he mostly talked about how tired he was getting of the endless traffic and stream of people that seem to be popping up all over southern california. He wants to go live in the mountains in montana or something. I told him that the more crowded it gets here, the more I'll like it. More businesses really equals more luxury for the most part, and I like the fast pace of city life. Something has got to keep my internal clock moving, otherwise I might go to sleep and not wake up or something.

Well aside from that, marina del rey is a beautiful city, like I waid before. The streets there are lined with gigantic malls and trees and everything is just really nice. Me and dad were laughing when we passed one business building down there that had a sattelite reciever that was at least half a mile in diameter. It was amazing, I wonder what they use those things for? I have to say that if I see all the things I did in LA County/north Orange County going 80 miles an hour on a freeway and driving (meaning I was supposed to be looking ahead), I wonder how much interesting stuff there is in this world.

Guess it just goes to show you that there's always something new to see in the world. There's no excuse for boredom cuz there's so much out there. Well, there's no excuse for boredom unless you're grounded or something.

Think I'll go watch csi and eat some yoghurt. Mmmm. I'm always surprised by how many people hate yoghurt and pudding.. i mean.. its GOOD; how can you not like it?

Wellz, the week's over. I'm finding myself more and more attracted to weekends as school looses all of its glory to me. I guess girls had a lot to do with my reasoning in liking school.

Not going to LA tommorow x( . Maybe riverside, but that's no fun. Maybe my dad'll at least let me drive the streetbike he is buying. He went shopping for trucks at a chevy dealer today. Chevy sux at making cars .. the only one i was even slightly interested in was the cavalier .. and they've discontinued the camaro lineup. gay.

Didnt go with all the FBLA maniacs either. I'm real jealous of them peoples.. having fun, being completely free and all for a weekend. Shit, it's like college before college. The tyler's (lol, pretty much the only whiteboys in the club) are goin to hooters sometime over the weekend and supposedly are gonna be drivin around past 2 in the morning. God I'd give anything to be with 'em. I'm joining next year fo' sho.

Just to reassure myself I took some IQ tests online and consistently scored around 138. Looking it up, it means I'm smarter than 99% of the worlds population. And my parents dont think I'll get a job. Course I'm not a brainchild like Einstein either.. oh well.

Oh speaking of that. I took more than IQ tests. I went through some career tests and stuff. I've definitely changed from the computer-science/mathematics major that I was destined for last year. As alot of you have probably guessed by my musings in LJ/KIH, I've become more spotted towards philosophy and the theoretical thinking club of careers.

I really need a haircut. If I dont do somethin real soon, I'm gonna have something like a mullet. Ewww. I g2 get rid of my long hair on the back of my head.. but i wanna keep my bangs.. lolz, I'm gon' do something drastic on sunday, but I dont know what yet.

I wanna get to know some of my friends a bit better. The more I talk around, the more I realize that everybodies in this teenage cycle of failed relationships, philosophical thinking, and tremendously intertwined friendships. At least everybody at Troy. Nevertheless, everybody has their own stories; and I love stories.

Well, I wanna get started on something, but I dont know what. I thought about taking up my old passion with computers. But I dont know. I dont wanna write or anything either. Despite the compliments I get, i refuse to believe that I am a good writer. Everything I write is jumbled and messy. I think I'll just end up reading about history/math/science.

Guess I feel a little better today.. not that I felt bad yesterday, just very numb. I think I've told pretty much everyone that I dont like the 2|4|6 block schedule because all my classes are extremely boring (comp sci & math w/ stevens).

I hadnt noticed it until today, but I've been really rabid in terms of friendships recently. One week I'll be talking with one guy and the next I'll constantly be around someone else. I guess it serves well in that I meet alot of new people, but it's also kind of unnerving. I find myself not liking alot of my former friends as of now, and quite oppositely I find myself really liking people I hardly ever talk to/barely know.

I did alot of thinking yesterday round 11' when I went to bed. I'm trying to figure out how I can supress the spontaneous and often painful thoughts I conjure when I'm alone, how I can do that without loosing everything I stand for. As far as I can tell, there just isnt a way to live life without suffering. Maybe its time for me to be a little more manly and just take whatever life throws at me and stop complaining.

I feel almost embarresed in terms of my behavior the last two days. I feel like I've thrown my feelings out and relied on the comfort of others to bring myself back up again. I supposed it's normal to rely on people .. but I nevertheless have something in the back of my head that tells me not to do it.

Mr Fournell (a teacher) told me a while ago that I was a cynic. Though he and I were joking around, I think he was probably right. It has never been easy for me to give my heart to the world, to entrust my emotions, crushes, ideas, whatever to the outside world. I kind of attribute that to a general mistrust of people. I guess recently I have been more active at portraying my feelings, but I still have a long way to go; as this journal is one of the few places I can oust my life onto.

I feel like all emotion and life has been sucked out of me. And I just dont think it's fatigue this time.

Dropping a crush is never easy. Guess noone ever said it was. It's everything that getting dumped is except the overwhelming loss. How can you loose what you never had?

I dont really feel anything right now. I havnt been passionate about anything besides women since Diane. Even if I renewed my passion for programming/web design, I'm not even allowed on my computer.

I try to think about happy times: a little chat with a good-looking girl, a great joke between good friends, a tasty meal, maybe about my bright, unwritten future, but nothing gives me a smile for more than a second.

You know; alot of people are stuck wondering if they will ever love again. I wish I was just given the chance.

Sometimes its so easy to get lost.

Sometimes its so easy to follow a path in life without realizing where we are going.

Sometimes we forget everything that we even walk for.

It takes years. It takes decades to get back on track.
It's the hardest thing ever.

But sometimes we can catch ourselves.. before..
Before we screw up to badly.

I'm often awed by how interrelated everything in life really is. I really believe that all trouble spawns off of money and I believe that all happiness is a form of love one way or another. That's besides the point I want to make though.

I think that if anyone ever asked me what my biggest regret in life was, I would say that I regret ever changing myself to suit someone elses needs. I think that all of our personal problems, every one involving women, friends and money, all spawn from troubles within ourselves. I think that all of us have at one point adopted some part of society that has been virtually forced upon us, and those things are like viruses in our brains. We are trying to get rid of them from the moment they instill themselves, because they just don't fit with our personalities.

That's a bunch of bullshit, though. I accidentally just escaped into theory-land, sorry guys. I wanted to put forth a fundamental reason for not changing oneself, so here it is: we can never understand, none of us, each other as humans. Every one of us has experienced a unique life spanning, (for my grade level) anywhere from 15 to 18 years. And nobody can experience those 18 years alike. Nor can anybody imagine what those 18 years were like for someone else. So if nobody can put themselves in another person's shoes, nobody can ever know another person's motives, likes, dislikes, or anything. Therefore, why in the hell would you try to change yourself to make yourself look better in the eyes of an individual you cant possibly understand. There's no way in heaven or in hell that you can intentionally make yourself the exact person that that individual likes.

Anyhow, you probably have a much better chance getting anybody to like you by being honest. I can tell you now that I as a person, really respect people that stand up for themselves and their beliefs and that I as a person really despise people who try to act 'cool' or whatever.

Take this one girl I've known for a long while, for example. Me and her almost never agree because our views on life are so drastically different. She's a pessimist while I'm an optimist, she's a conservationist for the most part while I don't give much of a fuck about what happens to the environment, she hates George Bush while I respect him. Stuff like that. I like her a lot, because I know that when I talk to her, I'll get the raw truth from her prespective. I know she isn't trying to fit into the norm, or sound normal, or god-forbid, get into my pants. She just speaks her mind. People like that are hard to come by. Even I have instances where I silence myself to be 'polite'.

Lolz, this entry is the random crap I beat myself over. xD ~ttyz folks!

whew. this is the first entry typed on my own computer for 4 days. i love my computer. love it like....
<3

Anyhow. I think its cool how when you've experienced something an extended period of time, you start enjoying that thing.

For example. Countless times I will listen to bands and hate them right off. Then I'll read reviews on the band, read people raving about how absolutely great the band is. So I'll listen to the band a few more times, and I'll start to love them too. Right now, this is evident in The Beautiful Mistake. Three days ago I was really "so-so" on them. I didnt like the alternative-metal tinge they put in their sound and I didnt like their growling. Now I listen to them and I'm blown away. It's all I can do to stop from rappin' out the lyrics in my bad bad bad bad bad singing voice.

But this little phenomenon (at least for me) extends beyond music. In 8th grade I thought asians in general were really weird. Having gone to Travis Ranch in white-upper class Yorba Linda, there were about 5 or 6 asians total in my class. I used to think they were so weird because of the slitted eyes and pushed in noses. (mind you, I was friends with 3 of the asians in middleschool, BEST friends, so dont point at me and say "racist"). Hah, how naive I was. I dont even notice that crap anymore, and it's more of a turn on than anything else. For a guy who has about 5 white friends on campus, and knows even less white girls, none of which are hot, I cant keep my eyes away from asians. I dont even like most white girls anymore.

Let's extend this a little bit further. Last year I was carpooled with five people, two of whom were girls and at the time did not know at all. I was all happy and the like because I was thinking "ooo, two girls in my carpool, time to turn on your pimping skills, [james]". I was all depressed the first day of school because I didnt find either of the girls in my carpool attractive in the least. That notion stuck around until half way through the school year when one of the girls invited me to do a video project for a freelance video project that she was working on. That weekend when we worked on the project (not only did I first meet natty, but) me and the girl started getting really close. Two weeks later we were bf/gf in title and she slowly became the most beautiful person in the world to me.

Anyhow, this whole entry points out one of the fun things about me: it isnt humanly possible to punish me. I'll just end up liking whatever you make me do.

There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS some way to make everything more fun and exciting in this world. Dont nobody forget that.

OHHH. forget any crazy talk i might have posted on the subject of me moving my blogger. aint gonna happen. keepinithappy will be runnin till the day i knock on davy's locker... lol, i'm an idiot xD

Sadies is today. I regret, as I did last year, not going. From what I hear, its the funnest of all dances cuz there's tons of floats and rides and stuff. In other words, it isnt really a dance :D . Anyhow, next year I guess. The worst part about it is I have to put up with all these girls talking about how FUN it was next week. Yay. Haha. Hope everyone I know that's going has fun.

I cant wait until I'm out of this house, free of all the bonds. I cant wait until I can go out of the house at 11:00 at night and not feel in the least bit guilty. I cant wait until I can make my own decisions without my parents breathing down my neck.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not the one to complain. They spend over a thousand dollars on me a year for food, presents, gas and the like. I appreciate that, I truly do. I still just wish they'd give me a little more leeway.

They tell me all the time that they cant trust me and that's the reason for them not giving me freedom. On my own part, I guess I've done a good job bringing that about. I've lied to them in several instances. But I'm a terrible liar, and almost always get caught. I have to say though, if they never allow me to do anything.. if they never give me any leeway, how can I prove myself trustworthy? How can I gain their trust BACK?

I guess I'll just sit back and wait. As with almost everything else in my life. They tell me this summer I will get alot of freedom, but I somehow doubt it. Whenever I bring it up I end up getting in a huge argument and I end up having to get on my knees and give into them.

I hate loosing face. x(
Guess it's one of the most courageous things a proud man like me can do in today's peaceful world, though.

livejournal in case it's needed. for now I post the entries here and there simueltaneously.

I wanna do a joint-blog with some friends. That'd be cool. I'll see what I can do.

From discussions today and comments and whatnow, I guess there's three reasons to have a girlfriend..or be in a relationship:
(1)To have someone to call my own (kester)
(2)As a sort of conforming thing [all guys have a girlfriend or whatever] (natty)
(3)To have something interesting and normal to do over the weekends (calvin)

I was pretty much tugged back and forth between utter happiness and uncomfortable sadness today. I'm confused now, dont know really what I am.

Me and a friend.. two friends.. talked about women at troy today. We came to the conclusion that there just arnt any available women that we would like to date. They are all either devoted to school, strapped down by their parents, or taken. I set my goal for next week to find as many available women that I would like to date as possible. Heh, all part of the 'james seriously needs a girlfriend manuever'.

Kristal (i think that's right?) said that alot of people in high school just like to play around with relationships and the lot. Me and a friend discussed that very thing yesterday. I think it would be very nice to be in a more casual, fun, no-love-involved relationship. At the very least have someone to take to the prom.

Oh, another friend today talked about his love life with me. This would be someone who actually does have someone he cares about who care about him deeply. He showed me an entry in his girlfriends journal that eventually caused the two to get back together after a year of being apart. I enjoy that kind of romantic stuff, it was fun reading, even funner being let in on something as private as that.

aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. sadness gone gone. replaced with an extreme anesthetic.

was happy and attentive today from the start. had frosted flakes for breakfast xP

I guess today my biggest contemplation was really why I am so concerned with the 'getting a girl' thing.

Well, I started by thinking about the reasons that a person would WANT to be involved in a serious relationship. The two reasons I could come up with were sex and having a companion to share things with. Well, I can rule sex out. Though it's a big part of todays society and I'm constantly pushed to fullfill my hormonal desires, I know deep down that I neither want nor am ready for sex.

So how about having a companion. That sounds like a good reason to be involved in a relationship.. except I have SO DAMN MANY companions allready. Why would I need another. A wife in my future is supposed to be there when I only retain 4 or 5 best friends at 30 years old, I dont need a companion now, in high school, where I'm living it up with more people than I can count.

So it's not having a companion. Why why why why why why why why why why why... am I pushed inside to have a companion.. to have someone I can say 'I love you' to and it doesnt sound gay, awkward, or humorous.

I wish I could just state here and now that I'm too young for all of this. That I do not and cannot know true love here and now. That I am going to give up this gigantic struggle, leave it for my college years.

I've never been big on lying to myself though.

Yea, school. Lately it has meant less and less to me. May not sound weird to most people, but for almost all my life.. life.. has been centered around being at least semi-studious. Now.. I'm just starting to loose grip. I just dont really care anymore.. and thats not good..

But teachers are so gay. Stevens is a qualified teacher but also MUCH too hard for the class she teaches, Wittry knows stuff but doesnt know how to talk about it. I'm surprised he's even married. Varieur should still be a student teacher. St. John is again much too hard for the class she teaches. The only two teachers I like are Fournell and Mosig, and I'm not doing good in either's class.

It's not even about teachers. Learning has lost all its edge. Studying is pointless and barely ever improves my grade. My mind is grated when I come home, and the only reason I go to school in the first place is for the social life there.

From some musings involving me and Calvin on the subject of girls and sexuality i've come to the conclusion that women are just as interested and willing to talk about sex as men are. yay, revelation.

I'm actually kind of scared of my mood swings. I dont think they really are mood swings. I SWEAR that not eating lunch or not drinking enough caffeine during the day.. or for that matter ONE bad thing happening to me in the morning, I think things like that tend to screw up my entire day. I just wasnt as dynamic and friendly today as I normally am.. as I was yesterday for example. I didnt smile as much, I didnt talk to as many people, and I just wasnt as fun to be around. I wish I could just find a way to make my life ..happy.. the same way everyday. Happy like yesterday everyday. Sadly enough, I've realised that my mood depends ALOT on the attitudes of other people towards me. If someone bitches to me about how I'm a failure, if I dont get my way when I desperately need it, if someone gives me an ugly face.. all those things factor into me and bring my entire day down. that's not even mentioning the effects certain girls can have on me, those effects almost all the time being bad.

well, that's alot of rambling. biggest point: i wish i always thought about the positive parts of my day. i wish i didnt regret as much.

Well, after a long time of wondering and confusion from other people and whatnot, I've finally figured out what a physically attractive woman is to me. Oddly enough, (well not really that odd) I like women that have pretty much my body form. In terms of body, really skinny but not bone skinny with a really small waistline (oh man.. my waistline is so crazy small... JT pulled my belt real tight one time and my waistline was so small I could wrap my hands around it.. hehe) ..so yea, theres a real nice, sexy, curvature that comes with a small waistline. Breast-wise I really dont care.. in fact, I think women with extremely unnaturally big breasts are fakers (for the most part) and quite ugly. Just as long as you got more breasts than I do pecs.. lol.. Faces are more important than the body in most cases. In terms of that... I like me.. lol.. yea, so like a not-to-profound nose, but not squashed; not a unibrow, but not no-eyebrows/trimmed eyebrows, and eyes.. not flat, not real indented into the face .. just normal. And no ears that stick four inches out either. I think hairstyle is one of those things that separates alot of women from the others. GOD DAMN THE GIRLS WHO SLACK OFF AND DO THE PONYTAIL.. that's sooooooooooooo fugly. shizzI spend 20 minutes everymorning blow drying/washing/styling my hair like a woman, the least women can do for me and every other guy is to adopt a style that looks decent and unique. Girls with senses of style also appeal to me alot too. (in fact, probably the biggest two reasons i think kiwi is hot is because of her impeccable sense of style and her excelent hair-style)

Anyhow, felt like sharing that. It was cool nuff, something of a revealer about my likes/dislikes. I was gonna write something else, but I forgot, so ttyz.

wellz.. today is today. i laughed, i smiled, and had fun overall. Nice to be back in school again, nice to see the old faces, talk to the same old cool people, get to know others. Nice to feel the wrenching of my heart as it seems to start and stop again and again. ..well, that is, my *spiritual*heart. IT beats for five minutes and lays to rest for the rest of the day.

I'll tell ya now, one of the hardest things to do in life is to deny your heart. It makes me wonder sometimes how people break up in the first place .. if it's this hard to deny my heart a simple glance... how can people... how can they let one another go if their heart tells them not to??

Guess it's one of those things.. like 'are you gonna hurt for the rest of your life or just let go?'

..in my opinion: hurt for the rest of your life.


BUT
history today was real cool. we saw a movie with all kinds of cool stuff in it. most interesting in my perspective was several nuclear explosions that were taped. they are absolutely aweing .. one, for example, was detonated undersea and the water rose.. a mile.. upwards and the water itself formed the mushroom cloud before raining back down. strangely beautiful.

they also did a hydrogen bomb test where (1) they put 2000+ american soldiers like a mile from ground zero and (2) when it was over, they marched those troops INTO ground zero. forgive me, but i dont think i'd ever be stupid enough to see a mushroom cloud and walk towards it. god damn... these people must have been really uninformed or suicidal.

we also saw clips of tank-soldier parades in moscow/st petersberg. i was thinking about how impressed with our country i would be if i saw a 2000 man.. just 2000 man army with a few tanks come rolling down la palma in a parade or something.. that would be sooo cool. and i really would feel alot closer to the US .. i'd actually get to see where my taxes are going.

It was cold outside on saturday night. One of those typical desert things: blistering hot under the sun, freezing cold under the moon. But there wasnt a moon this night, just stars, stars that illuminated the desert as if it were daytime, because there was not a cloud in sight.

The ground was rough under my bare feet. Well, rough and cold, and that makes for an uncomfortable situation. It felt like the rocks were cutting at my feet, cutting but never peircing. So I stopped a hundred feet outside my trailor, about 100 miles from California City in the middle of the mojave desert, and I looked up. I didnt even feel myself fall to my knees, fall spread-eagled onto my back.. it was more of a reaction. A reaction to the pure awe that I felt looking up at the sky.

I lay there and I stared, mesmerized. Tears that I had been summoning for months began to form in my eyes, a curve of absolute, blissful joy formed in my mouth. I cant iterate the comfort I felt in finally being able to express myself in the presence of noone on this quiet starry night.

So I cried silently, cried for about half a minute. The smile inside lasted much longer though. I can still feel it now. I feel at peace because of that one minute.

..[and as i stared at the stars, i could have swore that i saw them move. everyone of them in unison, every one except for the north star. then my view changed, i saw myself moving, moving as part of the earth faster than the speed of sound and i saw those stars passing me by. and i saw streak, shooting stars everywhere. i imagined that every time one fell another love fell silent. so much suffering in this world, but falling stars, despite everything they represent, are beautiful in themselves. and then i began to expand my thoughts. i thought of everything the stars encompassed. tiny universes in themselves, all clustered about me. a thousand habitable worlds with people living their lives out. hell, there's probably some thing, some where, that's experiencing everything that i'm going through right now. that's comforting to me. as my mind expanded, i thought about how little of the universe i knew, about how odd my life had become, focused around very few people, and a simple feeling called love. it gave me a new respect, a new awe to everything i felt for these people. and for the last minute that i lay there, i felt like i could do anything. with nothing in my sight, nothing in my peripheral vision, nothing at all except for stars, i had nothing holding me back from, say, flying. for a moment there i truly believed that i could just float in the air, fly to wherever i wanted to. it was marvelous.]..

Sometimes I wonder about myself. I try to make myself believe that other people do the same weird things that I do, but I come back to the realization that they dont. That only I, in my delerium, would fall underneath the stars and start crying for no reason. I cant even imagine how freaked I would be if I saw myself doing that.

So I wonder.. I wonder sometimes if I'm a real oddball.

..or maybe..
maybe i'm just a classic romantic.

you'll remember me
when the west wind moves
upon the fields of barley

you'll forget the sun
in his jealous sky
as we walk in fields of gold

so she took her love
for to gaze around
upon the fields of barley

in his arms she fell
as her hair came down
amont the fields of gold

will you stay with me?
will you be my love?
among the fields of barley

we'll forget the sun
in his jealous sky
as we lie in fields of gold

see the west wind move
like a lovers soul
upon the fields of barley

feel her body rise
when you kiss her lips
among the fields of gold

i never make promises like you
i feel like you're something i've broken
but i swear in our days left,
we'll walk in fields of gold
walk in fields of gold

many years have past
since those summer days
among the fields of barley

see the children run
as the sun goes down
among the fields of gold

you'll remember me
when the west wind moves
upon the fields of barley

you can tell the sun
in his jealous sky
that we walked in fields of gold
that we walked in fields of gold
and we walked in fields of gold

Today's been pretty boring in terms of journalage. Tuesday and monday were crazy, I had almost a half hour of reading for me each day. Today its all short, uninteresting junk. Whateva'

I got around to thinking yesterday. I started thinking about thinking. Heh, awesome what things my mind can come up with to keep itself off of stuff I dont want to think about. So anyhow, I realized that this thing I've had, call it a skill or whatever, but the ability to turn off my mind is almost more of a curse than a blessing.

BACKGROUND:

In grades 1-8 I was a restless little kid who wouldnt stop thinking for anything. I even made up little stories about space-men who had sweet adventures when I was bored. (those stories are still cool, I want to make a movie out of them or something) Anyhow, round 8th grade I started to cool down and life started getting even more boring than it was previously. Somewhere in that period I found out how to just not think. Turn my brain off and everything, clear it out and feel the blissful silence.

Last summer when we were on vacation my mom had a really serious conversation with me. She wanted me to teach my father how to do what I had just learned out of nowhere: the not thinking thing. Apparently my dad is constantly stressed because he cant stop thinking and that stress is increasing his heart problems. I tried to tell him how I do it: take deep breaths and clear the mind, almost meditating, but its easier said than done.

..well the above example was really to say that I had never noticed my ability until last summer. I turned myself off, but I didnt realize I could do it, or that I did do it. Somehow my mom figured it out. ehh.. weird. one of those mother things i guess.

ANYHOW:

Lately I've been letting the skill get out of hand. I barely think at all anymore. In fact, I'm not thinking right now, when I'm typing this entry. (the only entries I think are good, btw, are the ones that require me to think) I'll lay down in bed at night and just not think for the half hour before I fall asleep. I'll take whole car trips to covina and back and not think the whole way. In fact, today alone I have thought probably only an hour.

Now I think it's easy to attribute my recent grade drops with my similarly recent drop in thinking. That's a downside.
On the other hand, girls dont like guys that are constantly thinking. At least from my experience. Theres a plus.
I think I might be using the not thinking things to hide from myself or something. That's a downside.
There's bliss in not thinking. It's often how I stay happy. Thats a plus. A big one.
I feel like I dont know myself anymore. That's a downside. A big one.

I hate this post. I dont know why I'm pressing the 'post' button. ttyz.

I write in here so much. I write with no explanation, no forewarning, no disclaimer.

Lets set things straight: love is great.
It's the greatest expression human's have to offer,
The most bountiful gift one can give,
And the most taxing thing a person can ever give into.
It rules our lives, whether we want it to or not.

It's spontaneous.
One day you can be sitting across from a person, not even knowing their existence,
The next, they are the most important thing in your life.

It tends to cancel out,
A person in love forgets everything that ever troubled them.

No obstacle is too great for love.

One thing I've learned about life and people, and is reinforced time and again, is the fact that everybody always makes everything seem bigger than everything really is. Vague..

For example, if I was to ask a friend how a luncheon went (that I was not a part of), he would probably respond with "marvelous! it was so funny! you should have been there man.. " and proceed to give a "brief" summary consisting of what most likely is the only funny parts of the luncheon.

What I'm trying to say is that people are always trying to make themselves look better than the other person. They will modify everything they do just to look better than everybody else, to cause jealousy really.

In other words, the grass is more dead and wilted on the other side than it seems.

And this happens with everyone. My dad will constantly brag about how "fun" things that he did were, provided I was not involved in them. I daresay even I tend to magnify events, as I remember just last week telling everybody about how fun it was to be doing english dq's with scott and calvin and sam (it was quite funny).

Avoiding jealousy and depression when confronted with truly ecstatic friends who are supposedly doing things more fun than what you are doing is really hard. It almost makes you wonder why you are friends with the person. I feel jealous all the time when I read journal entries that seem to be bragging to me; however, I have gradually learned to stay away from journals that conjure this feeling in me.

--this entry seems really disconnected. i feel like i'm explaining something i dont believe in.

Last night I walked out the front door at 10:00 and just knelt down on the concrete. I threw my hands down and just lay there, my face resting on my arms. The cool cement, night sky, light from the starts, natural noises.. just the ambience puts my mind at peace.

And then it started to drizzle. It was as if god was crying for me. Giving me the tears I could never have. Giving me a reason to get back up again.

But I stayed there, felt alive if only for a few minutes.


The weather of the past week has been like my spirit, bouncing every way. Yesterday, for example, I can give a quick summary: depressed:happy:giddy:sad:sadder:almost-crying:cheerful:solemn:humorous.

It would have felt so good to cry. To actually care about something, in this case my friends, but I was in the middle of a Mexican Resturaunte with my family. Not too oppurtune of a place to be.

Lately I've let my emotions flux. I feel like my whole crush thing has gone too far. It makes me dependant and unpredictable and worst of all, sad. So now when I try to dig myself out of this hole, I am forced to feel all the pain and suffering of breaking up with someone.

Odd, I was never WITH someone. But, nevertheless, I can see the cycles of denial, sadness, and contemplation taking form. Hopefully recovery will come before spring break ends.

On a more positive note, I guess on tuesday I'm gonna do some repairs on my car, on wednesday tour a college (trying to figure out which one), and on thursday go with calvin and maybe sam to brooklyn pizza works in placentia. I guess if anybody wants to go, leave a comment. I've also secured some time off from work and am going out to the desert for the first time in a long while this weekend. Spring Break is gonna be over before I know it.

First day of spring break approaching. Am I happy? Of course not.

I watched some love film in Spanish for the second time. Something about christmas, but the important part about it is the line i read/heard in it:

"I was so scared he would leave me first.. I had to leave him"
"You can never feel love unless you truly give yourself into it."

Now that brings up several problems. (1) I've had one experience allready with a woman afraid to give her undying love. How many women are out there exactly like that? Is it another thing to be concerned about while courting? And I thought I had enough criteria. (2) I've been hurt. Badly. So badly I didnt recover for a year. So what's to say that I will ever give my love as blindly as I did the first time? Whats to say that I wont hold back, that I will give whomever my next significant other not everything she deserves? That's a scary prospect to be quite honest.

Anyhow, it's a beautiful line. And one of the most brave confessions I've ever seen come out of one person (even if it's in a movie).

So, how about theory. How about those true loves? Do I believe in them? Heck no. ONE single person suited for ONE other person in this vast world. I believe that every person is suited for every other person, you just have to change your views a little bit and the next girl/guy you meet will be your 'true' love.

I do, however, question sometimes whether two people can have a kind of superstitious bond between them. What I'm talking about, of course is when you feel exactly the same as one person does at each moment in your life.. or at least for a period of time. I think that subconciously we try to match our emotions to that of the people we hang out with and like. For example, if I sit across the room from someone I like, and she smiles, I'll laugh. If she frowns or looks real down, I wont be able to smile, even if I dont look at her. If she falls asleep, I'll begin to get bored and sleepy as well.

What if these bonds extend further. What if hardships and glory that we dont even know about in our significant others transfer over to us. What if the girl/guy you like has her/his mother die in a car crash over the weekend and you feel an unquenchable remorse that weekend? I think I'm beginning to believe in that stuff. I think that emotions, though they are essentially hormones or whatever, tend to leap through the air, and reproduce in hosts willing to accept them. I've had some experiences recently (I'd prefer not to go into detail) that seems to support my belief, but we'll see.

I didnt mention it, but Wednesday I had a really strange dream. REALLY strange. It involved people/relationships I thought i was over with, and alot of love for those people. More important, though, was the level of detail my dream held and the large amount of it that I remembered the following morning (and wrote down). Maybe sometime this spring break I'll go over the dream, I'll analyze it, and I'll see if maybe my heart is trying to tell me something.

There's a belief: that dreams are emotions. That they come from the heart. So if they're emotions, and what I said before about people transferring emotions through the air, then its certainly possible to relive someone elses experiences through dreams.

Think of the power of that. I said earlier, you cant express emotions through words. Images, however, are worth much more than a thousand words. If you can dream someone elses experiences, if you can feel their emotions, you can begin to understand them deeper than what words can provide to you.

I'm a big advocate of eye contact.

Isnt this interesting? Nature is playing april fools on us.

Sunny in the morning? I DONT THINK SO. a dark gloomy afternoon proceeds. (not that i didnt enjoy it)
Dark, cold afternoon? I DONT THINK SO. rain, thunder and lightning. What more could a boy want?

Interesting how its the day before the drills. Heh, maybe we'll see some action tommorow yet. :D

Speaking of April Fools, its sad how I didnt play pranks on noboday. Specially with me and Calvin being the prank-masta's. xP